The Lord speaks...

Two things have been on my mind lately.

The first thing stems from my solo backpacking trip a took a few days before I came back to school and it is this: Rob Bell did a tour called "Everything is Spiritual" and I had not seen it at the time of this trip but I remembered the small heading under the title as I my mind moved on the topic: there is no word in the Hebrew language for "spiritual." Immediate thoughts come to mind, many of them, but the idea that really surfaced with me is that things have changed. I understand the culture of that time revolved around religion and I am ok with the fact that this culture I live in doesn't. The problem I face is more of a cultural problem that I look at on my own personal level. Where along the way did I get the idea that a spiritual life is somehow separate from all other facets of my life? I have been under this cloudy confusion that my relationship with God is just that, a relationship. I sat up late in my sleeping bag alone in the wilderness wrestling with this idea that all things fall under the realm of God. I have split things up and moved from activity to activity, changing my mindset for each. I go into family gatherings somewhat apathetic and into competition with a fiery head and a fiery tongue yet I go into church with a quiet heart and a smile on my face. Why have a split these things up? Why has my life been divided? As I looked out into the dark forest, I noted in my mind that my family very much has an impact on my spirituality. My neglect of them leads to coldness in my heart and over my break from college, I saw it and I worked to change it. I was richly blessed with the few weeks I spent with them and I think it is due to understanding their value and investing in it. I have come to see that my life is a reflection of my spirituality, much because my faith is not religion, it is lifestyle. Therefore, every aspect of my life has sanctions on my faith. Perhaps that contradicts itself and what I have been saying, but it is making sense to me. Ultimately, God has opened my eyes to the fact that there is much more than myself. There are divine moments waiting every day and it is a privaledge to take advantage of these and much more: a blessing. A blessing because these seemingly trivial conversations with others and experiences with my family shape and mold my view of the world and my personal culture, which in turn defines my view of my creator. Rob Bell says it best when talking about this idea of interacting with people in his book Sex God: "How we treat the creation reflects how we feel about the creator." The context is somewhat different but the point is the same. My investing in others lives and the causes of what is around me directly affects how I feel about God and how I respond to the things He is working to do in my life.

The second thing is on a different note, more of a resolution to a struggle. My struggle is this passion and fire of God. I have experienced God on many levels and whenever I slide down and get smacked with the world, I long for a mountain-top experience that will lead me back up to this closeness with God. I know this is a sad way to live life but, for the longest time, I just didnt have a solution to staying on fire for the Lord. I was reading my Bible and studying but I just wasnt pleased and could not keep my focus and fervor. It has only been of late that this has begun to bog me down. I started this semester clicking on every aspect of my life, all things were good but over the past two weeks I have kept up with self-discipline and my studies and taking care of my body but all these things havent translated into contentment or encouragement. Until a few nights ago. My first solution was a realization that I have been reading the New Testament only, which isnt a bad thing but for what I need it was. I have been smothering myself with teaching and law and ideas and concepts. That last sentence pretty much sums it up...boring. I will say the content of those ideas if rich and meaningful but in the same light, I have had nothing to counter that with pure goodness. Also, my problem has been the idea of closeness to God and how I view Him in my life so I was just slammed with something called the Old Testament. The OT just grabs me with this glorious poetry that spins God in a marvelous light. These seem to grab me and pull me in much like a spiritual high but as similar as it is, it is also much different. It seems to stick with me and not just come and go like the mountain top. The words of the prophets, Psalms, and numerous other books in the Old Testament resonate with power of who God is.

In Job, the Lord waits for a long time to finally speak to Job and his friends that are bickering with him but when He does is is overflowing with humbling power, in chapter 38 starting in the first verse:

Then the Lord answered Job out of the storm. He said: "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the Earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone - while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in its think darkness, when I fixed the limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'? Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place?

It goes on through the rest of that chapter and the next three after that. God just pounds Job with questions similar to the ones above. He asked him if he can alter constellations and pretty sarcastically asked him to tell him so surely he knows. How humbled I am to read these words. Who am I to ever stand up so bold to God for I will only sink to read this passage and be reminded of the true power of my God.

The most glorious part of this passage, to me, is the part that is in bold. "Brace yourself like a man." Goosebumps. This precursor to what God is about to say just hammers down like a gauntlet on my soul. That alone is a humbling experience, to think about God telling you to brace yourself like a man then go on to tell you that you will respond to what He says.

May I always see that God is a being of glory and power and that I am never close to reaching that majesty. He is the King of kings and the Old Testament reveals that in a very blatant light. I am thankful for this because understanding this God can only come from this knowledge of Him that is experienced during the time of His hand at work with the Israelites. He is revealed in such a raw fashion that simply sits me down and says "I am God" and I am so very thankful for the power that rings from those three words.

Anticipating the Peace

It's incredible how I can get excited about going camping sometimes or how motivated I can get when just looking at equipment. I was looking at some new cookware at Walmart tonight and just starting turning the gears in my mind about a post-New Year trip that I want to take, my first solo. It will be at least a week and a half before I can get out of this web of laziness and do some hiking. I have been home for the break and I have been productive around the house and spending time with my family but I can just see myself lingering on the plans of getting out into the cold weather worthy of hiking and camping in this fine state. The hills of the Ozarks or the flats of the Ouachita are simply glorious and I cannot wait. I think I anticipate this solo more because it is just that. I have never legitimately gone off alone in the woods and spent time on my own, doing everything on my own. I want to be alone and not "not do anything" but to actually "do nothing." Some friends and I spent time talking about the two and I look forward to my trip all the more.

After my first semester at school, I have learned that I need to focus and this retreat could not come at a better time. A refreshment to begin the New Year sits perfectly with my plans. I plan to go to Haiti and do much better in school and I fear that the complacency of being home will hinder those things. I want to be in the best position that I can be in when I fly into Hispaniola, preparing to be shocked by what I find and do my very small yet effective part to move the wheels of faith in that country. I want to learn this semester, not simply get through class. I found that I could have benefited so much from classes last semester had I put stock in them rather than getting by. I anticipate the clearing of the mind, the reflection on this year and the preperation for the next. Maybe I will even get to use some new cookware...

Beyond Backpacking

I was talking with a close friend of mine the other night and she was talking about things that are therapeutic to her and she asked me what things served that purpose in my life. I started off with basketball because in my high school days that was the case; I could work anything out on the court alone. Then it moved to climbing. This past summer I would spend hours at the climbing center here in town just working things out in my mind. Since being in school, I don't think i have really found the therapy that just cleanses my mind of things and the irony is that I feel I'm at a point when I need it the most. She asked what about blogging as being therapy to me and I kind of surprised myself by not thinking of that initially. I have hardly blogged since I have been at school due to the busy schedule and loud dorms and lack of quiet time that I can find for myself. I hate justifying it because that isn't fair, I know I can make time to step away from everything that holds me down, but I don't. I just feel like college is just so heavy and that words seems like it doesn't really apply here but it makes all the sense in the world to me. There is just so much to it that keeps you going and it isn't bad things, just a lot of things. Time management and I have not become friends yet and I plan to fix that when I return for the final three weeks of this first semester.

Thankfully, since I have been home I have been very productive with myself. I have developed a little streak of laziness while being at school, for reasons I think I already acknowledged but no longer! Since I have been home I have been on a 3.5 mile run, a quick mile run, a 4 mile hike, and spent about an hour or so climbing around on Pinnacle Mountain. And it is just Tuesday. I have big plans for myself this week. I will spend a generous amount of time at the climbing center tomorrow and then probably go for a Thanksgiving Day run, just because no one does that and it will definitely take some discipline on my part.

I have come to find that the way I live my life affects every other part of it. When my room is messy, I do worse in school. When it is clean, I find it easier to focus and to just function on a daily basis. When I am lazy and don't workout or push myself physically, I see it in my spiritual life. Trends flow through all regions of what I do and I am coming to find that in an eerie way, they are all connected. The parallels that can be made from me running or climbing to how I am doing with God is so accurate. I don't mean to say that when I don't run, I don't love God or what not but the idea of me being focused and proactive and not lazy or apathetic is evident in all parts of my life. I come in from getting a paper back that I did not do good on to stare into my room that has been dominated by a tornado and I get pissed. I clean and clean, I wash dishes for crying out loud, until everything is organized and without really meaning to, I organize my academics. I find myself very apathetic to God sometimes and I find it hard for me to connect, to make myself vulnerable but then I can go for a run and break my body down physically, while in the process I break myself down spiritually and mentally, allowing me to stop suffocating my mind and give it some air to breathe.

I forget how simple life can be sometimes, if you make it that way. I have all this clutter in my room, in my body, in my life and I find it so easy to do nothing about it all when all it takes is a consistent mindset and focus to take care of one day at a time, in every aspect of life. That may be cliche but as I live out my life at college I realize just how truthful that has come to be. Therapy is needed, yes. Jesus withdrew often to have times of meditation and I know that there will be dire times when I must get away and heal myself, but why do I constantly need that? Why am I trying to live spiritual high to spiritual high? I think because I fix my eyes on them and not the day at hand. There are many reasons to focus on the day at hand and honestly I am a very small reason that will reap benefits if I work day to day. Picking up some clothes here, running and doing some push-ups there, reading a few chapters and reflecting on them...all these things are so simple and crucial and can happen every day while I am at college. It is all so simple and I have made it so confusing, no wonder my mind, my work, and my faith is in shambles. I pray that God will slow me down; that He will guide me through each day, not week or month but each day because I know that I am missing so many opportunities by not slowing things down and living by the basics.

I spent a lot of time talking about how to pack light while backpacking today and it really paralleled with all that I am going through. There are only so many things you need when you hit the trail. You have staple items and then you have so many luxuries that bog you down and that when you break things down, you find them to be unnecessary. There is my life, in backpacking terms. I am fighting a struggle to pack lighter, to hold on the essentials and in doing that I will be more comfortable, more content and my trip will be more enjoyable. So I pray tonight that I learn to pack light and enjoy my trip...

The Stars Align for You and I Tonight

I am bad at parallels. Applying the Bible to my life comes rarely so when I have little epiphanies, I tend to run with them. It is powerful in my mind and heart when I can make a connection that I feel is important in my life and will benefit me to record it. Also, my memory is awful and I tend to forget things even if they are meaningful. I kinda see my brain as a game of telephone. Lets say each person telling the nexy represents a few hours in my brain. So, by the time the message gets relayed to the end of the line (when I need to recall it), it is either distorted or forgotten or something to the effect of me not getting it right. I hate that about my brain, but then there are things that just hit me and stick.

This weekend, I sat under the stars in a field that was pitch black all around and the best part is that the moon was no where to be found. Now I have sat under stars before but never in my life have I experienced this amazing of a view. As I mentioned, the conditions were perfect for laying under the stars. My friends and I just talked about why God would do this. We wondered aloud as to what the point of all this universe was when everything that 'mattered' was going on down on the earth. We even talked about how that may sound selfish, but I think you can understand my logic there. If his mission was on Earth and that idea of getting far from the Earth? Why would he do this? I think of the time when He told Abraham that his decendents would be as many as the stars in the sky. I know that they didnt have electricity and when it was night, it was night so I can guarantee that his view of the stars dominates the magnificant one that I had. Did God make it just for him? Or was he just showing off? Maybe He was just like hey when you think it is only about you on this Earth, let me knock you down on your back at night and remind how small you really are.

I have been taught all my life that stars are very far away. So far away that, many stars burn out during my lifetime but I will always see its light. As we sat on our blanket under the even great blanket of the stars, I wondered aloud again after we saw a shooting star that 'what if that actually happened 10 years ago and the light just now got to be visible to anyone on Earth.' That blows my mind. It simply rocks my world to try to comprehend that and to think how many shooting stars happen. If you break each one down, its like a monumental experience but they are so common in the Earthly viewpoint. Why does God do this? What is the point of all that? I heard Louie Giglio speak on the "How Great is our God" tour and he talked about sizes of stars that have been found and I won't go through them all, but the biggest star that we know of is compared sized in this way. Let's say the Earth is the size of a golfball, so the biggest star known has the circumference the same as the amount of golfballs it would take to stack to the highest point on Mt. Everest. That is crazy! And why? All so God could show if infinite majesty, perhaps. A friendly and beautiful reminder that He is mighty and simply good. One of my favorite quotes from CS Lewis seems fitting here. He said: "Nature never taught me that there exists a God of glory and infinite majesty. I had to learn that in other ways. But nature gave the word glory a meaning for me." Another reference from Genesis: "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth...and it was good."

I love the idea of God being supreme and I know that so many times I try to box him in and make him fit the Brett mold that is convenient. I also love when he just hammers me with the truth that I have it all wrong. I think the a few verses in Job really sum up my night under the stars. Starting in Job 38:1 then skipping to 31-32: "The the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said...Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its Cubs?" God dominates Job here, as he has done me so many times. Who am I to go against this God who has the power to shift even the universe? May I come to listen to God, but never understand him; to witness but never try to comprehend because I know it is worthless. May I simply accept and appreciate and marvel in the glory and infinite majesty that is the LORD of the heavens and earth.

"Can we sing?"

