My dear Wormwood...

I have been reading the Screwtape Letters for the first time and I really like it. I was very skeptical at first because I just couldn't see how this book could really inspire me or what not, but I was wrong. In my opinion (and everyone I have talked to), the thing that makes this book great is perspective. It is almost like a revelation in some of the letters because, if I didn't know better, I could swear they were written to me. They are all insightful, but some of them really just smack me in the face with a realization of how my sin works and how my human nature allows it to continue. This reversal of faith is humbling to see how my sin finds me out and how I feel guilt and what I do to respond to all these emotions. So many times, Screwtape talks to Wormwood about what to do in a certain situation and at first he presents a thought yet twists it to where the human patient thinks he is in the right. I think I suffer from that a lot. God calls me to do these things and I do the bare minimum or give things that are of no value to me. I never really sacrifice anything for God. A theme that is prevalent with the human patient and what Wormwood is told to draw out is just what I have described: selfishness. The root of sin is selfishness, ultimately. We do things for that make us feel good, that make us look better, that will get us ahead.

The Screwtape Letters is an eye-opening read because of the "behind the scenes" look that it gives you on sin and demons and how the work in our lives. The way CS Lewis discussed how humans interact and how we respond to circumstances is almost scary because it hits the nail on the head. We see this 'patient' who is confronted with many different issues in his life, many similar to ones in my life and Screwtape writes about how things may turn out with the decisions he may make. As humans, we are easily blinded sometimes by the devil working in our lives. Sin is a very eminent thing in this world but than again so is grace. It is inevitable that we will sin, it must happen. We are human, yet with that comes choice. Lucky for us, God has poured out grace to where we have hope to make it through this binding sin. Grace is probably one of the craziest things in the history of mankind. Screwtape talks about it and how he is unable to understand it as well, why would God make the effort to save us? Because he made us, we are his, he loves us. Our relationship with God is simply that: relational.

God calls us to so many laws but He also knows that we will not be able to keep them all for all our lives, we know this just as well as He does. So, how can we reduce this God down to the do's and dont's of His book when so many times we are shown this relational Christ figure who bridges the gap from us to God. Jesus calls us to a relationship with Him and through that relationship, we are able to build these values that Jesus taught us in the Gospels. Maybe God wants our heart and if we truly can give him our heart, than our values will be set in place. We will desire to live this lifestyle that he has planned for us, because it is just that: a lifestyle. It isn't this twice a week religion. A relationship with Jesus Christ and God the Father is a lifestyle. He is a selfish God and wants our all, everything we are. In Collossians 3:17 it helps us with this thought: "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of Jesus Christ, giving thanks to the God the Father through Him." I read this the other night and I have of course heard it before but when I think of that verse it puts into perspective what God truly wants from me. He wants everything. He wants me to die to self, take up my cross. There are so many intricate things that are involved in a life in Christ that I haven't quite figured out yet, but I know that He wants my heart...and that is just the beginning.

Life, as I know it

For the first time in a while, I just don't know. That is all I have to say for myself. I am so lost in this world and the joy has been sucked from my life. I just can't do this life thing, I am not good at it. I want God, but I feel like I can't have him. I want some sign that tells me what to do, where to go, how to live. Today didn't help me with my faith...it just gets me more depressed and I struggle to be sincere with God, which isn't right.

I am again too stressed and tired to continue tonight. I wish I could get all my thoughts down, but there is no way.

Breathe Deep

I figured out tonight why I always stay up late, I think. It's simple, but somewhat abstract: it seems that when I am up late and everyone is asleep, everything else in my world goes to sleep. I deal with issues everyday yet around 10:30 every night I am relaxed. I am not sure why but I guess I my own mind psyches itself out to just hide away all the stress and pain.

The past couple days have been bad for me. Getting off track with God and I hate it, because it affects me. I feel like a rubberband sometimes. I can get on these highs where I am so close to God (stretched) yet eventually I am always hit by reality (snapping back). No matter how much I stretch, ultimately I am gonna snap back and I hate that. I shouldn't be like that, a relationship with God should be like, I don't know, something constant. I deal with things that work as that retracting of the rubberband and it really gets me down, depressing almost. I feel so exhausted, mentally usually. I don't know how I am writing tonight because I am worn out.

Maybe my lack of focus comes from not so much a lack of focus, but a misplaced focus. I dwell too much on the worldly and start to have a negative outlook when I should be set on the things of the spiritual realm which really matter and really keep me uplifted. I just finished a book and in one of the chapters its discussed how today's generation is having little connection with God inside the walls of the church, but instead are being affected by more moving experiences such as an indepth talk with a friend, or an experience in nature, or a weekend retreat, or a moving time of worship and I felt that I really related to that. I long for this extreme connection with God and mundane, surface level things...well, I don't even feel a connection there. I want this moving experience because that is how I think God works. I long for that core group that I can talk with on a regular basis. A place where God is present and visible by the events that happen in that time. A breathtaking encounter that God is in every breath of the moment.

I think of the Exodus, when the Israelites get to the Red Sea. I can't even imagine that event, probably the most amazing thing to ever happen in the history of the world, in my opinion. Also, Elijah on Mt. Carmel and God sending this engulfing fire to completely consume the altar and all the water on it. Just some that come to mind, instances all throughout the Old Testament of the power of God and how he uses it. The OT bores me a lot but there are so many stories that simply make me sit there, and to really think on them with my simple mind is awesome. It's what I love about God. I am not supposed to understand him or, recently in my life, his ways. He has this plan that, in this world, I am not supposed to be able to fully understand.

Another thought, God is always there. I said earlier that I don't feel connected to God sometimes, but that doesn't mean that He isn't there. He is constantly moving people's lives and working in subtle ways that ultimately will change others lives. He never leaves us and is constantly working. It is selfish of me to not appreciate that when I am merely in a bad mood and have this crazy idea that God isn't there.

I am getting tired and need to sleep. In closing and off topic, I ask whoever may read this to humbly pray constantly. Simply pray to God to form relationship and gain understanding. Not that we get what we want, but that we may benefit and further the plans that God has. That is something I struggle with and it helps me to put that down.