Honestly, I don't have words for this week. I am trying to put this down so I can come back to it one day to reflect on one of the greatest weeks of my life. I have been reformed this week; i have seen my LORD again and again working this week, showing himself to me through others. I have been hit from every direction with the Spirit and it is so contagious. I was skeptical about Harding from the beginning and as of 3 weeks ago, my plan was to do one year here then transfer. Then about 5 days later I decided maybe sticking it out for two years would do it. On Sunday, I confessed to my grandmother while doing laundry that its gonna three but of course I gave her the disclaimer that this time next week things will probably be different. I was right. I plan on graduating in black and gold and honestly it has nothing to do with academia here. It is purely the relationships that I have made this past week and the things that have done. I find myself in spontaneous acts of pure worship with so many different groups of people. Big group, small group of upperclassmen, boys in my hall, girls older than me. God has used everyone this week to show me how awesome He is. I think of the verse where God talks of how everything is good during the creation. The final thing that He creates and deems good is man and woman. I don't think I have ever thought much of that verse but for some reason, I have a new respect for that because of the different people I have met and have come to know that they are good. I think 'good' is such a loaded word and to see it in the flesh as God made it is a powerful thing.

I don't know where I am going, what I am doing but I know that I am going to be taken care of. I am listening to a song with lyrics that really just move me as I write this: 'How refreshing to know you don't need me, how amazing to find that you want me." I think to the title of my blog and the chapter of Rob Bell's book where he talks of how the apostles did not choose Jesus. They did not seek him out to follow him, instead He chose them. He came for them, asking them to follow him. He showed the world that even this group of fishermen, traitors, radicals, and men like me can follow Him because we are good. Tonight, this morning, whatever it is...I feel that I am truly wanted by God.

I look back on the times in my life when I felt close to God and it seems that they have been major events. I tend to think that they were spiritual highs which in themselves are not a bad thing at all, but what you do with them is the catch. I have fizzled too many times. I have never had consistency in my faith, I jump from big event to big event and try to just hang on in the middle of them. God showed me this week that He is really a simple God. He moves through the simplicity of life and the stillness of life. As I sat with friends I have had for years, some for weeks and some for no more than 48 hours...I find myself connected to them all purely through Him. It is simple and that is how God intended it and that was revealed to me tonight. My hope tonight is that God will continue to work here, in this school and in this freshman student. May he use me and the week I have had to live consistently and with purpose. May I live a simple life, always striving to worship in any way, with anyone, anywhere. May we continue to simply live lives of worship, uncontrollable and radical, never ceasing and always spreading. I may have no mountaintop experience... but tonight, I am consumed with a mere rooftop.

Simply, College.

So i have been busy with college and really havent even had this blog on my mind. Well, in the back of my mind I guess but never really enough to sit down and let go. I am in between classes right now, just got done polishing off some strawberry ice cream loaded with sprinkles...addiction. For the first week really, I felt as if I was still at some summer camp just doing mixers and games and devos but as of this morning it has really kinda settled in, the whole college thing. I guess waking up on my own after living a hard week and an even harder weekend and having to go to class will do it to you. It really has been good despite. I am a night owl but I havent been one having to get up and walk to eat and then go to classes when I could so easily skip. I have already started to see glimpses of responsibility and self-discipline...and honestly it is quite nice, yet weird.

My biggest prayer for school was for me to able to drop into groups where the spritual was important. I am fortunate to have the 8:30 downtown service and if you have any clue of what that is then you know I need not to say more. It is so amazing to be there, but also I have already made close ties to devos and relationships that matter and that is key. I am beginning to see the idea of independence in college unfold, regardless of how close I am to home. I am constantly challenged socially, physically and due to the people I have already met, spiritually.

I see this page as an outlet for me and a place for me to let go of any thoughts that I have had or things I have noticed. I think that my approach to this blog will change and continue to change throughout this year. It may be sporatic and it may be consistent. I tend to think it will go through both phases more than once. It will be a much different take on everything, I think. I went to the same school for 13 years and knew everyone in the hall and every teacher in every room but this is a completely new experience.

God has plans for me, I know that. Currently, I am not quite sure what that is though with regards to my major. Typical college student problems of course, but I like to know what I am doing and where I am going. I pray that I may be able to just give it up, try hard in all the classes and just let God show me what to do, because really that is how all things are but sometimes they come easier so I tend to think I did something to make it apparant. I would be wrong there.

I expect many good things from college, I just dont know where or when they will come from. I know that the Lord has a will and I need not try to force it. Here is my hope to patience in my everyday life, may I simply let go of any worry and live this new phase of life. Why not, really? It seems simple to me but I cant help but worry so that is where I give up completely and turn it over to God. Hopefully this blog will continue to benefit me as I share thoughts and experiences and lessons from college.

Wilderness.Blog.II

There is a pretty hilarious video on youtube that is simply called “Jesus Video” and what it is is this collection of clips from an old timey video of Jesus and the gospel and is dubbed over with funny voices and dialogue. People say that the video is sacrilegious because of how people mock the story but I beg to differ. But that isn't my point. In one of the scenes, Jesus is sitting in the desert on a rock and a few of the disciples come up to him and announce they have been looking for him and how he isn't their friend. Jesus responds that he is their friend but he just doesn't have time for them. Now, this isn't true of course but I think it does shed some light on something that Jesus was all about. Reading through the story of Jesus, it seems to me that at the beginning of so many stories it talks of how Jesus went out on a hill or to the countryside or the other side of the lake. Then there are the instances when he goes to the wilderness for 40 days to be tempted and when he leaves the disciples to go pray in Gethsemane. Jesus constantly was getting away or attempting to get away, usually to a remote of isolated place.

I find myself needing the same medicine. Getting away from everything is such a peaceful and refreshing experience yet at the same time if can be a dangerous and uneasy time. The wilderness to me is any escape from the comfortable to that which is not guaranteed or easy so that you can either cleanse your mind, body and soul in a way that benefits you. God uses the wilderness in special ways for it is his stage, his playground that He has created. Why should we not use it for the same? He has given us this to enjoy and take in and to celebrate and to be afraid all at the same time. It like the Narnia quote: No, it isn’t safe but it is good. C.S. Lewis has a quote that I definitely can compare to: Nature never taught me that there exists a God of glory and infinite majesty. I had to learn that in other ways. But nature gave the word glory a meaning for me. Getting away from everything that we have come to know and for the most part things that we are able to so easily take for granted is a key to releasing the noise so you can open your life to God. That is how I feel it works, again not just a nature wilderness but a wilderness of any kind...simply an isolated, removed place where change can occur. God is constantly calling for us to change and, in my opinion, he uses the wilderness to allow us to release and connect, as Jesus did so many times. He has given us so much space...maybe so we never have an excuse to not get away, but to take on his wilderness in hopes of radical change.

Wilderness.Blog.I

I have been reading a book lately about finding God and yourself in the wilderness. I decided to keep a highlighter handy because I have a bad memory and for study purposes, decided it would be good to have some stuff colored for quick reference. I thought I was bad at highlighting at first because the intro was covered in bright yellow. The points that were introduced were just straight money, I couldn’t not highlight some of them. It is refreshing to read those because I feel like a lot of times I think things but really wouldn’t be able to tell someone what I am feeling and these kinds of points sum up my airy thoughts. To sum it all up though, the general point that this book wants to get across is that God is found in the wilderness, whatever wilderness that may be. Wilderness isn’t necessarily vacant, remote places in nature but it could be times or places or situations in ones life where it might as well be remote and you feel as if you are alone, ultimately seeking God out because he is the only thing you have in this wilderness, Its beautiful really.

One of the first points about wilderness made in the book is the idea that wilderness stretches our physical and spiritual boundaries, opening us up to the possibility of change. For me, it is knowing that I am away from all that is safe is pure wilderness. God definitely speaks in the wilderness. The story of John the Baptist comes to mind when I think of how God spoke in the wilderness. John wasn’t a normal guy, by social standards. He ate locusts and sported camel...prehistoric Bear Gryllis for sure. But God used him as his prophet, but not on the busy street corner of Jerusalem but out in the wild where it very well could be dangerous. He wasn’t your typical prophet of the times but that was the way God made it. Wilderness draws everything out of you that you may not know you have. It can pull emotions from deep within you, sometimes without you really realizing it but it is because in this state, you...have...nothing...else. That is how I feel sometimes, even in urban wilderness. I sit alone and just feel like I have nothing at that moment but God. It is an eerie feeling that I cant describe but only attempt to relate.

Next, a point that stuck out to me was the idea that in the wilderness you must be in the present. You cannot worry about what will happen at night because too much is at stake, too much to risk, too many possibilities that could occur before that time. You must always be alert as the what is going on in the current moment. I struggle with this because I believe God gives many opportunities and chances to people but so many are missed because people live for tomorrow, which is what I tend to do. I look ahead but don’t take into consideration what God has put on my plate for the very moment. His divine moment is hanging in front of my yet I impatiently move it aside for what I believe is more important...usually, distant. I find myself looking for some great experience and all the while that I look for that, I miss out on the beauty that God has given. I want to seek out a giant waterfall, or massive cliffs, or a rare animal when God has hidden them with his glory, yet I do not notice. All that He has created gets overlooked by my anxiety to look ahead and not slow down and take in the majesty that is all around me. I am not in the present, I am not taking into account what is going on right now and what divine moment God has put in front of me for the time being.

Another good point that I can relate to is this: When one finds themselves in a potentially uncomfortable or unpredictable place, God is put into a new perspective because He is all that you have. In the western culture today, the vast majority of people are control freaks and must be in control at all times. It is the moments when we stand over the edge or stand alone in our personal wilderness that we realize we must let go. As much as we thrive to control what goes on, God shows us that it isn’t possible and we must, at some point in the process of finding ourselves, let go. It is in these moments that a God that so many times we neglect is the only thing we know we have. The vastness is exposed to us in its entirety for we are at a point that is a true wilderness: not in control. For many, they have never experienced that and in turn have never truly experienced God. How can you say that you have experienced God from a comfortable bed and a happy go lucky life. You must be stripped to experience the fullness that he offers, because it is too easy to settle for a comfortable faith. A quote from CS Lewis’ Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe says it perfect: Peter asks Mr Beaver if Aslan the Lion “is safe.” Mr Beaver responds: “’course he isn’t safe...but he’s good. He’s the king.” I currently look to that quote as a foundation for my faith. Nothing about Jesus ministry was safe. He was killed due to it, if that tells you anything. Numerous people throughout history have followed him to martyrdom, a true testament to how precious this is. But it all must start with a renewal. That renewal must come in a place of wilderness and I say it again we must be stripped of all we know and experience God in his rawest form. In my opinion, nature. We must go out and experience God on his stage.

The wilderness demands us to push the limits, whether physically, emotionally, or mentally. Ultimately, by pushing these limits, the limit of our spirituality is tugged at and it begs to be drawn out more. It needs to be drawn out. When you have nothing left, when you are afraid and when your mind simply wants to quit, all you have is the spiritual because it is not of your nature and therefore doesn’t quit as do all your other earthly natures. Our comfort zone must be breached to allow any sort of transformation. A guide for this apparent need comes from Jesus himself. The gospels constantly talked of Him retreating to spend time in prayer. His 40 days in the wilderness is a prime example that we must get away, we must regain focus and we must be enlightened. You don’t have to go into nature and see how pretty everything looks because unfortunately some people just don’t have it in them to enjoy God’s oldest and most raw creation. It is simply the isolation from what we know, stepping away from the usual to allow change to happen. It is my personal opinion that pushing your bodily limits will allow to become vulnerable which is crucial. Vulnerability is the start of openness, which leads to reflection and can catapult a person to acceptance and realization.

There is so much to be said about God and his utilization of his creation in the lives of humans and I think some of these points can truly act as catalysts for many lives that are broken or are in need of something more. I will stop and say this is my first segment on Wilderness. I will attempt to discuss this same topic on a more personal level, sharing experiences and adventures that I have had that have shaped my view on the importance of God’s wilderness in the development of faith.

The Pharmacy America Trusts

So I have worked for Walgreen's for nearly ten months, to date, and I have never really thought about it until recently as I head off to school that I have learned a lot about people there. Working this form of retail has been a nice, extended psychology lesson. Now, I work in the pharmacy so the pressure is up a notch considering what we deal with and more importantly who we deal with.

Firstly, things change. When I first started there, we had about 1o employees that were on staff back there. Today, not including myself, there is one girl from that initial group of people that still work at Walgreen's and she has worked there for 10 years. She trained me and has trained every tech we have hired since I started and I am sure she trained techs before myself. So the lineup has most definitely changed, but with that the mood or the atmosphere really changed. The manager that I started under was an awesome guy. He was so chill and laid back and so understanding, so I made a smooth move in with Walgreen's. After about 2 to 3 months, he found a better job and took it so we hired a very, very annoying lady. I have never once wanted to quit but after working two nights with this woman, I was sure that I was hot on the heels of our first manager to be out of there. But I stuck it out and things worked out eventually. I just became used to how she was and how she worked. Again, changes affect everyone and that was definitely true for a fiery young teenager like myself. Recently, she has moved to another store in the area to work and our other pharmacist has taken duties as manager and I must say it was a happy day when she first spoke the words "pharmacy manager" while speaking to a patient. With the change in staff, I have learned many things from many different people and have also learned to adapt to a changing situation.

Second, I think this may be a bit rash to make this assumption only taking into consideration my working at this small pharmacy in this small metropolis of a city but I am confident it is a legit statement. People, as a whole, are very angry, rude, impatient, and most of all unhappy. Working eight hour shifts with so many different people coming and going throughout the day has shed some light on my thoughts on people in general. I have dealt with some of the most unhappy and angry people over some of the most ridiculous situations. My friend that I work with and I were talking the other day, as he considers moving jobs, about how depressing it really is. How these patients throw a fit over such petty circumstances and how frustrated they get when most often the issue is due in part to them. Many a time have I been yelled and cussed at for a situation that not only was out of my hands but everyone else's in the pharmacy as well. Problems with peoples insurance, or doctors, or sometimes there own faults pitched off onto me. I have seen people that I know from the past that don't recognize me, some that I went to church with, that will lose their minds over very small situations that come up. It is embarrassing for them, I have to think because I know them and they don't realize how foolish they are acting.

But maybe that anger, that impatience, that unhappiness comes form something else. I haven't seen it yet, but I think a lot of what I have been experiencing could be summed up by the NOOMA "Store". The setting of the clip I have seen is in a grocery store and a woman is checking out, having a friendly conversation with the clerk as she scans her items. As the clerk goes to scan a particular item, it appears it doesn't work and she tries again and the lady gives a reassuring look that it is OK and something to the affect of not to worry, as if she will go get another item that will scan. All the while, the shopper in line behind this woman is obviously becoming angry. His face gives him away immediately as he suppresses anger at the situation. Where does this come from? Why are people so unhappy? Why can we not just slow down and breathe and relax?

I work really hard when I go to places, such as the bank or a fast-food restaurant, to think about the people I deal with on a daily basis. I focus on having a positive attitude, and not just that but a thankful one. It is refreshing when I deal with a person who is genuinely kind to you and thankful. They don't just treat you as a robot simply fulfilling a job, but if you make a slightest mistake then immediately you are noticed. I could compare my job to a kicker in football. Very similar situation. Back to my focus though...I understand how easily it is to have that mindset that the bank teller doesn't need my time and I do not need his or hers because I just want to deposit money and go. Yet, there I am finding myself on the other side, looking through the glass knowing that just maybe a happy and thankful customer could give that teller or fast-food worker the strength they need to make it through an already brutal day.

I deal with problems quite regularly, so my perspective is much different. People come in and act like the children with them over issues with their medicine when they fail to realize that I work on these problems for 8 hours a day. I don't say that to put myself on a pedestal but, by putting this whole situation in perspective, it's really not that bad. I get out of a day full of these problems, some still unresolved...waiting for me to come in the next morning and continue to attempt to resolve them but I feel that I am blessed. I pray for these people that are so wrapped up in simple, issues that set them off. I pray for them because, regardless of my going to church with some of them, they still obviously are missing something in their life. It is apparent as they speed off after purchasing a prescription with a different credit card then the first one they tried that they need something more in their life. Something that will give them patience and happiness, regardless of what happened that day at the local pharmacy. God has a way of humbling people and I have come to see my job as just that. God working through the deranged lives of others to show me how blessed I am and to show me that there is so much more than this life, simply through attitudes that I see everyday. Thank God, I say that quite literally, for his peace because, as I have learned, many people are without it and it visibly affects their daily life, even if it is for a mere four minutes at Walgreen's.

Reflections on the Mount

I have really come to realize lately that God is faithful. Of course he always has been, but there are definitely times, such as now, for me when I just feel distant. You could say I was in a rut. I am constantly looking ahead and not concerned with the here and now and considering my situation I really should be focused on that. I leave for college in 3 weeks. There is no time to be looking ahead because it will be here too soon for me to skip over these last weeks.

I was reading Matthew 6 the other day, skimming through the Sermon on the Mount and I ran across the verses about worrying. The verse at the end of that section really just smacked me in the head when I read it because it is very much what I needed. “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.” I feel as if God used that to slow me down because who am I to say what I will do next week when I have a week of time to live in between then, granted God gives it to me. In addition to that, the rest of Matthew 6 really complements itself. Jesus did a fine job of putting simple thoughts together and making them really blend and mesh as a great thought. It is fundamentals of faith that He breaks down: fasting, praying, and giving. Three items that are crucial, in my opinion, to the development of faith and they all help you in very different ways. I have never been much of a faster but I have attempted fasts from certain things that I feel bog me down and it has really shown to be affective. I find myself putting time into other important things that would have been neglected to my obsession with that which I am fasting from. Jesus tells us that our fasting should be down in silence and not to parade it around, along with praying and giving. It is to be between you and God and no one else. I don’t necessarily think that it is void if you tell people, but it cant be that gloating that Jesus talks about. The point is to advance the relationship between God and yourself and I believe that can still happen if people are aware of what you are doing.

I struggle to pray constantly, it is something that I know is powerful because I have experienced times in my life where prayer was very much a part of it. It was like a cleansing act that just lifted my spirits and gave me a new kind of energy. Lately, I cant say that I have been in that role. I find laziness catching up to me and pulling me down when really I have no good reason to not simply spend 3 or 4 minutes here or there just stopping. It is convicting in the three topics that Jesus addresses that he always leads of with “When you…” It is never if you, or when you have time to, or if it is convenient. Simply, when you do, telling me at least that I should be but then he goes on to regulate that it is not in vain that we do these acts of faith.

Giving is a touchy subject in my mind because I am selfish. I have a good job and make a nice amount of money for a summer job but with that comes more expectations from God to give and I have found that hard. My most recent attempt is to support a cause financially and regularly. I have struggled, as I knew I would because I am just stingy and lately have not handled my money well but it is sad because giving with that open heart really impacts a person, I think. I know that on the scarce, random times that I find it in me to give, I have this good feeling, not that I am proud but that I am doing what I should be. God calls us to give and He said to do it with a cheerful heart, so on those occasions I like to live in them because God has blessed me with it. If people could find the joy to sincerely give, then this world would be a much better place. Period.

I have come to a nice realization this summer. I am a straight sinner. I sin and I always will and it is that simple. I am a unhealthily competitive person and that has a bad affect on me spiritually. For example, when I would practice basketball, shooting hundreds of shots in a session, I would hit so many in a row then miss one and freak out. That definitely transfers over to the spiritual because I beat myself up so much about each little mistake. I get competitive but a lot of times I shut down in those instances and it kills me. I kinda give up because I feel like I will never bounce back from any mistake because that is how my mind works, so my accepting grace and forgiveness from anyone is usually a struggle. I struggle with that struggle and it is a vicious cycle. If ever my earthly mind had trouble with a concept that was so free and eminent, than that is it. I think that my distant mindset is a major factor with that, the guilt sets in and I really don't feel worthy when really I am more worthy than ever in those times.

I am thankful that I don't understand God. The wonder that is God simply reassures that I don't need to understand, yet I am taken care of.

Those who don't work, don't eat.

Coming off my trip from Mexico, I think that I have developed a much better understanding of what it means to be a servant. It is very similar to Christianity in that it isn't always easy, but it is always right. Honestly, I expected to roll into Mexico and build a house in a few days then leave feeling good about what I had done. I also prayed that God would humble me and I quickly found out that those two could not exist together. I definitely was humbled due to the circumstances of the week and the conditions of the building but it all came together for me as I read through II Thessalonians. In chapter 3, Paul writes to them about not being idle and tells them to constantly be working and to spread the gospel. He goes on as far as to say that those who don't work, don't eat. It really puts my week in perspective because sure the work was hard, but it isn't about the labor and I struggled to see that all week. No, it is about doing the work, not just the work itself. It is the act of service, doing it for someone in the name of Jesus. It is staying away from idleness and doing the work to his glory that matters. I find myself completely selfish when I complain about our week because as someone said on our trip: "Maybe this is just God showing us that we in fact are on His schedule and any notions that we have should be thrown out the window because this is God's trip. Any idea of a feel good mission trip should be checked at the door because this isn't what service is about. It is about humbling yourself so that the light of the LORD might shine on others. Service is tough, but it is right and true." It was humbling and that is more than just a feeling of being thankful for what you have but its also a call to continue serving no matter the place or time because despite my sorry week physically, I have never been more blessed than by knowing this family. I experience God through them in a way I never have before and a simple meal with them in their home was amazing to the point of shifting my outlook on what a servant is and what a follower of Christ is. May God continue to break hearts as He did mine in Juarez, Mexico that week. May he always light the way that leads people to the doorstep of servant hood because I am a firm believer that true faith can be found by living a life that is consumed not by one's self but by the need of the needy and the lost. It is a hope that people can be reached by the good deeds in the name of Jesus Christ and can understand why we do the things we do for this man that lived, died and rose for us so many years ago.

"Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven." -Matt. 5:16

Mexico - An Epic

Compiled over a span of 4 days while in Mexico:



June 25 - "This is gonna suck"

So we just crossed the border into Mexico for our first day of work. Dad's car got stopped...maybe if he wouldn't try to smuggle stuff across the border on a church trip.. Anyway, today is supposed to be our toughest day of work but of course I love that. Mexico so far is a pretty cool sight, but only that. The living conditions are horrible. It is a very busy city here in Juarez, alot of people just out and alot of cars on the road. Our guide is pretty cool, she is a tough one...she doesn't say much. I told Lucas she could probably beat him up so he needs to watch his back. I slept on a church pew in El Paso last night in the ole' Mistral bag and it was a surprisingly good night's rest so as I write I am ready to go. Right now we are driving to the shed to get Kelsey's tools then to the church to unload then to the house to start work.



Kelsey's truck broke down that puts us back a while and also, the cement truck didn't come to the site so another thing goes wrong the first day we are here. They are scheduled to come early tomorrow morning.



June 26 - "It's friggin' hot"

Today has been another difficult day and from the looks of it, a harder day than yesterday. The concrete truck came four hours late, so we are continually being slowed in our progress. I am sitting here at the iglesia during our siesta which is planned to be about a three hour break in the middle of the day to eat lunch and get some rest before heading back out to the site. I am polishing off a turkey/ham sandwich, some gogurt, sun chips, and a gatorade...not a bad lunch for being in Mexico. We have had a few people already get sick on this full day of work and a couple people puked their guts up...exciting start. I have felt fine so far and I really hope it stays that way. The temperature broke 107 today at the site and our days are long. I got a blister from working in the concrete, pushing it around real quickly and everything. But it came up and busted quick so that wasn't fun. I also had concrete up to my shins in my only pair of jeans to work in, so I knew i would have some fun dealing with that. As for my blister, I just soaked it in a wet wipe when i got to the church to clean it out good...it burned. Last night, we had a little episode with cockroaches around 1:30 in the morning so all the girls were up slapping flip-flops and screaming and everything. Lucas and I weren't touched. We had only been asleep for a little over and hour, but when I woke up I really thought it was morning and time to go and I felt ready...a little power nap really did it for me. It wasn't though, so we went back to bed. Despite waking up for that, I sleep very well again. Working so far has been concrete foundation, building walls, posting chicken wire all over the walls and it will definitely be tough on the second stretch of our long day. We go in very late last night so we didn't get to sit and talk about anything really. It was eat and go to bed. From the looks of it, we aren't going to finish by tomorrow night as planned. We may actually end up working up until our dedication time set for Thursday morning.



June 26 - "Don't worry....we listened to Freebird"

So after our siesta, we headed back out to the site to finish off our first full day of slave labor in Juarez. Our initial plan for the afternoon/night was to work from 4:00-8:00...just 4 hours. But of course, things didn't go as planned and we left the site around 9:45 leading to another late meal and short rest through the night. I am sitting here, very tired and on edge much like everyone else, about to lay my head down to sleep.

My shoes were and jeans were nasty from the morning in the concrete, but at least they were dry. I didn't suffer much from them much although it was gross and I know ill have to deal with them all week. On the way to the site, we heard Buy you a Drank and Freebird so we were just positive that it would be a good day. Wrong. The work sucked today because we are so behind and have so much to do. I moved into serious worker mode cause I was getting pissed and hungry. Honestly, I wanted to just go home. I really feel that this trip hasn't rewarded me and that is selfish but I don't like when I cant feel what is happening. I like to feel God working and right now I cant. I know why we are here and what we are doing but I just feel like I'm not on that train but, again like last night, we didn't spend any time talking tonight about what we did because we had such a late night again. I need those talks and those reflections to understand and I wish my outlook could change. Right now I am sitting on my mattress knowing I need to sleep because we have to be on site at 6:00 on the morning to attempt to catch up. Everyone is tired and most are feeling pretty miserable about the trip as a whole...I have trouble blaming them. It definitely didn't help that we had 4 people stay back because we missed the man power that much this afternoon. Getting back to El Paso will be very nice for everyone including myself because the trip is really turning into straight slave labor. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and wont speak up about it of course but I really just don't feel positive. I am really praying tonight to be broken down in a different way tomorrow and to have an awakening as to feeling in my heart why I am here and why I am doing what I am doing.

June 27 - "Te gusta bailar?"