Stretch Armstrong

So it has been three long weeks since I have last been able to write and that is due to two things: I have been very busy and frankly, I just haven't been able to think on the level with God that I have recently. I attest the latter to the former, I suppose.

Anyway, tonight I am here. Listening to Castings Crowns...good band. I recommend them.

For a while, I read the Bible looking for verses that could help me right then and there. I wanted that verse that would solve all my problems in that moment. I was a selfish reader and that wasn't a good thing. Also, as I have blogged about before, I was very close minded in my reading. I didn't process what I was reading like I should have.

I think that this is a problem with my generation: reading is such a foreign thing and we don't really know how to read. At least that is what I have noticed. I am in a literature class and I am definitely finding out that I don't understand it, I miss the point of the story. I read these books thinking that the story is just boring and simply a story of events, while I miss the deeper meaning or symbolism of the book, which if I understood would help me appreciate the book. I came to the Bible like that. Just a collection of stories, of course I knew the deeper meaning, but not for myself. I had to start at square one and as I read I came to find that the Bible is really a simple book. The Old Testament makes me mad and the New Testament makes me all kinds of things.

The OT is ultimately a series of God's people turning away from him, God punishing them and teaching them a lesson, his people reconciling, then it starts over again. What gets me is that they had God among them, God spoke to them directly. He was always with them and was eminent in so many ways, yet they still repeated this cycle of ignorance and disobedience. But God always came through for them. God even worked with his people sometimes. Abraham was allowed to save his family. The people were granted a King, when God and the prophets told them that is wouldn't be a good thing, but God still allowed it. The OT really serves, in my eyes, as an introduction to who God and to teach us of his ways. Then there is Psalms and Proverbs and the rest of the praises/wisdom writings. Then the prophecies. Psalms is an amazing book to me. David shows so much emotion in his writings. I am a big believer in emotion in spirituality. But I will get back to that idea...

As for the New Testament...man. Where to start: joy, love, sacrifice, sorrow, confusion, amazement, relationship, salvation, redemption, devotion, belief, excitement. I could go on. The NT is just amazing to me. All these elements expressed in this book, but these aren't just like fictional, literary elements...they come off the pages and exist in my heart. If you have experience this than you know what I mean, and if you haven't then you may think I am just a crazy person, but I'm not.

*********

I see myself as one stuck in between modernity and post-modernity. I believe we should hold true to the Bible, yet feel that spirituality is mainly a relational thing and that we should be accepting of people. I also see modernity as a strict formula to spirituality, which I disagree with. Emotion is the center of a spiritual life in Christ. Like Stretch Armstrong, being pulled more and more to each view, yet the pull is even so I just stay in the center of the two, holding to different philosophies of each.

I thrive off emotional things. Anything that helps me connect to God, I like. Some music (Hillsong United, David Crowder Band, Casting Crowns), some things done in a worship setting (dim lights, silence, time to reflect, certain songs), some things with people (simply talking about belief, about love, about God, about life) just make me feel closer to God. I came to this belief because it what pulled me out of a life of mediocrity. I was so lukewarm because I didn't understand for myself what the Bible was telling me. I had always, like my literature, viewed it has stories with some meaning that the teacher would just tell me what the meant and move on. No longer, because I began to find out for myself what was in store for me. I began to see what it is that people had always taught me, yet developing my own yoke.

One sad thing that I think of when I talk about the lack of reading is the lack of culture in America. People are so dulled by the crap that this country spits out and as a teenager, speaking from experience, it is hard to appreciate things that are cultural. I think this has numbed the brains of a lot of people and people are taught to be "hard" and "tough" yet have no sense of vulnerability about them. Maybe this is because they once were vulnerable in a relationship and were hurt, therefore putting up this wall to any intimacy with others. The thing here is that God won't let us down, if we are intimate with God than we will understand who he is and have a better grasp on his ways. As a man, I see an even greater lack of love and gentleness in men. There is a way to be a strong man yet also be loving, to be tough yet be vulnerable in relationships. The men of this world struggle with idea and it has crippled the leadership in the movement of God. I see in my own Christian-based school the dry desert of love that exists in the halls.

I jump into things a lot, like ideas and in the past relationships without really examing things. My friends dad is the king of overanalyzing everything to a point of where something like going to buy groceries was like going into battle. So I used to think I should slow down and really consider things but not like that. I say all that to say that I try to find this massive event/movement that will just transform the world, when I know that I am not going to find it. Change is incremental and takes, unfortunately, patience. I lack patience, I really do. I work on it but I want to see things happen fast. I would suck at being a farmer. I get tunnel vision and ignore the process that it will take to get my desired result.

I think that if in some way, if Christian spirituality could be like reformed or something and go through this revolution, if it somehow could like just hit a bunch of people in the mouth and get them to realize what it has to offer, then we would have an amazing event on our hands. A reformation back to the Bible, wow. That would be amazing, but we already have this text and have explored it and dissected it, yet people still refuse it. So it is the believers job stand up and declare what it is that God has spoken to us. Unfortunately, it is politically correct to be a Christian so people go to church but then live freely. People see those folks and get this impression of "Christianity" that is completely false. They get 100% hypocrisy. It is a shame that Western Christianity has come to this.

So know I pray that God will bring people up, people that have been quiet yet have been given the strength of God to stand and speak. To stand for all they believe in and to truly live this life that would mirror Jesus. Not a life of someone who merely attends church and puts a smile on their face every Sunday, but a life lived that others would see the relationship that one has in Christ and will want to explore that, in turn finding the true life that we are called to.

Perhaps?

I am on my soapbox about this as I write and many of you who read this will just roll your eyes: I have no idea what is going to happen to me in regards to college. I really don't. I pray and pray that God will give me guidance and patience and wisdom as to my situation. I feel that all I can do is sit back and let God show me what he wants me to do. I really see that a lot, not only in other people but I find myself doing a lot of waiting on God. I have come to see that this is a selfish plan and it needs to change in my life. I sit around, praying, which is good, but there is so much more to making things happen in life.