Today has been much better. We go to the site at six in the morning so we could attempt to get back on schedule as best we could. I got very involved with the kids this morning and that definitely helped move the trip into a better light. We taught David and Maria the pancake and the heel-toe and played limbo. They are so carefree and kind and I can already tell that leaving will be tough because of these people. The love comes so freely from everyone we have met here. Although leaving the work will not be missed. We got the whole frame up and got to work on blackboarding the two side walls. This afternoon will be chicken wire and stucco and insulation. We hope to have the house finished and ready to dedicate by tomorrow at noon but we are optimistic about being done earlier in the morning. Apart from spending time with all the kids, I still am struggling to enjoy this trip or attempt to take something from it. It is just touch doing construction all day when you really hate it and so many times you feel as if nothign is getting done. Hopefully this afternoon will be better with regards to work but of course now all I want to do is play with the ninos...

June 27 - "RULE #1!!"

We headed back out to the work site ready to hit it and get the job done today. Little did we know that all of our mishaps so far would be vastly overshadowed by one half day of work. As the work began, we just had many many errors on building that had to be backed up and redone. Everyone was messing up things and having to do them over, with me included. Boards werent flused, chicken wire was done all wrong, things were nailed all jacked up, etc. I really could go on and on about all the mess-ups we had today. Then, as the sun began to go down, rain clouds started moving in but we soon found out that there was little rain but a lot of lightning and wind. Being in a dusty, very flat country with those conditions are not favorable. To make all this even better, my Dad and I happened to be working on the roof during this and I have lightning when it is on top of me so I was pacing everywhere. Kelsey said we had to finish the roof because the rain would get in the house and ruin things, so we definitely pushed the limit, much to my dismay. We worked up until the point when BJ said he was taking us off the roof because it was just too dangerous, even though we weren't done like she wanted. So we all got off and sprinted for the cars. The people who weren't on the roof had packed all out tools in the van so we were set to go once we all got down. Everyone was set to go except the boys that were on the roof, so Dan tossed Lucas the keys to the Suburban to get us going and, of course, it doesn't start. He tries once more...nothing. So I get out and run through all sand storm about 50 yards up to the Expedition and tell my Dad that Dan needs a jump, so pull around. It takes us about 20 minutes to get it started, all the while standing in the sand storm and lightning overhead. As soon as we got it jumped, we took off...only for Dan to make a comment about his low air pressure light being on. We went over a bump and I felt it being more than low pressure. I said, "Back left..?" and he nodded. I knew this was gonna be bad...I rolled down the window and see that our tire is very much flat and getting worse. I am continually checking the tire, watching it get lower and lower and we move past the other cars and I flag them down out the window pointing to the tire to let them know there was another problem. We get ahead of everyone and pull into Rapidito's and survey the tire. It's gone. Lucas and I jump out and head over to the van with all the girls. By this time, I think it is all very funny because everything is going wrong and so we just start losing it. We joked all the way back to the church and even still some when we got there.

The second half of the day was an extreme opposite of the first part of the day. I guess you could say we leveled out but no...the accidents, errors, and mishaps have dominated this trip. God has definitely challenged us, I think, to keep our focus on what this is all about but frankly I just really haven't. All the brute labor really wears you down and pissed you off by the end of the day. Our youth group is built on reflection and discussion and its tough when we don't get that each night of this hard work. Considering that lack of fellowship, the frustration is obvious. It is just ridiculous at this point and people are tired of it all. All I have now is to pray that I realize all we have accomplished on the house and the teamwork we have developed as a group. It is a much different bonding experience, one we aren't accustomed to. It has sucked but hopefully we will find time in El Paso or Abilene to be able to talk about all this week. It has been even more hard for me because I felt so moved on the way down here with my book and and just doing a lot of thinking and a continuous shot like this week has definitely put me on my butt. I just hope that I can really get back on my feet spiritually after this very demoralizing week, but I still have the ride home to spend a lot of time thinking and reading to get my focus back and really understand what we did this week. I still have a hint of optimism in me, but it's fading fast.

June 28 - "Man, we could easily get drugs across this border"

The final day of work....wooo!!! But not really. We got up early again with hopes of finishing by 12 and getting back to El Paso early. As the day moved along, we kept working and working and working and we didn't finish the house until 6:00. We never took a siesta because we didn't think we would need to so we worked 13 straight hours with no lunch, save the food Lucia had for us. We didn't eat until 10:00 that night, so we went nearly 17 hours without a solid meal, working in the sun all day. Of course, the day fit right in with the others and sucked but working that long with that little food, you can expect a rough day. When we crossed the border, I stuck my head out the window and pumped my fist to Lady Liberty but lost my hat...the hits just keep coming. Then, we get to west El Paso and Kelsey's van breaks down...super. Dan, BJ, Lucas, Patrick and I get out and push it about 400 yards into a hotel parking lot and we leave that piece of trash.

As I look back on all that I wrote, I kind of chuckle because even through all that and looking back now...I have memories that surpass all of those. Our family was amazing. There were four of them and even though we couldn't always communicate verbally with them, it was apparent that God helped us communicate in a much better way that only He can do. It was amazing to see the impact we had on them and the gratitude they visibly showed to us. I wont ever see that family again, most likely, and the more I think on it the harder it gets because God brought us all together in those 4 days. Ill miss the love that Raul and Lucia showed each other and us, Jesus always wanting to be helping us and of course ill miss Maria always smiling and just lighting up every time we came around. For all the crap we went through this week, the short time spent at the dedication and saying goodbye with that family changes everything. It puts all the labor and and trials in perspective. It is truly mind blowing that I feel like this after a week with a family that doesn't even speak my language but I know that as members of the family of God, we built our bond on that which surpasses any physical barrier. My heart will always lie in the home of that family in Juarez with the hope that one day we will see each other again and we will pancake and limbo for eternity. I prayed that God would humble me this week and in that moment when we turned those keys over to the family, I was. I fought tears then because it was so overwhelming. I knew then that God had this plan all along and I was selfish to complain about it. I pray that I they are constantly on my mind and in my heart because I know I will never forget the short week I spent in their lives. I thank God for that family and pray that they may be so richly blessed by our efforts but mainly by the LORD himself because they are very much worthy.

Auburn

Written June 24, 2007 on the way to Juarez, Mexico...

So my heart strings are being pulled again by that small town in Alabama. I have just realized once again how passionate I am about going there and how I can't help it. I can't help but think that a desire this strong is more than something I want but that perhaps it is a calling. I don't ever feel that I have had a calling to do something, per say, but this is very heavy on my heart. I talked a lot with Mrs. Pat and Mr. Dan on the way down to Mexico and they really gave me some good insight into living life and being happy with what you do and having no regrets. They talked a lot about doing what you want while you can and that really struck me. I don't want to live with regrets because i plan on college being the most exciting and adventurous time of my life. I want to be going and meeting new meeting new people and new places and experience things that I haven't before. I don't want to be afraid of going to a new place and not meeting people because that is my challenge and if God can make it to where I do go to new places, then I have faith he will take care of me there. I don't want to live in fear of having a good job that pays extremely well. I know the LORD will provide for me but I don't know it well enough to live it. All I want is to live a dynamic life honoring the King and helping others do that exact thing and in a passionate, contagious way. I don't want to be boxed in and if i feel that way at Harding then things must change.

So again, later today I have been thinking about my early motives for Auburn. I thought of how I wanted to do engineering, how Jonathan and I were gonna go together, of the friends I talked to that got me so excited about this place, about simply starting over and getting away to a new place, and of course the gut feeling that I developed about it. We stopped for lunch and I told my Dad about how I had been turning this over in my head all the way down to Abilene and his reaction surprised me. He asked me why I gave up on it earlier. That really got me going about what happened and why I pulled up on pursuing it. When things fells through with Jonathan and engineering, I really backed off. I really just gave up on it. But I look back at all of my reasons and I see that I let some pretty serious ones get away from me. My main desire to go there initially was to start over, to go to this new place that I have heard so much about. This place that would take me away from home and allow me to grow as an individual like never before. Then I visited and found out for myself how amazing it really was. But I let those go. The student center, tradition, town, campus, atmosphere..I let other things beat those down. I prayed earlier about it because I know that I am very lost about it. I prayed for patience, peace and understanding. I feel as if my will to actually do this is twice as much as it was and I cant help but think that God is saying something to me about this. There is nothing I can do physically for a while so I am giving this solely to God. I will simply wait and pray. Also, I know I have to take care of business at school to show my parents that it is worth it to send me, academically speaking, so that if the chance does come then I will be prepared to jump. I also think I can start being more responsible with my money because if this does happen then I will definitely need to do some maturing with my spending, along with me studying. Lastly, I need a plan for my major so that by Christmas when the time comes to seriously evaluate this plan I will have some idea of what will happen if I chose to move. It is going to take some growing up but maybe that is just the plan that God has. Maybe it is his underlying theme of all the madness this plan has in store.

They simply need to hear it.

I was listening to the radio tonight as I drove through the rain to get my sister at work. It was a Christian radio station. I don't normally think like this but tonight when I heard this commercial on the radio I immediately started thinking about what they said and after I put everything together in my mind, I was pissed. The commercial said something to the affect of this man was planning to start a Christian production studio that would like help produce Christian media. I know that sounds fine and dandy but here is the catch...it is going to cost $150 million dollars to do all that he has planned with this studio and production stuff. That didn't make sense to me. I do think that there have been some pretty powerful sources of Christian media and I could name many bands that have impacted me and I would have to say that the NOOMA videos are the best thing out in a while but $150 million!!! I have other examples of this same thing, one from a book by Shane Claiborne. He was interning at Willow Creek in Chicago and they decided to build a massive family life center and it was going to cost a lot of money. He really turned against the church because the fact that they would spend that much money on themselves. His book really got me thinking about how Christ came and lived as a servant.

It just kills me that a group or people can spend that much money on something when there are so many other causes that it could be put to, even right here in America. So many people simply don't know about Christ. It isn't about apathy or disassociation, it is about not knowing and if someone has that kind of money then they have the tools to reach out and send people to the places, be it here or another country, and share the gospel because our world is in need of a savior and I pray that people who feel like that is the best thing to do will have their hearts broken and realize what could be done on a much larger scale with that kind of money. I pray that I stay humble and constantly attempt to reach out to any person that doesn't have Jesus in their life because it is the only way. It is the only way.

Honey-Nut Cheerios and SFGKW Round 2

My mom never buys good cereal. She always buys like Total and crap like that..it sucks. She will mix it up like every 2 years or something so we are on Total right now, although she has made a somewhat progressive move to Honey-Nut Cheerios over the last year or so. Sugar cereal...I'm so spoiled. Anyway, I always eat them because that is the best thing to have for breakfast...its not Total, basically. The crazy thing is that I eat it so much but I never really get tired of it and that blows my mind because if you ate this cereal as long as I have, then you would be tired of it but I'm just not. I tell you this to relay a really strange epiphany that I had, a minor one really but none the less. As I was eating my cereal, I started thinking about all this not getting tired of the cereal business and actually like got spiritual on my cheerios. I thought to myself how I am kinda like a bowl of HNC's and God is the big guy with the spoon. Not saying God is a cannibal but more along the lines of how God doesn't get tired of me. He doesn't get tired of you or anyone else because he is so merciful. He has an incredible patience for us that we really don't and never will be able to understand and for that I am grateful. He shows us so many times how He is gonna stick it out with us not give up, not go buy a new box. Also, the Honey-Nut Cheerios describe humans so much..we aren't anything special but he keeps coming back. I mean, we are no Fruity Pebbles or Cinnamon Toast Crunch but he still takes us in day after day regardless. This was all very strange to me but honestly it was really cool to think about it in that small, goofy way. God has so much patience and mercy for us that we take for granted everyday and I count myself blessed to be able to see that in a bowl of cereal...

This same day, I decided that I was lazy and needed to get back to reading so I chose a book that I have already read but one that I didn't read that closely. It is also a good book to get me back in the joyous spirit because of the humor and the deep thoughts all together. In the first chapter of Searching For God Knows What, Donald Miller talks about the idea of Christianity as being pinned down by certain formulas. He visits this conference and the speaker there tells them that to be successful in writing a good Christian book, it must be structured off and Miller disagrees and I love it. He relates writing this book to how faith really is and he talks about how it shouldnt be do this do that, it is a free flowing relationship, not a set of laws. You have to find God not just obey him because without finding him you miss the beauty of what He is all about. The intro to his first book nails it...he talks about how your faith should be 'blue like jazz'. That is talking about how jazz music is so free and rythmic and good..there is no pattern, it is just the soul speaking put to music and that is just how one's faith should appear...not some strict, uptight do-gooder but a loose, smiling, laughing servant who does things for the glory of God and loves every minute of it. Why? Because the person who does this has truly surpassed a set of rules and stepped into the relationship that makes things click and makes things beautiful.

Act a Fool

I have been reading Acts recently and I have discovered two things:



First, the the believers in the First Century church were amazingly crazy. I say that in the best way possible. These guys were just lunatics for Christ and I get checked everytime I come across an example of this. They openly opposed the "spiritual leaders" of the day to proclaim what they have seen and heard from Jesus. They preached when they have been told not to. They are thrown in jail. They are beaten. They are rejected.



The best part is that



they



dont



care!



There is a verse in Acts after Peter is before the Sanhedrin that just makes me laugh pretty much. It is out of Acts 5:41:

"The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name."

Those guys were just crazy on fire for God and I personally think the first few chapters in Acts are some of the most powerful verses in the entire Bible. It gives us a sincere image of what it takes to truly follow Jesus and I feel that I sometimes feel people like to make light of these verses or just skim over them because, just as I feel now, they really convict you. Jesus called us to something much more than I have been living. Our culture has really digressed from the calling that we have as believers and followers of Jesus Christ.



Second thing is this: Not only were they fearlessly on fire, they were completely selfless. The first church is amazing. It wasnt a place for Sundays and Wednesdays. It was a place where the people gathered everyday and shared everything that they had. It was a completely selfless. I dont see how things ever got done because everyone probably wanted someone else to pick what to do because they were fine with anything. You can just feel the excitement through the first few chapters as the church is developing and increasing. It is almost humorous that such an amazing event is simply in one basic verse. Acts 2:41 is pretty much just like: ..and then three thousand people got baptized that day. What? That is it?? People were just giving up everything to get baptized and join this fellowship of believers that had developed. When the Gentile women were neglected, the apostles were just like well lets fix it so they hire people to take care of them. No big deal...these people arent getting food, so its simple. Just give responsiblilty and it will get taken care of because they care. They dont want people to be neglected.



Read Acts and see the power that the church holds. See what God did and realize what he can do today. I thank God for Acts because it gives me the vision of what it is like to be in that fellowship of believers. It is so much more than just distributing food and hanging out at the temple, it is about the spiritual, physical and emotional care that is thrown around like it is nothingm yet it is greater than anything and that excites me. I get pumped about my God when reading about that first church because they were fearless, something that I truly admire and anyone who seeks a relationship with God should too because it is the ultimate test of faith to stand up for what you believe in without fear...

No Refills Needed

One thing I have learned in my walk with God is that he is faithful. Faithful to deliver and take care of those who love him. He is this power that I can never hope to comprehend and that excites me. I am a problem solver but being humbled by the magnificence of God is truly a powerful experience. There is a line from a song that says "...your fragrance is intoxicating in a secret place". If you cant relate to this line, I pray that you can one day because this line brings me to my knees. I have felt what it is like to be so full of His spirit that I can only smile and laugh and share. But then there is the world.

The world can get to you.

I want to be intoxicated with the fragrance of Christ and his Father. God has given my so much and I want to turn it all over again. It is time that I recommit my life to him.

Passion...it once defined me. I lived with a flare that is my Lord Jesus Christ and I start tonight on a journey to regain that.

I want the dust on my feet again. I want to experience the fullness that he gives.

Colissians 2 is a place that I have found what I am looking for, verses 6-7 and then verse 10:
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness...and in Christ you have been brought fullness."

I have been brought to fullness in Him. Thank God. And I am to overflow with thankfulness.

It has been a long time since I have written but tonight is the night I recommit. I recommit to reading, studying, wrestling...the keys to development. The keys to knowing my maker and understanding what he has in store for me. I know God is faithful and he will deliver me. My redeemer and refuge.

He will always take me back, nothing I do will make him love me any less. I dont have words for one who loves like that. Like I have already said, I thank God that I dont understand him, that I cant comprehend him because if I could, then I doubt I would be sitting here tonight thinking all these things.

He has made me full, no...he has filled me past my limit and I overflow. I have a surplus of love, sacrifice, mercy and grace that I can never understand. I never need a refill, because he has given me more than enough to begin with and he will never let me dry. He will forever restore me and pick me up.

I trust in the Lord that he will carry me and pick me up. My Lord is faithful to me to the point of overflowing. Praise God.

My dear Wormwood...

I have been reading the Screwtape Letters for the first time and I really like it. I was very skeptical at first because I just couldn't see how this book could really inspire me or what not, but I was wrong. In my opinion (and everyone I have talked to), the thing that makes this book great is perspective. It is almost like a revelation in some of the letters because, if I didn't know better, I could swear they were written to me. They are all insightful, but some of them really just smack me in the face with a realization of how my sin works and how my human nature allows it to continue. This reversal of faith is humbling to see how my sin finds me out and how I feel guilt and what I do to respond to all these emotions. So many times, Screwtape talks to Wormwood about what to do in a certain situation and at first he presents a thought yet twists it to where the human patient thinks he is in the right. I think I suffer from that a lot. God calls me to do these things and I do the bare minimum or give things that are of no value to me. I never really sacrifice anything for God. A theme that is prevalent with the human patient and what Wormwood is told to draw out is just what I have described: selfishness. The root of sin is selfishness, ultimately. We do things for that make us feel good, that make us look better, that will get us ahead.

The Screwtape Letters is an eye-opening read because of the "behind the scenes" look that it gives you on sin and demons and how the work in our lives. The way CS Lewis discussed how humans interact and how we respond to circumstances is almost scary because it hits the nail on the head. We see this 'patient' who is confronted with many different issues in his life, many similar to ones in my life and Screwtape writes about how things may turn out with the decisions he may make. As humans, we are easily blinded sometimes by the devil working in our lives. Sin is a very eminent thing in this world but than again so is grace. It is inevitable that we will sin, it must happen. We are human, yet with that comes choice. Lucky for us, God has poured out grace to where we have hope to make it through this binding sin. Grace is probably one of the craziest things in the history of mankind. Screwtape talks about it and how he is unable to understand it as well, why would God make the effort to save us? Because he made us, we are his, he loves us. Our relationship with God is simply that: relational.

God calls us to so many laws but He also knows that we will not be able to keep them all for all our lives, we know this just as well as He does. So, how can we reduce this God down to the do's and dont's of His book when so many times we are shown this relational Christ figure who bridges the gap from us to God. Jesus calls us to a relationship with Him and through that relationship, we are able to build these values that Jesus taught us in the Gospels. Maybe God wants our heart and if we truly can give him our heart, than our values will be set in place. We will desire to live this lifestyle that he has planned for us, because it is just that: a lifestyle. It isn't this twice a week religion. A relationship with Jesus Christ and God the Father is a lifestyle. He is a selfish God and wants our all, everything we are. In Collossians 3:17 it helps us with this thought: "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of Jesus Christ, giving thanks to the God the Father through Him." I read this the other night and I have of course heard it before but when I think of that verse it puts into perspective what God truly wants from me. He wants everything. He wants me to die to self, take up my cross. There are so many intricate things that are involved in a life in Christ that I haven't quite figured out yet, but I know that He wants my heart...and that is just the beginning.

Life, as I know it

For the first time in a while, I just don't know. That is all I have to say for myself. I am so lost in this world and the joy has been sucked from my life. I just can't do this life thing, I am not good at it. I want God, but I feel like I can't have him. I want some sign that tells me what to do, where to go, how to live. Today didn't help me with my faith...it just gets me more depressed and I struggle to be sincere with God, which isn't right.

I am again too stressed and tired to continue tonight. I wish I could get all my thoughts down, but there is no way.

Breathe Deep

I figured out tonight why I always stay up late, I think. It's simple, but somewhat abstract: it seems that when I am up late and everyone is asleep, everything else in my world goes to sleep. I deal with issues everyday yet around 10:30 every night I am relaxed. I am not sure why but I guess I my own mind psyches itself out to just hide away all the stress and pain.

The past couple days have been bad for me. Getting off track with God and I hate it, because it affects me. I feel like a rubberband sometimes. I can get on these highs where I am so close to God (stretched) yet eventually I am always hit by reality (snapping back). No matter how much I stretch, ultimately I am gonna snap back and I hate that. I shouldn't be like that, a relationship with God should be like, I don't know, something constant. I deal with things that work as that retracting of the rubberband and it really gets me down, depressing almost. I feel so exhausted, mentally usually. I don't know how I am writing tonight because I am worn out.

Maybe my lack of focus comes from not so much a lack of focus, but a misplaced focus. I dwell too much on the worldly and start to have a negative outlook when I should be set on the things of the spiritual realm which really matter and really keep me uplifted. I just finished a book and in one of the chapters its discussed how today's generation is having little connection with God inside the walls of the church, but instead are being affected by more moving experiences such as an indepth talk with a friend, or an experience in nature, or a weekend retreat, or a moving time of worship and I felt that I really related to that. I long for this extreme connection with God and mundane, surface level things...well, I don't even feel a connection there. I want this moving experience because that is how I think God works. I long for that core group that I can talk with on a regular basis. A place where God is present and visible by the events that happen in that time. A breathtaking encounter that God is in every breath of the moment.

I think of the Exodus, when the Israelites get to the Red Sea. I can't even imagine that event, probably the most amazing thing to ever happen in the history of the world, in my opinion. Also, Elijah on Mt. Carmel and God sending this engulfing fire to completely consume the altar and all the water on it. Just some that come to mind, instances all throughout the Old Testament of the power of God and how he uses it. The OT bores me a lot but there are so many stories that simply make me sit there, and to really think on them with my simple mind is awesome. It's what I love about God. I am not supposed to understand him or, recently in my life, his ways. He has this plan that, in this world, I am not supposed to be able to fully understand.

Another thought, God is always there. I said earlier that I don't feel connected to God sometimes, but that doesn't mean that He isn't there. He is constantly moving people's lives and working in subtle ways that ultimately will change others lives. He never leaves us and is constantly working. It is selfish of me to not appreciate that when I am merely in a bad mood and have this crazy idea that God isn't there.

I am getting tired and need to sleep. In closing and off topic, I ask whoever may read this to humbly pray constantly. Simply pray to God to form relationship and gain understanding. Not that we get what we want, but that we may benefit and further the plans that God has. That is something I struggle with and it helps me to put that down.

Stretch Armstrong

So it has been three long weeks since I have last been able to write and that is due to two things: I have been very busy and frankly, I just haven't been able to think on the level with God that I have recently. I attest the latter to the former, I suppose.

Anyway, tonight I am here. Listening to Castings Crowns...good band. I recommend them.

For a while, I read the Bible looking for verses that could help me right then and there. I wanted that verse that would solve all my problems in that moment. I was a selfish reader and that wasn't a good thing. Also, as I have blogged about before, I was very close minded in my reading. I didn't process what I was reading like I should have.

I think that this is a problem with my generation: reading is such a foreign thing and we don't really know how to read. At least that is what I have noticed. I am in a literature class and I am definitely finding out that I don't understand it, I miss the point of the story. I read these books thinking that the story is just boring and simply a story of events, while I miss the deeper meaning or symbolism of the book, which if I understood would help me appreciate the book. I came to the Bible like that. Just a collection of stories, of course I knew the deeper meaning, but not for myself. I had to start at square one and as I read I came to find that the Bible is really a simple book. The Old Testament makes me mad and the New Testament makes me all kinds of things.

The OT is ultimately a series of God's people turning away from him, God punishing them and teaching them a lesson, his people reconciling, then it starts over again. What gets me is that they had God among them, God spoke to them directly. He was always with them and was eminent in so many ways, yet they still repeated this cycle of ignorance and disobedience. But God always came through for them. God even worked with his people sometimes. Abraham was allowed to save his family. The people were granted a King, when God and the prophets told them that is wouldn't be a good thing, but God still allowed it. The OT really serves, in my eyes, as an introduction to who God and to teach us of his ways. Then there is Psalms and Proverbs and the rest of the praises/wisdom writings. Then the prophecies. Psalms is an amazing book to me. David shows so much emotion in his writings. I am a big believer in emotion in spirituality. But I will get back to that idea...

As for the New Testament...man. Where to start: joy, love, sacrifice, sorrow, confusion, amazement, relationship, salvation, redemption, devotion, belief, excitement. I could go on. The NT is just amazing to me. All these elements expressed in this book, but these aren't just like fictional, literary elements...they come off the pages and exist in my heart. If you have experience this than you know what I mean, and if you haven't then you may think I am just a crazy person, but I'm not.

*********

I see myself as one stuck in between modernity and post-modernity. I believe we should hold true to the Bible, yet feel that spirituality is mainly a relational thing and that we should be accepting of people. I also see modernity as a strict formula to spirituality, which I disagree with. Emotion is the center of a spiritual life in Christ. Like Stretch Armstrong, being pulled more and more to each view, yet the pull is even so I just stay in the center of the two, holding to different philosophies of each.

I thrive off emotional things. Anything that helps me connect to God, I like. Some music (Hillsong United, David Crowder Band, Casting Crowns), some things done in a worship setting (dim lights, silence, time to reflect, certain songs), some things with people (simply talking about belief, about love, about God, about life) just make me feel closer to God. I came to this belief because it what pulled me out of a life of mediocrity. I was so lukewarm because I didn't understand for myself what the Bible was telling me. I had always, like my literature, viewed it has stories with some meaning that the teacher would just tell me what the meant and move on. No longer, because I began to find out for myself what was in store for me. I began to see what it is that people had always taught me, yet developing my own yoke.

One sad thing that I think of when I talk about the lack of reading is the lack of culture in America. People are so dulled by the crap that this country spits out and as a teenager, speaking from experience, it is hard to appreciate things that are cultural. I think this has numbed the brains of a lot of people and people are taught to be "hard" and "tough" yet have no sense of vulnerability about them. Maybe this is because they once were vulnerable in a relationship and were hurt, therefore putting up this wall to any intimacy with others. The thing here is that God won't let us down, if we are intimate with God than we will understand who he is and have a better grasp on his ways. As a man, I see an even greater lack of love and gentleness in men. There is a way to be a strong man yet also be loving, to be tough yet be vulnerable in relationships. The men of this world struggle with idea and it has crippled the leadership in the movement of God. I see in my own Christian-based school the dry desert of love that exists in the halls.