In the book I am reading, the author focuses on Jonathan, Saul's son, throughout the book. He talks at one point of a story from 1 Samuel, in verse 6: "Let's go across to see those pagans," Jonathan said to his armor bearer. "Perhaps the Lord will help us, for nothing can hinder the Lord. He can win a battle whether he has many warriors or only a few!" Perhaps? Perhaps the Lord will help us? If I were his armor bearer, I am pretty sure I would tell him to go back to sleep and wait for the army tomorrow. I don't really see the good in two men taking on an army of six hundred, especially when your friend merely hopes the Lord will act. A leap of faith, to say the least. I find myself waiting for God, whereas Jonathan shows us that we need to act. Perhaps the Lord will show us what is right, but we must be willing to go.

Benjamin Franklin once said that "well done is better than well said." From this quote, we can take that actions speak louder than words. We can talk the talk, but can we walk the walk. So many ideas and thoughts that address this. Jesus shows us this when he washes his disciples feet. He has been teaching his followers all this time, yet he does this act of service that was considered the lowliest of acts. The Son of God washed a bunch of nobodys' feet? Jesus died on the cross for a bunch of sinners? These acts of service and sacrifice show us what it truly means to walk the walk. Jesus was as do-er. Jesus was, of course, in-tune with the Father and he knew what life meant, he knew how he was to live in accordance with God.

As I sit here right now, I pray that I can become a do-er, to see the chances God puts in front of me and to not let them pass by. Maybe God has given us many chances, yet we aren't looking for them. We are just waiting for them to fall in our laps. Maybe God wants us to seek them. "..Knock and the door shall be opened unto you.." This verse tells us that we have to take initiative and go, we must knock not wait. I have never thought of this verse that way, but it just came to me after I started writing this paragraph. There is so much depth to it that we miss while singing it in church over and over. God is calling us to rise up and do. God is calling us to take hold of the moments that he puts in front of us. Maybe God simply wants us to go and then, like with Jonathan, he will intervene on behalf of our faith that he truly will...

"Go! Walk where no man has walked, yet you find footprints."

The Epicenter

Epicenter

Do not stand in the center if you do not wish to be shaken.
There is always danger when the movement comes.
Its force is most powerful underneath the surface, then breaks through the hardest of ground.
Epic change moves from the inside out.
_Ayden, Perils of Ayden

Those few lines are quite amazing. To relate this passage to Christ Jesus and a faith in him is astounding. To be in the middle of Christ is definitely to be shaken. There is no way you can stand before the Lord, yet only bow down.

In the bubble that I call school, God is stirring hearts. His will is finding its way into the lives of people around me. I came back to school anew, ready to live for Him and I feared what would happen. I feared ridicule and prayed that God would strengthen me in the halls. God is amazing. I have come to find that so many people have a fire for God that is waiting to be released. It is if they have been 'hiding it under a bushel' yet are coming together to stand for Him. Hillsong United sings a song that has these words in them: "The time has come to stand for all we believe in and I for one am gonna give my praise to you, Jesus". This line is so awesome to me, the way it poses that the time is now. Not when you go to a retreat, not when you are in church. It is now.

There is always danger when the movement comes. A ha! A catch.. Such a glorious movement, yet never a safe one. The rewards are amazing and the struggle is to be honored, but what about the pain? What is to be said of the rejection and ridicule and persecution? What about being labeled as weak because you know how to love? Human nature tells me to quit, give in. They are right anyway, why am I doing this? James tells gives us a different view on this topic, in James 1:2-3: "Consider it pure joy my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance." and later in Chapter 1, verse 12: "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." This challenges human nature, which in turn challenges us, the humans. It is not in our blood to love and cherish ridicule. Not something I wake up excited about. But James calls us to look past the human aspect and calls us to a greater meaning. He says that this persecution is only to the betterment of our faith, then goes on to tell us of what awaits those who stay strong in their faith. God call us to a mighty movement, yet puts is right in the middle of it.

As I was saying earlier, my school is laying low and just waiting for the group of radicals to stand for all they believe in. I honestly feel that an uprising is brewing, it is waiting to erupt. People who need that catalyst and simply biding time for a person to stand and boldly say what they want to hear. Look at Peter and how his life unfolded. He wasn't good enough to be a rabbi, so he resorted back to the family business of fishing. Yet, this rabbi comes along and calls him to be a disciple. Throughout the gospel, we see Peter repeatedly mess up, even once being referred to as Satan himself by his rabbi. Then we skip over to Acts where we see Peter at Pentecost. THE leader of the first church. His passion was there, yet the human body held it back. His flesh served as the rock solid ground. Interesting to see how Cephas ("rock") evolves in the form of his name. He at first is hard in a human since but as time unfolds and he spends his years with the rabbi Jesus, we see Peter turn to a spiritual rock, a bedrock foundation for the First Century church. His passion, his zeal that has always been there finally breaks through the rocky surface that is his human nature. Jesus was his catalyst. Jesus is our catalyst, yet sometimes we need help.

We need some human example to really see what a solid faith is. I have seen many figures over the last month that pretty much blast me with a reality check, it spurs me on to explore my faith and the depth of it. It challenges me to work towards the goal that is a fearless faith.

Ah...the greatest line of the passage: Epic change happens from the inside out. Just as it was with Peter, it begins at the heart and it is a matter of overcoming the physical, the human that restrains the wildfire of a passionate faith in Christ. God shows us that the matters of the heart are far greater than anything in the physical. He shows us that the heart must be searched for that is where you find the power to change. In 1 Samuel 16 when God sends Samuel to the house of Jesse, Samuel is shown this by God. God sends him out to find the new King of Israel, to anoint the one who will replace Saul. He comes to Jesse's house and sees seven of his sons and they all have certain qualities that Samuel believes to be that of a King for Israel. God tells him in verse seven that "...the Lord looks at the heart." For God to then have Samuel pick David, the youngest and smallest of the family and only a shepherd boy, it must have been baffling. God sees the heart and knows what can happen. So many instances in the Bible when God uses the unlikely character to do his good deeds, he sees the heart. Abraham, Noah, Rahab, David, Peter, Paul and Jesus himself was not even a prominent physical figure. God shows us many times that it begins with the heart. Epic change moves from the inside out.