I jump into things a lot, like ideas and in the past relationships without really examing things. My friends dad is the king of overanalyzing everything to a point of where something like going to buy groceries was like going into battle. So I used to think I should slow down and really consider things but not like that. I say all that to say that I try to find this massive event/movement that will just transform the world, when I know that I am not going to find it. Change is incremental and takes, unfortunately, patience. I lack patience, I really do. I work on it but I want to see things happen fast. I would suck at being a farmer. I get tunnel vision and ignore the process that it will take to get my desired result.

I think that if in some way, if Christian spirituality could be like reformed or something and go through this revolution, if it somehow could like just hit a bunch of people in the mouth and get them to realize what it has to offer, then we would have an amazing event on our hands. A reformation back to the Bible, wow. That would be amazing, but we already have this text and have explored it and dissected it, yet people still refuse it. So it is the believers job stand up and declare what it is that God has spoken to us. Unfortunately, it is politically correct to be a Christian so people go to church but then live freely. People see those folks and get this impression of "Christianity" that is completely false. They get 100% hypocrisy. It is a shame that Western Christianity has come to this.

So know I pray that God will bring people up, people that have been quiet yet have been given the strength of God to stand and speak. To stand for all they believe in and to truly live this life that would mirror Jesus. Not a life of someone who merely attends church and puts a smile on their face every Sunday, but a life lived that others would see the relationship that one has in Christ and will want to explore that, in turn finding the true life that we are called to.

Perhaps?

I am on my soapbox about this as I write and many of you who read this will just roll your eyes: I have no idea what is going to happen to me in regards to college. I really don't. I pray and pray that God will give me guidance and patience and wisdom as to my situation. I feel that all I can do is sit back and let God show me what he wants me to do. I really see that a lot, not only in other people but I find myself doing a lot of waiting on God. I have come to see that this is a selfish plan and it needs to change in my life. I sit around, praying, which is good, but there is so much more to making things happen in life.

In the book I am reading, the author focuses on Jonathan, Saul's son, throughout the book. He talks at one point of a story from 1 Samuel, in verse 6: "Let's go across to see those pagans," Jonathan said to his armor bearer. "Perhaps the Lord will help us, for nothing can hinder the Lord. He can win a battle whether he has many warriors or only a few!" Perhaps? Perhaps the Lord will help us? If I were his armor bearer, I am pretty sure I would tell him to go back to sleep and wait for the army tomorrow. I don't really see the good in two men taking on an army of six hundred, especially when your friend merely hopes the Lord will act. A leap of faith, to say the least. I find myself waiting for God, whereas Jonathan shows us that we need to act. Perhaps the Lord will show us what is right, but we must be willing to go.

Benjamin Franklin once said that "well done is better than well said." From this quote, we can take that actions speak louder than words. We can talk the talk, but can we walk the walk. So many ideas and thoughts that address this. Jesus shows us this when he washes his disciples feet. He has been teaching his followers all this time, yet he does this act of service that was considered the lowliest of acts. The Son of God washed a bunch of nobodys' feet? Jesus died on the cross for a bunch of sinners? These acts of service and sacrifice show us what it truly means to walk the walk. Jesus was as do-er. Jesus was, of course, in-tune with the Father and he knew what life meant, he knew how he was to live in accordance with God.

As I sit here right now, I pray that I can become a do-er, to see the chances God puts in front of me and to not let them pass by. Maybe God has given us many chances, yet we aren't looking for them. We are just waiting for them to fall in our laps. Maybe God wants us to seek them. "..Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.." This verse tells us that we have to take initiative and go, we must knock not wait. I have never thought of this verse that way, but it just came to me after I started writing this paragraph. There is so much depth to it that we miss while singing it in church over and over. God is calling us to rise up and do. God is calling us to take hold of the moments that he puts in front of us. Maybe God simply wants us to go and then, like with Jonathan, he will intervene on behalf of our faith that he truly will...

"Go! Walk where no man has walked, yet you find footprints."

The Epicenter

Epicenter

Do not stand in the center if you do not wish to be shaken.
There is always danger when the movement comes.
Its force is most powerful underneath the surface, then breaks through the hardest of ground.
Epic change moves from the inside out.
_Ayden, Perils of Ayden

Those few lines are quite amazing. To relate this passage to Christ Jesus and a faith in him is astounding. To be in the middle of Christ is definitely to be shaken. There is no way you can stand before the Lord, yet only bow down.

In the bubble that I call school, God is stirring hearts. His will is finding its way into the lives of people around me. I came back to school anew, ready to live for Him and I feared what would happen. I feared ridicule and prayed that God would strengthen me in the halls. God is amazing. I have come to find that so many people have a fire for God that is waiting to be released. It is if they have been 'hiding it under a bushel' yet are coming together to stand for Him. Hillsong United sings a song that has these words in them: "The time has come to stand for all we believe in and I for one am gonna give my praise to you, Jesus". This line is so awesome to me, the way it poses that the time is now. Not when you go to a retreat, not when you are in church. It is now.

There is always danger when the movement comes. A ha! A catch.. Such a glorious movement, yet never a safe one. The rewards are amazing and the struggle is to be honored, but what about the pain? What is to be said of the rejection and ridicule and persecution? What about being labeled as weak because you know how to love? Human nature tells me to quit, give in. They are right anyway, why am I doing this? James tells gives us a different view on this topic, in James 1:2-3: "Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance." and later in Chapter 1, verse 12: "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." This challenges human nature, which in turn challenges us, the humans. It is not in our blood to love and cherish ridicule. Not something I wake up excited about. But James calls us to look past the human aspect and calls us to a greater meaning. He says that this persecution is only to the betterment of our faith, then goes on to tell us of what awaits those who stay strong in their faith. God call us to a mighty movement, yet puts is right in the middle of it.

As I was saying earlier, my school is laying low and just waiting for the group of radicals to stand for all they believe in. I honestly feel that an uprising is brewing, it is waiting to erupt. People who need that catalyst and simply biding time for a person to stand and boldly say what they want to hear. Look at Peter and how his life unfolded. He wasn't good enough to be a rabbi, so he resorted back to the family business of fishing. Yet, this rabbi comes along and calls him to be a disciple. Throughout the gospel, we see Peter repeatedly mess up, even once being referred to as Satan himself by his rabbi. Then we skip over to Acts where we see Peter at Pentecost. THE leader of the first church. His passion was there, yet the human body held it back. His flesh served as the rock solid ground. Interesting to see how Cephas ("rock") evolves in the form of his name. He at first is hard in a human since but as time unfolds and he spends his years with the rabbi Jesus, we see Peter turn to a spiritual rock, a bedrock foundation for the First Century church. His passion, his zeal that has always been there finally breaks through the rocky surface that is his human nature. Jesus was his catalyst. Jesus is our catalyst, yet sometimes we need help.

We need some human example to really see what a solid faith is. I have seen many figures over the last month that pretty much blast me with a reality check, it spurs me on to explore my faith and the depth of it. It challenges me to work towards the goal that is a fearless faith.

Ah...the greatest line of the passage: Epic change happens from the inside out. Just as it was with Peter, it begins at the heart and it is a matter of overcoming the physical, the human that restrains the wildfire of a passionate faith in Christ. God shows us that the matters of the heart are far greater than anything in the physical. He shows us that the heart must be searched for that is where you find the power to change. In 1 Samuel 16 when God sends Samuel to the house of Jesse, Samuel is shown this by God. God sends him out to find the new King of Israel, to anoint the one who will replace Saul. He comes to Jesse's house and sees seven of his sons and they all have certain qualities that Samuel believes to be that of a King for Israel. God tells him in verse seven that "...the Lord looks at the heart." For God to then have Samuel pick David, the youngest and smallest of the family and only a shepherd boy, it must have been baffling. God sees the heart and knows what can happen. So many instances in the Bible when God uses the unlikely character to do his good deeds, he sees the heart. Abraham, Noah, Rahab, David, Peter, Paul and Jesus himself was not even a prominent physical figure. God shows us many times that it begins with the heart. Epic change moves from the inside out.

Taking a Look Back

I was standing there, looking out over the mountains and simply relishing at this amazing scenery. The view from the top was incredible, to be honest my words will never do it justice. I reflect back on my trip on Trek, it helps that it is glued in my mind and heart. I remember thinking the view was so cool, but then our focus shifted the where our high camp was. We were all looking far down through the valley to where we had hiked from that day. It was a very long way. I just think on how the reward is so amazing, yet what a battle to earn it. Loose rocks, steep grades, winding switchbacks, and plenty of tired people made for a struggle to the top of this skyscraping mountain. Yet I think of it and I smile, I smile at the wonderful adventure and how the entire time I knew what I was hiking for.

Our reward is great, but what about the journey? God calls us to live a life for him. Yes, the reward is great but I love to live my life. What a chance we have to do so many things, to suffer, to teach, to love, to learn, to simply live. All to the glory of Jesus Christ. I am convicted that Jesus should be a part of my every moment, every thing that happens. More radical maybe, but I feel so strongly about being able to discuss God and His Son in my everyday life. Unfortunately, that is uncomfortable to others and I may endure ridicule. Ridicule is merely loose rock, to which I prevail on my journey. He calls us to come follow him and the life of a disciple is a demanding one, we must lose our life so that we may save it. What an amazing paradox, by losing my life...I have found it. It's so true, this statement.

I sit here tonight, fully wrapped up in what God is all about. I want to learn more and more about who He is and what He has in store for me. I think he has amazing plans for everyone, it is just a matter of surrendering to his will and letting him fully consume you. I never will be able to explain to you the joy I feel in Christ Jesus. I simply cannot express to you in words the love that He has shown me. I pray that God will use me to share this, to go out into the world and preaching the good news. It is my prayer that people begin to relish in the journey, for the time is now. The adventure is ready and waiting for a passionate person to fully engulf themselves in it and start the life that they have been called to this very day. The journey is where the glory of the goal is found. To truly understand this glory, you must first experience the adventure.

Come to the Table

I was at a retreat in Memphis this weekend and I will say that it was alright. Two things that really made it special though:

First, Mike Lewis (Jesus Painter) was there and the way that he connects with his art is an amazing thing. To just sing and watch a picture be created is so cool. He actually did two paintings, but the second one really hit me. It was so simple and you may not understand it unless you have witnessed him paint before. He started off the latter of his painting by simply writing "all my sins" at the top of the canvas. As he proceeded to paint, he left that there for a while. Near the end, he finally painted over it with the finishing touches to a picture a black-haired man, with a tear coming from his eye and blood splattered on his face. The way he used his art to show that message was so amazingly powerful, I can't really do it justice from writing about it.

Secondly, we took a communion late on Sunday night and to start the night off, a video was shown and it illustrated the sequence of events that happened to this boy when he was young involving the dinner table. I didn't think much of this video until I was sitting up at the table looking down into my little cup of juice. "I am not worthy of this man. How is it that I can be here when in no way do I deserve this love? I am a sinner. I hurt people. I lie. I am a SINNER." I sat there and as I began to cry, I remember that video. The line that lifted my head to look back at my cup was when the boy asked to be excused and he was. He was excused from the....I am excused! This cup that I don't even feel worthy to drink is for exactly that reason. I am not worthy, yet because of the 1 ounce symbol that sat in front of me, I am EXCUSED. I have been set free, God has poured out love and grace all over my body.

As I set there, I thanked God. I thanked Him for who he was, is and will forever be in my life. I pray constantly for God to guide me and that Sunday night in Cordova, God said told me that as always been there for me but I simply must follow. Praise God for the emotional experience, the intimacy that I had with God on that night, for because of that I know without a doubt that Jesus Christ loves me and that he died on the cross for me. He sacrificed his life so that I may have life. This seemingly unthinkable deed has given me hope. Hope that one day, I will be surrounded by His glory.

God broke my heart that night and I will forever remember that table, the spot I sat at, pouring the juice into my cup, crying for no apparent reason yet only to have God show me what life is. I thank God that I have been excused.

Doctor, doctor

I think I say this a lot, but I really cannot get my thoughts under control. They are all over the place and I would love to be able to write more but is rare that I have time to sit and think. I love just being able to relax and read a book and think on it, but that hasn't been happening much lately. There are a couple things that I have been thinking on.

The Bible was written for people during the first century; an entirely different culture than ours. I think a lot of times we take Bible verses out of context to apply them to our lives. I think that we pick and choose customs and beliefs from the Bible. One such example that doesn't seem to want to leave my mind is the concept of fasting. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert alone with God, while fasting. Now, I am sure a lot of people in America fast but it has always been a foreign thing to me. As I read that, I think more and more about it and what it means to fast. I kind of developed my thoughts on fasting and they are as follows:

1) Fasting is first and foremost an effort to place all focus on God
2) Along with number one, it tests you and challenges you physically
3) Both of those combined, it is about spiritual self-discipline.
4) I think fasting should be a regular occurrence in one's life and should be planned out and followed strictly, again coming back to spiritual self-discipline as well as overcoming the physical.