Taking a Look Back

I was standing there, looking out over the mountains and simply relishing at this amazing scenery. The view from the top was incredible, to be honest my words will never do it justice. I reflect back on my trip on Trek, it helps that it is glued in my mind and heart. I remember thinking the view was so cool, but then our focus shifted the where our high camp was. We were all looking far down through the valley to where we had hiked from that day. It was a very long way. I just think on how the reward is so amazing, yet what a battle to earn it. Loose rocks, steep grades, winding switchbacks, and plenty of tired people made for a struggle to the top of this skyscraping mountain. Yet I think of it and I smile, I smile at the wonderful adventure and how the entire time I knew what I was hiking for.

Our reward is great, but what about the journey? God calls us to live a life for him. Yes, the reward is great but I love to live my life. What a chance we have to do so many things, to suffer, to teach, to love, to learn, to simply live. All to the glory of Jesus Christ. I am convicted that Jesus should be a part of my every moment, every thing that happens. More radical maybe, but I feel so strongly about being able to discuss God and His Son in my everyday life. Unfortunately, that is uncomfortable to others and I may endure ridicule. Ridicule is merely loose rock, to which I prevail on my journey. He calls us to come follow him and the life of a disciple is a demanding one, we must lose our life so that we may save it. What an amazing paradox, by losing my life...I have found it. It's so true, this statement.

I sit here tonight, fully wrapped up in what God is all about. I want to learn more and more about who He is and what He has in store for me. I think he has amazing plans for everyone, it is just a matter of surrendering to his will and letting him fully consume you. I never will be able to explain to you the joy I feel in Christ Jesus. I simply cannot express to you in words the love that He has shown me. I pray that God will use me to share this, to go out into the world and preaching the good news. It is my prayer that people begin to relish in the journey, for the time is now. The adventure is ready and waiting for a passionate person to fully engulf themselves in it and start the life that they have been called to this very day. The journey is where the glory of the goal is found. To truly understand this glory, you must first experience the adventure.

Come to the Table

I was at a retreat in Memphis this weekend and I will say that it was alright. Two things that really made it special though:

First, Mike Lewis (Jesus Painter) was there and the way that he connects with his art is an amazing thing. To just sing and watch a picture be created is so cool. He actually did two paintings, but the second one really hit me. It was so simple and you may not understand it unless you have witnessed him paint before. He started off the latter of his painting by simply writing "all my sins" at the top of the canvas. As he proceeded to paint, he left that there for a while. Near the end, he finally painted over it with the finishing touches to a picture a black-haired man, with a tear coming from his eye and blood splattered on his face. The way he used his art to show that message was so amazingly powerful, I can't really do it justice from writing about it.

Secondly, we took a communion late on Sunday night and to start the night off, a video was shown and it illustrated the sequence of events that happened to this boy when he was young involving the dinner table. I didn't think much of this video until I was sitting up at the table looking down into my little cup of juice. "I am not worthy of this man. How is it that I can be here when in no way do I deserve this love? I am a sinner. I hurt people. I lie. I am a SINNER." I sat there and as I began to cry, I remember that video. The line that lifted my head to look back at my cup was when the boy asked to be excused and he was. He was excused from the....I am excused! This cup that I don't even feel worthy to drink is for exactly that reason. I am not worthy, yet because of the 1 ounce symbol that sat in front of me, I am EXCUSED. I have been set free, God has poured out love and grace all over my body.

As I set there, I thanked God. I thanked Him for who he was, is and will forever be in my life. I pray constantly for God to guide me and that Sunday night in Cordova, God said told me that as always been there for me but I simply must follow. Praise God for the emotional experience, the intimacy that I had with God on that night, for because of that I know without a doubt that Jesus Christ loves me and that he died on the cross for me. He sacrificed his life so that I may have life. This seemingly unthinkable deed has given me hope. Hope that one day, I will be surrounded by His glory.

God broke my heart that night and I will forever remember that table, the spot I sat at, pouring the juice into my cup, crying for no apparent reason yet only to have God show me what life is. I thank God that I have been excused.

Doctor, doctor

I think I say this a lot, but I really cannot get my thoughts under control. They are all over the place and I would love to be able to write more but is rare that I have time to sit and think. I love just being able to relax and read a book and think on it, but that hasn't been happening much lately. There are a couple things that I have been thinking on.

The Bible was written for people during the first century; an entirely different culture than ours. I think a lot of times we take Bible verses out of context to apply them to our lives. I think that we pick and choose customs and beliefs from the Bible. One such example that doesn't seem to want to leave my mind is the concept of fasting. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert alone with God, while fasting. Now, I am sure a lot of people in America fast but it has always been a foreign thing to me. As I read that, I think more and more about it and what it means to fast. I kind of developed my thoughts on fasting and they are as follows:

1) Fasting is first and foremost an effort to place all focus on God
2) Along with number one, it tests you and challenges you physically
3) Both of those combined, it is about spiritual self-discipline.
4) I think fasting should be a regular occurrence in one's life and should be planned out and followed strictly, again coming back to spiritual self-discipline as well as overcoming the physical.

I have never done it really and I think that a discipline like that can truly help faith grow. I pray that I can have the strength to do it, because hunger is definitely a powerful thing in the physical realm...

Secondly, I tend to agree with most thoughts from the spiritual books that I read but the one I am on now is really getting at me. One thing it talks about is how to reach out to others and evangelize, that you must be able to offend them. Be able to show them that they are in the wrong and God is the only way. They also use the argument that Jesus offended people and last time I checked Jesus offended a group of people for being self-righteous hypocrites. The Pharisees are the only people he offended and with good reason. The two authors of this book talk of offending those without God in their lives. Why does our society associate the word "Christian" with a negative connotation.? Maybe it is because of people who think that is how evangelism is done. I am sorry but I strongly disagree with that method of thought. If Jesus were here today, I believe he would be in the bars with the lost people and he would be lashing out at self-proclaimed "Christians" sitting in church on Sunday.

I strongly feel that those without Christ should be reached with compassion and love and even more: understanding. People without Christ need to be able to sit and talk, and not feel embarrassed about their sin or lack of faith, but simply be able to talk about it to someone who can understand them and love them, not judge or condemn. I hope to one day be able to reach out to those who want God in their lives and maybe even to those who desperately need him.

I guess I can finish this essay with this, it seems right to me:

11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"
12 On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:11-13

All my distress is going, going gone...pressing on, pressing on.

For as far back as I can remember, I have heard certain scriptures over and over and over. They are pummeled into my brain because they are key verses that we should always remember. I can agree with that but one thing I have noticed by reading the Bible in length is that I need to take things into consideration in regards to these verses. Do you ever question why that was written and what was the situation the people who received this message were in?

One verse that comes to mind is a simple one: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Now before I continue, I must preface by saying I have been under a lot of stress mainly because of the start of school. It has been an entire week for me to even log into this blog and that is uncommon. So, I say that to let you know how tired and stressed I am these days. Back to my point, that verse has been taught to me ever since I was little and was always used as an analogy in sports (which I hate, not everything in life can be paralleled by sports. I'll save that for another time...). This verse has simply been an encouragement, yet tonight as I was reading through Philippians it hit me with so much more. It is the verses that come before this one. After reading these verses, I gained an entirely new perspective on Phil. 4:13. In the previous verses, Paul says this, starting in the second part of verse 11: "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to have be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Then we come to verse 13, again: "I can go all things through Christ who gives me strength." And one more point to make that really gives this verse its validity, to show that Paul isn't just saying this to say it: He is in prison.

He is speaking from a jail cell, where he has nothing. Alas, he has found contentment how? Because he knows he can do all things through Christ. Honestly, this past week I have felt like jello. Inside and out. I have been beaten physically and in turn, I have been too tired to spend time with God. Yet here is a man who has been literally beaten and thrown in jail and not for the first time, yet he still recognizes God. And all this has happened because of God. And does he back down and subdue his teachings and writings? NO! He has found hope in God. He is positive that God will deliver him.

One thing that I struggle with is fully depending on God. Paul, here in prison, amazes me. He has been doing the will of this God, yet in turn he is punished. He endures suffering for the one who has allowed him to be beaten. But Paul was always so joyful. He had risen completely above things of this world and had found this serenity in God. If only I could develop a faith to where I am numb to the world. So many instances in the text where Paul simply shrugs off the bad things of the world that happen to him. He knows that they are not of God. God allows them to happen, but in no way are they of God and because of this he has no worry. The things of God are good and it is on these things that he dwells, completely. Staying in Philippians, going to chapter 3, verse 8: "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ..." Wow. Paul is so in tune with that is that Christ came to show us. Things of this world, bad and good DO NOT MATTER. They can be beneficial, but they themselves are of no value to us. Paul tries to tell us this, yet sometimes we fail to realize the place or position he speaks from. He is basically living a life of ridicule and persecution, yet remains strong in his faith. I have a test in a few days and I simply buckle... I truly thank God for Paul, who has emerged as my favorite figure in the Bible, apart from Christ himself. The way God uses him to speak to these people of these cities...how amazing to have someone ministering to you like that. I guess I am just caught up in this book, but the fact that Paul was in prison and the way that he writes simply brings me to me knees. How can I have that faith? What steps can I take to want to live that life of worship to Him? It's simple, really. Press on. Press on toward the goal by way of faith in Christ.

I guess it would be fitting to close with more of Paul's words in Philippians, from chapter 3, verse 12: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

Stirred, not shaken

A friend of mine recently told me that she thought that God "constantly stirs my heart" and that really meant a lot to me. But when I got that message, I began to wonder what that really meant. What occurs in me when God "stirs my heart". For some reason, I thought of the pool of Bethesda from the time of Jesus. The story where Jesus heals the paralytic by the pool. Back to my thinking though, I thought on what the pool was and the idea of its healing powers that it was thought to have had. It was said that God stirred the pool and the first to get in the pool as it was stirred, would receive healing. That's it... I think that for God to stir my heart is to bring healing on my soul. And yes, when I think about it, that is what he does. He gives me a peace of mind and heart that relaxes me. He takes me away from the troubles of my world and draws me into him. God is so awesome in that he can simply let me draw my mind away from what is not of him and let me focus on him. I wish that I could always be in this state, but for me it takes time to really open up to God and allow him to do that. I worry, as I started back to school today, that I will be able to find time in this hectic last year of high school that God will not only speak to me and give me peace, but that he will use me. He will use me as a tool to show others the way God can stir the heart and give you peace.

One thing about this peace that is amazing to me is the amount of joy that comes with it. It is almost paradoxical to say that I am at peace yet am bursting with joy, but that is exactly what I feel. I pray that I can continue to be in this state, a state of oneness with God and that I allow him to speak to me this year and give me vision into what he wants out of me.

God is awesome. Hopefully, I can know this every second of my life. I tend to forget, but how? He gave so much for us and I pray that as I continue to mature in my relationship with him, I will find out what it is that he wants of me.

PS - I am getting better in regards to my writing/typing skills, cause spell check says I had no errors. :-)

Turning it over...In my stomach and my life.

What is that holds us back from accepting God in our lives? For so many years, I straddled the fence on my spirituality. I went to church but I never really felt God in my life. I knew the stories and facts, I went on Sundays, I went on Wednesdays. Shoot, I even had chapel and a Bible class every day at school. But something wasn't clicking. I was missing something. Or was I? I wasn't missing anything..I had it all along, it was just a matter of me finding it. What I am talking about is my choice to humble myself before God and to realize, "I can't do it alone. I need someone in my life to keep my going." In essence, my choice to give up. And it took my so long to realize that I simply must give it all to God. Such a simple concept but I couldn't seem to wrap my head around it. Or rather wrap my heart around it.

We hold back from this because it is a matter of vulnerability. Now, I feel strongly the the ability to make yourself vulnerable before God and before others is the absolute key to growing in relationships. But so many times in life, a person achieves this state and is turned away. To have been rejected after opening your heart to someone is a crushing blow to a persons mind, heart, and so on. It demoralizes them to the point of fear of relationships altogether. Why then do we shy away from one with God? Do we think that he too will reject us?