I have never done it really and I think that a discipline like that can truly help faith grow. I pray that I can have the strength to do it, because hunger is definitely a powerful thing in the physical realm...

Secondly, I tend to agree with most thoughts from the spiritual books that I read but the one I am on now is really getting at me. One thing it talks about is how to reach out to others and evangelize, that you must be able to offend them. Be able to show them that they are in the wrong and God is the only way. They also use the argument that Jesus offended people and last time I checked Jesus offended a group of people for being self-righteous hypocrites. The Pharisees are the only people he offended and with good reason. The two authors of this book talk of offending those without God in their lives. Why does our society associate the word "Christian" with a negative connotation.? Maybe it is because of people who think that is how evangelism is done. I am sorry but I strongly disagree with that method of thought. If Jesus were here today, I believe he would be in the bars with the lost people and he would be lashing out at self-proclaimed "Christians" sitting in church on Sunday.

I strongly feel that those without Christ should be reached with compassion and love and even more: understanding. People without Christ need to be able to sit and talk, and not feel embarrassed about their sin or lack of faith, but simply be able to talk about it to someone who can understand them and love them, not judge or condemn. I hope to one day be able to reach out to those who want God in their lives and maybe even to those who desperately need him.

I guess I can finish this essay with this, it seems right to me:

11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"
12 On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:11-13

All my distress is going, going gone...pressing on, pressing on.

For as far back as I can remember, I have heard certain scriptures over and over and over. They are pummeled into my brain because they are key verses that we should always remember. I can agree with that but one thing I have noticed by reading the Bible in length is that I need to take things into consideration in regards to these verses. Do you ever question why that was written and what was the situation the people who received this message were in?

One verse that comes to mind is a simple one: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Now before I continue, I must preface by saying I have been under a lot of stress mainly because of the start of school. It has been an entire week for me to even log into this blog and that is uncommon. So, I say that to let you know how tired and stressed I am these days. Back to my point, that verse has been taught to me ever since I was little and was always used as an analogy in sports (which I hate, not everything in life can be paralleled by sports. I'll save that for another time...). This verse has simply been an encouragement, yet tonight as I was reading through Philippians it hit me with so much more. It is the verses that come before this one. After reading these verses, I gained an entirely new perspective on Phil. 4:13. In the previous verses, Paul says this, starting in the second part of verse 11: "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to have be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Then we come to verse 13, again: "I can go all things through Christ who gives me strength." And one more point to make that really gives this verse its validity, to show that Paul isn't just saying this to say it: He is in prison.

He is speaking from a jail cell, where he has nothing. Alas, he has found contentment how? Because he knows he can do all things through Christ. Honestly, this past week I have felt like jello. Inside and out. I have been beaten physically and in turn, I have been too tired to spend time with God. Yet here is a man who has been literally beaten and thrown in jail and not for the first time, yet he still recognizes God. And all this has happened because of God. And does he back down and subdue his teachings and writings? NO! He has found hope in God. He is positive that God will deliver him.

One thing that I struggle with is fully depending on God. Paul, here in prison, amazes me. He has been doing the will of this God, yet in turn he is punished. He endures suffering for the one who has allowed him to be beaten. But Paul was always so joyful. He had risen completely above things of this world and had found this serenity in God. If only I could develop a faith to where I am numb to the world. So many instances in the text where Paul simply shrugs off the bad things of the world that happen to him. He knows that they are not of God. God allows them to happen, but in no way are they of God and because of this he has no worry. The things of God are good and it is on these things that he dwells, completely. Staying in Philippians, going to chapter 3, verse 8: "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ..." Wow. Paul is so in tune with that is that Christ came to show us. Things of this world, bad and good DO NOT MATTER. They can be beneficial, but they themselves are of no value to us. Paul tries to tell us this, yet sometimes we fail to realize the place or position he speaks from. He is basically living a life of ridicule and persecution, yet remains strong in his faith. I have a test in a few days and I simply buckle... I truly thank God for Paul, who has emerged as my favorite figure in the Bible, apart from Christ himself. The way God uses him to speak to these people of these cities...how amazing to have someone ministering to you like that. I guess I am just caught up in this book, but the fact that Paul was in prison and the way that he writes simply brings me to me knees. How can I have that faith? What steps can I take to want to live that life of worship to Him? It's simple, really. Press on. Press on toward the goal by way of faith in Christ.

I guess it would be fitting to close with more of Paul's words in Philippians, from chapter 3, verse 12: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

Stirred, not shaken

A friend of mine recently told me that she thought that God "constantly stirs my heart" and that really meant a lot to me. But when I got that message, I began to wonder what that really meant. What occurs in me when God "stirs my heart". For some reason, I thought of the pool of Bethesda from the time of Jesus. The story where Jesus heals the paralytic by the pool. Back to my thinking though, I thought on what the pool was and the idea of its healing powers that it was thought to have had. It was said that God stirred the pool and the first to get in the pool as it was stirred, would receive healing. That's it... I think that for God to stir my heart is to bring healing on my soul. And yes, when I think about it, that is what he does. He gives me a peace of mind and heart that relaxes me. He takes me away from the troubles of my world and draws me into him. God is so awesome in that he can simply let me draw my mind away from what is not of him and let me focus on him. I wish that I could always be in this state, but for me it takes time to really open up to God and allow him to do that. I worry, as I started back to school today, that I will be able to find time in this hectic last year of high school that God will not only speak to me and give me peace, but that he will use me. He will use me as a tool to show others the way God can stir the heart and give you peace.

One thing about this peace that is amazing to me is the amount of joy that comes with it. It is almost paradoxical to say that I am at peace yet am bursting with joy, but that is exactly what I feel. I pray that I can continue to be in this state, a state of oneness with God and that I allow him to speak to me this year and give me vision into what he wants out of me.

God is awesome. Hopefully, I can know this every second of my life. I tend to forget, but how? He gave so much for us and I pray that as I continue to mature in my relationship with him, I will find out what it is that he wants of me.

PS - I am getting better in regards to my writing/typing skills, cause spell check says I had no errors. :-)

Turning it over...In my stomach and my life.

What is that holds us back from accepting God in our lives? For so many years, I straddled the fence on my spirituality. I went to church but I never really felt God in my life. I knew the stories and facts, I went on Sundays, I went on Wednesdays. Shoot, I even had chapel and a Bible class every day at school. But something wasn't clicking. I was missing something. Or was I? I wasn't missing anything..I had it all along, it was just a matter of me finding it. What I am talking about is my choice to humble myself before God and to realize, "I can't do it alone. I need someone in my life to keep my going." In essence, my choice to give up. And it took my so long to realize that I simply must give it all to God. Such a simple concept but I couldn't seem to wrap my head around it. Or rather wrap my heart around it.

We hold back from this because it is a matter of vulnerability. Now, I feel strongly the the ability to make yourself vulnerable before God and before others is the absolute key to growing in relationships. But so many times in life, a person achieves this state and is turned away. To have been rejected after opening your heart to someone is a crushing blow to a persons mind, heart, and so on. It demoralizes them to the point of fear of relationships altogether. Why then do we shy away from one with God? Do we think that he too will reject us?

I was at Six Flags this past weekend and after I rode a certain ride, I kind of thought on how it applied to my life. The ride was simple. It took you straight up at a really slow speed, held you at the top for a few seconds, then randomly dropped you into a free-fall to about 20 feet above the ground where you slowed. Paralleling these thoughts, the ride to the top is like my life. It is going along pretty easy, no big scares or surprises. But then I come to a moment of uncertainty. I am sitting at the top of a huge tower and I am horrified (And I love roller coasters with a passion, but this anxiety was overwhelming). In the same way, in my life I have decision to make at this point. I fear giving it to God, because what if I am not good enough, what if he doesn't understand me? I sit here with so much emotion going through me and that is when God taps my heart and it pours open. Secrets, hopes, lies, truths, friends, enemies, hate, love. He takes it all away from me. That's when I let go. My anxiety stays at the top of that tower, and it stays there in my life too. I drop from the top of that ride with so much fear in what I know will happen, but no idea how awesome it will be. In the same light, I give it all to God thinking it will help me but when I do, the ride is a rush. More than I could even imagine. A rush of adrenaline that is God's love. It controls me and I can't help but scream and smile. When I get off, I hold onto that feeling. It isn't just a high, not just a rush, but a challenge. God says to me, "This is what life with me is like." I don't feel like this was just a quick jolt, it isn't just a spark...Its a raging fire. It consumes me and I burn long after the initial light. I take it with me and love it. I want to live for that rush. What an awesome high to live on...The pure adrenaline of Christ in my life.

These words are not enough

This will be short because it is early and I just felt like writing some thoughts...

How awesome is God? I have to say that lately I have been so wrapped up in the mere thought of Him. I have this excitement that I can't hardly explain. He is all I want, all I need. It is truly God's joy inside of me and hopefully working through me. I spent time with some close friends this past weekend and we stayed up pretty late talking about our views on God and about our own relationships with him and with others through Him. That is what God wants from us. He puts others in our lives to keep us going, to bring joy in our lives and uplift us. We have been given so much and I can't help but ask why would I not want to live a life in return to my God? I feel that I grow everyday and that I truly search the Bible for the vision that God has for me. He has plans for all of us, cliche I know, but it is so true. In the past couple of weeks, I feel him growing in me and its something that I don't want to stop. I feel blessed and loved by God. He opens my eyes in the situations where I am lost and simply says, "Why worry? You have me and, you know, that is all you need. I will be here for you and no matter what else happens, that will be enough if you allow me to live in you." It has kind of been a small reformation in my heart this summer, but now I return to school. A good place, but what of its love for God? He has opened a massive door of opportunity for me to simply love others and show them that God is good. He is amazing. He is all that I need.

He is calling me on the adventure that I wrote about a few weeks back. It is a call to live for him. It's so simple, yet so complex. All he wants from me is for me to love. To love others, to love him. But he gives us something that without we would be lost. He gives us hope, hope in his son that we may live a life for him on this earth. I feel that he has put a challenge in front of me. He is telling me to reach out to those in need of him, but the beauty of doing this is that I will grow and find myself while fellowshipping with others. God has made this life a beautiful thing that we can find friendship and love to rejoice in him. The coolest thing of all this is not that I chose him. It isn't that I have found God and liked what he had to offer. The greatest thing of all this is that he FIRST loved me. He chose me, in all my imperfections...He still chose me, he still loved me. Thank God for his glory and may we all remember him every second of our life and rejoice in the future I may have with you, even if I do not know you, because Christ died for me and you so that we may one day join him with his Dad up in heaven and forever live in joy, peace and love. But as it is said: the greatest of these is love. Love. He allows us to love and forever live in it with him.

What Tyler did

A friend of mine once told me a story about a bully back in his home town. One of the most disturbing stories I have ever heard. My friend, let's call him Pete, had a dog. This bully, whom we will call Tyler, for some reason didnt like Pete or his dog. Now, Pete loved his dog and Tyler knew this. So one day, Tyler went to Pete's house and took Pete's dog and tied him to the back of his truck. The dog barking and whimpering as Pete ran out of his house to see the truck take off down the road...

From John 19: 1Then Pilate took Jesus and had him flogged. 2The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head. They clothed him in a purple robe 3 and went up to him again and again, saying, "Hail, king of the Jews!" And they struck him in the face. So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. 17Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in Aramaic is called Golgotha). 18Here they crucified him, and with him two others—one on each side and Jesus in the middle.

Now my first story was not true in any aspect. But which one wrenched your heart more? I will be honest, when I heard the two back-to-back..the first one cut to me deeper. Now maybe not for all of you, but if it did...why are we like this? How is it that a story of a dog can break our hearts more then the very words of our Savior being killed for doing absolutely nothing? Why is my heart calloused to the story of Jesus? We have heard it over and over. Why then does it lack its value. Why does my heart not pound through my chest when I read these words? Many times when I watch the news and see that someone has died, I simply feel for the family and move on. But, this past February when a close friend of mine died, I didn't even understand what was going on. I was so out of it and emotional, that I couldn't control my own mind, body, or heart. What is the difference? I had a much much closer relationship with the latter than the person on the news. The loss of my friend was a much bigger hole in my heart.

And so here I sit. I long to feel the hurt of his death. I long to have the relationship with Jesus that when I read his story, I am overcome by the emotion inside that I feel for God's son. I want my heart to be broken so that he can fill it with his love and passion and emotion. But how? I feel I grow closer to God everyday of my life now. I take the steps that build relationship. One thing that really hit me in regards to Jesus was the movie "The Passion of the Christ". If you have seen it, then you understand the emotion in that movie. It completely cuts through your heart to see in such detail the pain that Jesus went through for me, for you. What a shame that we take that for granted. The greatest act of love ever shown for every man and woman and child...yet we take it for granted. I guess I just have been thinking about being geniuine lately. I long to feel a genuine desire to know God. I feel bad because these thoughts werent really organized and worse than usual but I felt like writing tonight. Not very good to write when I am in this state and I reconsidered putting it up. I am sure I will take it off soon...but for now, here it is.

Muslims have it down...