I was at Six Flags this past weekend and after I rode a certain ride, I kind of thought on how it applied to my life. The ride was simple. It took you straight up at a really slow speed, held you at the top for a few seconds, then randomly dropped you into a free-fall to about 20 feet above the ground where you slowed. Paralleling these thoughts, the ride to the top is like my life. It is going along pretty easy, no big scares or surprises. But then I come to a moment of uncertainty. I am sitting at the top of a huge tower and I am horrified (And I love roller coasters with a passion, but this anxiety was overwhelming). In the same way, in my life I have decision to make at this point. I fear giving it to God, because what if I am not good enough, what if he doesn't understand me? I sit here with so much emotion going through me and that is when God taps my heart and it pours open. Secrets, hopes, lies, truths, friends, enemies, hate, love. He takes it all away from me. That's when I let go. My anxiety stays at the top of that tower, and it stays there in my life too. I drop from the top of that ride with so much fear in what I know will happen, but no idea how awesome it will be. In the same light, I give it all to God thinking it will help me but when I do, the ride is a rush. More than I could even imagine. A rush of adrenaline that is God's love. It controls me and I can't help but scream and smile. When I get off, I hold onto that feeling. It isn't just a high, not just a rush, but a challenge. God says to me, "This is what life with me is like." I don't feel like this was just a quick jolt, it isn't just a spark...Its a raging fire. It consumes me and I burn long after the initial light. I take it with me and love it. I want to live for that rush. What an awesome high to live on...The pure adrenaline of Christ in my life.

These words are not enough

This will be short because it is early and I just felt like writing some thoughts...

How awesome is God? I have to say that lately I have been so wrapped up in the mere thought of Him. I have this excitement that I can't hardly explain. He is all I want, all I need. It is truly God's joy inside of me and hopefully working through me. I spent time with some close friends this past weekend and we stayed up pretty late talking about our views on God and about our own relationships with him and with others through Him. That is what God wants from us. He puts others in our lives to keep us going, to bring joy in our lives and uplift us. We have been given so much and I can't help but ask why would I not want to live a life in return to my God? I feel that I grow everyday and that I truly search the Bible for the vision that God has for me. He has plans for all of us, cliche I know, but it is so true. In the past couple of weeks, I feel him growing in me and its something that I don't want to stop. I feel blessed and loved by God. He opens my eyes in the situations where I am lost and simply says, "Why worry? You have me and, you know, that is all you need. I will be here for you and no matter what else happens, that will be enough if you allow me to live in you." It has kind of been a small reformation in my heart this summer, but now I return to school. A good place, but what of its love for God? He has opened a massive door of opportunity for me to simply love others and show them that God is good. He is amazing. He is all that I need.

He is calling me on the adventure that I wrote about a few weeks back. It is a call to live for him. It's so simple, yet so complex. All he wants from me is for me to love. To love others, to love him. But he gives us something that without we would be lost. He gives us hope, hope in his son that we may live a life for him on this earth. I feel that he has put a challenge in front of me. He is telling me to reach out to those in need of him, but the beauty of doing this is that I will grow and find myself while fellowshipping with others. God has made this life a beautiful thing that we can find friendship and love to rejoice in him. The coolest thing of all this is not that I chose him. It isn't that I have found God and liked what he had to offer. The greatest thing of all this is that he FIRST loved me. He chose me, in all my imperfections...He still chose me, he still loved me. Thank God for his glory and may we all remember him every second of our life and rejoice in the future I may have with you, even if I do not know you, because Christ died for me and you so that we may one day join him with his Dad up in heaven and forever live in joy, peace and love. But as it is said: the greatest of these is love. Love. He allows us to love and forever live in it with him.

What Tyler did

A friend of mine once told me a story about a bully back in his home town. One of the most disturbing stories I have ever heard. My friend, let's call him Pete, had a dog. This bully, whom we will call Tyler, for some reason didnt like Pete or his dog. Now, Pete loved his dog and Tyler knew this. So one day, Tyler went to Pete's house and took Pete's dog and tied him to the back of his truck. The dog barking and whimpering as Pete ran out of his house to see the truck take off down the road...

From John 19: 1Then Pilate took Jesus and had him flogged. 2The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head. They clothed him in a purple robe 3 and went up to him again and again, saying, "Hail, king of the Jews!" And they struck him in the face. So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. 17Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in Aramaic is called Golgotha). 18Here they crucified him, and with him two others—one on each side and Jesus in the middle.

Now my first story was not true in any aspect. But which one wrenched your heart more? I will be honest, when I heard the two back-to-back..the first one cut to me deeper. Now maybe not for all of you, but if it did...why are we like this? How is it that a story of a dog can break our hearts more then the very words of our Savior being killed for doing absolutely nothing? Why is my heart calloused to the story of Jesus? We have heard it over and over. Why then does it lack its value. Why does my heart not pound through my chest when I read these words? Many times when I watch the news and see that someone has died, I simply feel for the family and move on. But, this past February when a close friend of mine died, I didn't even understand what was going on. I was so out of it and emotional, that I couldn't control my own mind, body, or heart. What is the difference? I had a much much closer relationship with the latter than the person on the news. The loss of my friend was a much bigger hole in my heart.

And so here I sit. I long to feel the hurt of his death. I long to have the relationship with Jesus that when I read his story, I am overcome by the emotion inside that I feel for God's son. I want my heart to be broken so that he can fill it with his love and passion and emotion. But how? I feel I grow closer to God everyday of my life now. I take the steps that build relationship. One thing that really hit me in regards to Jesus was the movie "The Passion of the Christ". If you have seen it, then you understand the emotion in that movie. It completely cuts through your heart to see in such detail the pain that Jesus went through for me, for you. What a shame that we take that for granted. The greatest act of love ever shown for every man and woman and child...yet we take it for granted. I guess I just have been thinking about being geniuine lately. I long to feel a genuine desire to know God. I feel bad because these thoughts werent really organized and worse than usual but I felt like writing tonight. Not very good to write when I am in this state and I reconsidered putting it up. I am sure I will take it off soon...but for now, here it is.

Muslims have it down...

I'll start off with a quote from a song by DC Talk: The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

This quote is kind of crazy to think about, almost paradoxical. How is is that Christians, in serving others and doing things to the glory of God, push people away from religion entirely? What if you were to examine the lives of 10 of your friends that claim to be Christians...what would the results be like? Don't get me wrong, I am not condemning people or judging but think of those that claim to follow God, yet show no reflection of him in their life. How are people supposed to come to know the good and true God when they see "his followers" living the lives they do. Maybe we should reconsider our lives. Let's go with the title of the blog somewhat. If you were in front of a camera 24 hours a day, as if for some reality TV show, what would the viewers think of you? How would the episode from Sunday morning compare to the episode of Friday night? Any contradictions found in your life?

Why is that? Why do people claim Jesus, then in no way live a life for him? In this society, to claim Jesus is expected, but to live like him is not. Maybe that is it, that is the problem. People conform to what the world says. That may be cliche, but don't tell me it isn't true. What happened to living for your convictions, no fear of persecution for your beliefs? The new testament is full of it, yet we can't seem to follow those thoughts. If I say that, then why cant I ask why Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden? This is the wonderful fault in being human...We have a choice. Wonderful in that we are not robots, we are not puppets, but can think and live on our own. But a fault because there is wrong in the world, much more than there is right. Wide is the path to destruction, narrow is the road that leads to heaven. Such a true statement in regards to our world. God gave us the choice to do what we please, so why then would we live this life that he has given us in total disrespect to him? How can we find ourselves completely ignoring this book that he has provided us with, to teach us, guide us in our lives? A choice...Many choices, every single one changing the course of our life, either for the good or the bad.

The religions of the middle east are intriguing to me. Not because of their radical thinking, or the god they worship, really I don't agree with the religion. I guess I should say I respect the following of the religion. They live a life in service to their god. Everything they do is to honor the one who they believe gives them life. Of course I don't, as I said, agree with their beliefs, but the devotion they show is commendable. They would easily martyr themselves for their god because they will be rewarded. What reward do we get in standing up for beliefs? Ridicule? Someone making fun? And we stay away from being our own person for that?? Where would we stand if our life were on the line? God gave us life, he gave us the choice to live how we may, but it all points back to him and his love for us. Why cant we simply live a life of love for him? I guess that is what I find...Unbelievable.

Reading in a new light

I am writing this entry in my journal while camping at the lake. I am sitting here and a storm is moving in from over the trees across the lake and the heat lightning is picking up. I have always loved heat lightning because it is such an awesome sight to see it fill the sky with silent light. But where there is heat lightning, soon there will be a storm. A storm came, and it came hard. I was with a group from church and I went to the tent where I would be staying. It was a small, cheap tent so I was a little concerned about how it would take the pounding rain and heavy winds. The place we were camped didn't allow us to put the pins in, so the wind was rocking the edge of my tent and I had to settle it with my hand. Next, the rain started getting in the tent because the rain fly was slipping off the back. And to top it all off, the lightning was striking in our camp. Now, if you know me, you know that I do not like lightning in the same general area as I am. I am selfish about my space when it comes to lightning, you could say. So I am sitting in my tent, worried about the lightning and after about 10 minutes of this, a strange peace came over me. If you have seen the movie 'Batman Begins', I want to refer to the part where Bruce returns to his parents home and repels down into the old well in which the bats live. In this scene, he goes to confront the bats and the same thing happens to him as it did when he was young: The bats flew out and scared him, and he fell down. But this time, he didn't stay down. He stood up and the bats flew around him, not touching him. That is how I felt last night in the tent. Although just about anything could penetrate that tent, I felt as though I was untouchable. Strange are the ways God works sometimes, and yes I do think it was God that brought that peace over me. He is constantly taking care of us and showing us we have nothing to fear.

Now, as I said earlier, I wrote in my actual journal while camping since I was without a computer. I say that to tell you about my journal. It has a Bible verse on each page and I found it ironic, coincidental, whatever you want to call it, that the verse was what it was. It was from Proverbs 19:21:

Manys are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that
prevails.

I find this ironic because it is just the verse I need to listen to at this point in my life. I need to give my plans to God. So many times I hear about people just opening their Bible to a verse that changes their life and I always wish that something like that would happen to me, to kind of be a sign to me. Now, I decided that was selfish and that it doesn't really show faith on my part. But, this verse being in my journal is the closest experience I have that could be called one the events I explained above. It spoke to me, and maybe just because it is so relevant at this point in my life. I am sure that I have read a verse hundreds of times and continued reading, but at some point I will look at it in a new light and it will have a new meaning to me because of my changing life. That is what this was last night, because it is what I needed. I have so much on my mind and that stress really took its toll on me on Monday. I kinda just broke down and got mad at God because things weren't going my way, but then I was blessed with a wonderful week and then had this verse put in front of me. I think it was God's way of telling me "You know, I am always going to be here. But its life, you cant depend on yourself to make it through. Stick with me, we can do it together." Then I think, where would I be without God? What chance in this world would I have? And yet, we still take him for granted but take a moment to think on just one word and what role it plays in your life: GRACE. A beautiful thing God made for everyone, for me, for you. No matter how far away we get from God, how angry we become with him...he is always there to take us back.

Pick just one word

I get so angry at myself sometimes, because I don't write down things when I think of them. So many times ideas and thoughts come to me, but I am a very absent minded person. In one ear, out the other... Hopefully they will come to me again, because when I thought of them I really got excited about sharing them, but now I can't remember most of them. One thing I did recall from my last few days out of town is thinking about death and some things along with it. I was in a class and the question was asked: If you could have only one word on your grave, what would it be? That really made me think. What one word could define an entire life? How could I sum up all that I have been through in a matter of a few letters? I started thinking hard about that as people in the circle answered the question and as the line grew shorter as it neared my seat. The girl right before me, Rachel, answered the question quickly with the word 'faith'. I thought that to be interesting. I decided on the word 'loved'. In my mind, it seemed that the word loved would sum up a good life lived. Then my brain really started going. (This is a benefit of my ADD that I am positive I have. I think of something which leads to the next thing, which gets my thinking about another idea and so on and so on. Ultimately, I bounce around on a lot of ideas). But, as I said, my head started turning and I thought on the idea of why people get so upset when one dies. Of course, because you will never seem them again in a physical sense and it is our nature to be distraught over death. But what I was thinking about is why do deaths impact so many lives? The thought that came to me sounded a little weird, but maybe you can work with me. Death reflects life. The amount of sorrow that comes in the event of someone's death, in my opinion, is because of the life they led. What an awesome privilege we have to live and to impact others, to make friends, to love. To lose one who did these things to the fullest is going to be extremely hard. But, the challenge is to let these people live on. The laughs they gave us, the tears they shed, the life they lived...Why let it die when it meant so much. A girl at my school died this past year and the night it happened was one of the most heartwrenching experiences in my life. People at the church crying hysterically and I was one of them soon after. How could God let this happen to someone like her? She impacted so many in her life, but what of her death? In the months after she died, people changed. People changed for her. Everyone was touched by the life she led and they didn't want her to go, so they made the decision to let her live through them. They would do the things she did, they would love and laugh like she did. They would carry on the beauty of life that she was. And, yes, death is a horrible thing. But what an awesome thought to know that not only is she in a better place, but because of her...A few more will be joining her.