I'll start off with a quote from a song by DC Talk: The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

This quote is kind of crazy to think about, almost paradoxical. How is is that Christians, in serving others and doing things to the glory of God, push people away from religion entirely? What if you were to examine the lives of 10 of your friends that claim to be Christians...what would the results be like? Don't get me wrong, I am not condemning people or judging but think of those that claim to follow God, yet show no reflection of him in their life. How are people supposed to come to know the good and true God when they see "his followers" living the lives they do. Maybe we should reconsider our lives. Let's go with the title of the blog somewhat. If you were in front of a camera 24 hours a day, as if for some reality TV show, what would the viewers think of you? How would the episode from Sunday morning compare to the episode of Friday night? Any contradictions found in your life?

Why is that? Why do people claim Jesus, then in no way live a life for him? In this society, to claim Jesus is expected, but to live like him is not. Maybe that is it, that is the problem. People conform to what the world says. That may be cliche, but don't tell me it isn't true. What happened to living for your convictions, no fear of persecution for your beliefs? The new testament is full of it, yet we can't seem to follow those thoughts. If I say that, then why cant I ask why Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden? This is the wonderful fault in being human...We have a choice. Wonderful in that we are not robots, we are not puppets, but can think and live on our own. But a fault because there is wrong in the world, much more than there is right. Wide is the path to destruction, narrow is the road that leads to heaven. Such a true statement in regards to our world. God gave us the choice to do what we please, so why then would we live this life that he has given us in total disrespect to him? How can we find ourselves completely ignoring this book that he has provided us with, to teach us, guide us in our lives? A choice...Many choices, every single one changing the course of our life, either for the good or the bad.

The religions of the middle east are intriguing to me. Not because of their radical thinking, or the god they worship, really I don't agree with the religion. I guess I should say I respect the following of the religion. They live a life in service to their god. Everything they do is to honor the one who they believe gives them life. Of course I don't, as I said, agree with their beliefs, but the devotion they show is commendable. They would easily martyr themselves for their god because they will be rewarded. What reward do we get in standing up for beliefs? Ridicule? Someone making fun? And we stay away from being our own person for that?? Where would we stand if our life were on the line? God gave us life, he gave us the choice to live how we may, but it all points back to him and his love for us. Why cant we simply live a life of love for him? I guess that is what I find...Unbelievable.

Reading in a new light

I am writing this entry in my journal while camping at the lake. I am sitting here and a storm is moving in from over the trees across the lake and the heat lightning is picking up. I have always loved heat lightning because it is such an awesome sight to see it fill the sky with silent light. But where there is heat lightning, soon there will be a storm. A storm came, and it came hard. I was with a group from church and I went to the tent where I would be staying. It was a small, cheap tent so I was a little concerned about how it would take the pounding rain and heavy winds. The place we were camped didn't allow us to put the pins in, so the wind was rocking the edge of my tent and I had to settle it with my hand. Next, the rain started getting in the tent because the rain fly was slipping off the back. And to top it all off, the lightning was striking in our camp. Now, if you know me, you know that I do not like lightning in the same general area as I am. I am selfish about my space when it comes to lightning, you could say. So I am sitting in my tent, worried about the lightning and after about 10 minutes of this, a strange peace came over me. If you have seen the movie 'Batman Begins', I want to refer to the part where Bruce returns to his parents home and repels down into the old well in which the bats live. In this scene, he goes to confront the bats and the same thing happens to him as it did when he was young: The bats flew out and scared him, and he fell down. But this time, he didn't stay down. He stood up and the bats flew around him, not touching him. That is how I felt last night in the tent. Although just about anything could penetrate that tent, I felt as though I was untouchable. Strange are the ways God works sometimes, and yes I do think it was God that brought that peace over me. He is constantly taking care of us and showing us we have nothing to fear.

Now, as I said earlier, I wrote in my actual journal while camping since I was without a computer. I say that to tell you about my journal. It has a Bible verse on each page and I found it ironic, coincidental, whatever you want to call it, that the verse was what it was. It was from Proverbs 19:21:

Manys are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that
prevails.

I find this ironic because it is just the verse I need to listen to at this point in my life. I need to give my plans to God. So many times I hear about people just opening their Bible to a verse that changes their life and I always wish that something like that would happen to me, to kind of be a sign to me. Now, I decided that was selfish and that it doesn't really show faith on my part. But, this verse being in my journal is the closest experience I have that could be called one the events I explained above. It spoke to me, and maybe just because it is so relevant at this point in my life. I am sure that I have read a verse hundreds of times and continued reading, but at some point I will look at it in a new light and it will have a new meaning to me because of my changing life. That is what this was last night, because it is what I needed. I have so much on my mind and that stress really took its toll on me on Monday. I kinda just broke down and got mad at God because things weren't going my way, but then I was blessed with a wonderful week and then had this verse put in front of me. I think it was God's way of telling me "You know, I am always going to be here. But its life, you cant depend on yourself to make it through. Stick with me, we can do it together." Then I think, where would I be without God? What chance in this world would I have? And yet, we still take him for granted but take a moment to think on just one word and what role it plays in your life: GRACE. A beautiful thing God made for everyone, for me, for you. No matter how far away we get from God, how angry we become with him...he is always there to take us back.

Pick just one word

I get so angry at myself sometimes, because I don't write down things when I think of them. So many times ideas and thoughts come to me, but I am a very absent minded person. In one ear, out the other... Hopefully they will come to me again, because when I thought of them I really got excited about sharing them, but now I can't remember most of them. One thing I did recall from my last few days out of town is thinking about death and some things along with it. I was in a class and the question was asked: If you could have only one word on your grave, what would it be? That really made me think. What one word could define an entire life? How could I sum up all that I have been through in a matter of a few letters? I started thinking hard about that as people in the circle answered the question and as the line grew shorter as it neared my seat. The girl right before me, Rachel, answered the question quickly with the word 'faith'. I thought that to be interesting. I decided on the word 'loved'. In my mind, it seemed that the word loved would sum up a good life lived. Then my brain really started going. (This is a benefit of my ADD that I am positive I have. I think of something which leads to the next thing, which gets my thinking about another idea and so on and so on. Ultimately, I bounce around on a lot of ideas). But, as I said, my head started turning and I thought on the idea of why people get so upset when one dies. Of course, because you will never seem them again in a physical sense and it is our nature to be distraught over death. But what I was thinking about is why do deaths impact so many lives? The thought that came to me sounded a little weird, but maybe you can work with me. Death reflects life. The amount of sorrow that comes in the event of someone's death, in my opinion, is because of the life they led. What an awesome privilege we have to live and to impact others, to make friends, to love. To lose one who did these things to the fullest is going to be extremely hard. But, the challenge is to let these people live on. The laughs they gave us, the tears they shed, the life they lived...Why let it die when it meant so much. A girl at my school died this past year and the night it happened was one of the most heartwrenching experiences in my life. People at the church crying hysterically and I was one of them soon after. How could God let this happen to someone like her? She impacted so many in her life, but what of her death? In the months after she died, people changed. People changed for her. Everyone was touched by the life she led and they didn't want her to go, so they made the decision to let her live through them. They would do the things she did, they would love and laugh like she did. They would carry on the beauty of life that she was. And, yes, death is a horrible thing. But what an awesome thought to know that not only is she in a better place, but because of her...A few more will be joining her.

Google and Arrows

Lately, I have felt like I am on some sort of an adventure, searching for something. I don't know what that something is, but I know that I need to find it. Now, I know this is spiritual, but in what aspect. Something about God that I am looking for. Not so much a needle in a haystack, but a definitely not a toddler Easter egg hunt. Something of God's nature is calling out to me and I cant figure it out. Ill be honest, this entry is mainly for me as I type right now, but maybe my thoughts will unfold into something useful to you. Back to my point, in the world today if I were looking for something than I would probably be told to 'google it'. It is so easy to find easy things in this society, but what about the hard things. I'll have to search within me. This, my friends, is not something to be found on the internet. It would be easy if I could type in God and Brett in the little white bar and find what I need from the blue text it would give me. That won't happen. I am looking for something deep, something ill find on my own. I am not saying that im completely self-dependent and can figure it out all on my own, but this one is calling me and me alone. God wants me to come after him, a chase I suppose. But what is at the end? Not so much a chase to catch God, because we can never just catch God and understand all things. I chase to where he will lead me, is what this is. Hopefully, I can find what God intends for me at this point in my life. Right now, I have things on my heart that need to be settled, things in my life that need to be tamed, issues that hold me back from the adventure God has planned for me. In speculation, maybe this adventure is the rest of my life. I have built a foundation with God, a genuine relationship and now he challenges me to face the arrows of life as they come, but as the Bible says in Hebrews 12: "...throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Maybe that verse is the verse that speaks to me at this point in my life. As I write this, I am questioning myself...I think things are kind of unfolding here in this room full of bouncy balls that I call my brain. Now that I have committed, I may start to face trials due to my commitment and God is challenging me to keep up...just keep up.

Passion

I think that there is one main difference between the typical Christian who just goes to church and "punches his/her card" and between the Christian who geniunly strives to know God. Of course there are many, but lately I think this is a huge issue that splits the two groups. It is a matter of vulnerability. Those who can make themselves vulnerable to other believers are able to grow with each other, and in doing that, they grow closer to God. In this society, so many people are afraid to make themselves vulnerable, to put themselves out there, to say what they honestly think or believe. In essence, afraid of rejection. I think that one of the best ways to grow in your faith is to open you heart to someone. Now, I dont mean while walking down the street, because then I think that you will experience the rejection that so many fear. Find a friend that will listen and want to understand you. In my most honest opinion, that is the key to growth. It will truly break your heart and through talking with someone close to you, hopefully you will find an avenue to a deeper relationship with God. Again, I ramble a lot but hopefully you can pull it all together as you read. But I think that a lack of openness from people hinders them from experience the greatness of God, because how are they expected to know him if they do not give him all of their mind AND heart?

Secondly (on a different note), as a teen who has grown up in the church, I have been to many retreats, camps, etc. and I have found that so many times at these events, the speakers blister the crowd with a lesson of morals. Dont get me wrong morals are key, of course. When I was around the age of 15, I really felt burnt out by the church and I feel that because in camps, classes and any other spiritual event, all they did was condemn such things. I think that teens need to hear thoughts on passion and love and relationship. While im at it, people of all ages need to come to terms with that. So many times we worry about overstepping the boundaries that the church sets for us and we find no time for growth with God. Lately, I have found that growth is a key part in a true relationship with God. I can be a good person and not love God, there are people like that. So what good does it do to hammer in a message of behave and dont do this, dont do that to people when even if they heed this message, they still are at odds with God because they dont know him. One word that has been stuck in my head this summer is passion. I want to have a passion for God. A fire, a burning to know him. With that, I think everything else will fall into line. To find a loving relationship with God is at the top of an imaginary list of importance in ones spiritual walk. If achieved, I think all other issues in your faith in God will become more clear and more present in your life.

Imagery

What would we do without imagery. Not just the literary term, used in writing but what about mountains, stars, valleys, forrests. We take it for granted alot. What about walking along the beach? Its so awesome to experience these places. I have found a new love for outdoors after my experience at Trek. The icy rivers freezing my hands when I fill up my nalgene at sunset...such an awesome total experience. Two deer running through camp during our devo..we take things such as this for granted so much. Take advantage of these things...because what would we do without them? Imagine how empty the world could be, then look outside and see how full that God has made it..

Fork in the Road

So this is my first attempt at writing, then again its not really for you. It's for me, but you have the luxury, maybe, to read it. I guess the first thing I should say is in regards to the name of the blog here. Lights...Camera...Live. Now this is live as in living, not live as in SNL. I feel a lot that the world is a stage and we are just puppets. But, we have the chance to break free. I believe there comes a time in everyones life when you hit the 'fork in the road'. For me, I have been stuck at it, off and on, for a while. Regarding college choice..my life seemed for the longest time to be heading in a straight shot for one place, but late last night I found myself. I have developed a longing to get away, to leave. I want to go somewhere new, meet new people, become a new person. Its so easy to go where you are 'supposed' to go, cause you know people and you get dropped right in. I dont want that. I want a chance to be my own person, I always have been and to get away is key.

I went on a Wilderness Trek recently with my church and on the glorious Mt. Antero in Colorado, I think I found myself. I have been wrapped up in the author Donald Miller lately. His books really make me think about life, God, and everything that goes with it. I never read much, but lately I cant put books down. They are opening my eyes and I think God is using them to talk to me. To open my eyes about my life and where I am going, what I am doing. Hopefully, it will all be revealed to me what to do. But, this week in the mountains was a kick start to my matured faith, I think. So many times I will come home from a retreat or a camp and feel so charged and on fire for God, but soon after getting home I fall right back into my old life. Not this time, I vowed before I set foot on that mountain, even aloud to my group, that this was going to impact me. I knew God was going to use that week and he did, no doubt in my mind. It didnt charge me and fire me up, it set me on fire. I know this is a lot of rambling and all over the place, off the walls kind of writing but I my heart and mind are all over the place as I write this. I will attempt to tune my writing skills for the enjoyment of the reader, but for now...enjoy this. Its what is happening with me today. Ill try to share more thoughts about things in general, but I felt I needed to write this somewhere. In conclusion, I feel close to God yet still am lost. I believe patience is the key and God will reveal what he has planned...but ill try to keep writing.