Google and Arrows

Lately, I have felt like I am on some sort of an adventure, searching for something. I don't know what that something is, but I know that I need to find it. Now, I know this is spiritual, but in what aspect. Something about God that I am looking for. Not so much a needle in a haystack, but a definitely not a toddler Easter egg hunt. Something of God's nature is calling out to me and I cant figure it out. Ill be honest, this entry is mainly for me as I type right now, but maybe my thoughts will unfold into something useful to you. Back to my point, in the world today if I were looking for something than I would probably be told to 'google it'. It is so easy to find easy things in this society, but what about the hard things. I'll have to search within me. This, my friends, is not something to be found on the internet. It would be easy if I could type in God and Brett in the little white bar and find what I need from the blue text it would give me. That won't happen. I am looking for something deep, something ill find on my own. I am not saying that im completely self-dependent and can figure it out all on my own, but this one is calling me and me alone. God wants me to come after him, a chase I suppose. But what is at the end? Not so much a chase to catch God, because we can never just catch God and understand all things. I chase to where he will lead me, is what this is. Hopefully, I can find what God intends for me at this point in my life. Right now, I have things on my heart that need to be settled, things in my life that need to be tamed, issues that hold me back from the adventure God has planned for me. In speculation, maybe this adventure is the rest of my life. I have built a foundation with God, a genuine relationship and now he challenges me to face the arrows of life as they come, but as the Bible says in Hebrews 12: "...throw off everything that hinders us and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." Maybe that verse is the verse that speaks to me at this point in my life. As I write this, I am questioning myself...I think things are kind of unfolding here in this room full of bouncy balls that I call my brain. Now that I have committed, I may start to face trials due to my commitment and God is challenging me to keep up...just keep up.

Passion

I think that there is one main difference between the typical Christian who just goes to church and "punches his/her card" and between the Christian who geniunly strives to know God. Of course there are many, but lately I think this is a huge issue that splits the two groups. It is a matter of vulnerability. Those who can make themselves vulnerable to other believers are able to grow with each other, and in doing that, they grow closer to God. In this society, so many people are afraid to make themselves vulnerable, to put themselves out there, to say what they honestly think or believe. In essence, afraid of rejection. I think that one of the best ways to grow in your faith is to open you heart to someone. Now, I dont mean while walking down the street, because then I think that you will experience the rejection that so many fear. Find a friend that will listen and want to understand you. In my most honest opinion, that is the key to growth. It will truly break your heart and through talking with someone close to you, hopefully you will find an avenue to a deeper relationship with God. Again, I ramble a lot but hopefully you can pull it all together as you read. But I think that a lack of openness from people hinders them from experience the greatness of God, because how are they expected to know him if they do not give him all of their mind AND heart?

Secondly (on a different note), as a teen who has grown up in the church, I have been to many retreats, camps, etc. and I have found that so many times at these events, the speakers blister the crowd with a lesson of morals. Dont get me wrong morals are key, of course. When I was around the age of 15, I really felt burnt out by the church and I feel that because in camps, classes and any other spiritual event, all they did was condemn such things. I think that teens need to hear thoughts on passion and love and relationship. While im at it, people of all ages need to come to terms with that. So many times we worry about overstepping the boundaries that the church sets for us and we find no time for growth with God. Lately, I have found that growth is a key part in a true relationship with God. I can be a good person and not love God, there are people like that. So what good does it do to hammer in a message of behave and dont do this, dont do that to people when even if they heed this message, they still are at odds with God because they dont know him. One word that has been stuck in my head this summer is passion. I want to have a passion for God. A fire, a burning to know him. With that, I think everything else will fall into line. To find a loving relationship with God is at the top of an imaginary list of importance in ones spiritual walk. If achieved, I think all other issues in your faith in God will become more clear and more present in your life.

Imagery

What would we do without imagery. Not just the literary term, used in writing but what about mountains, stars, valleys, forrests. We take it for granted alot. What about walking along the beach? Its so awesome to experience these places. I have found a new love for outdoors after my experience at Trek. The icy rivers freezing my hands when I fill up my nalgene at sunset...such an awesome total experience. Two deer running through camp during our devo..we take things such as this for granted so much. Take advantage of these things...because what would we do without them? Imagine how empty the world could be, then look outside and see how full that God has made it..

Fork in the Road

So this is my first attempt at writing, then again its not really for you. It's for me, but you have the luxury, maybe, to read it. I guess the first thing I should say is in regards to the name of the blog here. Lights...Camera...Live. Now this is live as in living, not live as in SNL. I feel a lot that the world is a stage and we are just puppets. But, we have the chance to break free. I believe there comes a time in everyones life when you hit the 'fork in the road'. For me, I have been stuck at it, off and on, for a while. Regarding college choice..my life seemed for the longest time to be heading in a straight shot for one place, but late last night I found myself. I have developed a longing to get away, to leave. I want to go somewhere new, meet new people, become a new person. Its so easy to go where you are 'supposed' to go, cause you know people and you get dropped right in. I dont want that. I want a chance to be my own person, I always have been and to get away is key.

I went on a Wilderness Trek recently with my church and on the glorious Mt. Antero in Colorado, I think I found myself. I have been wrapped up in the author Donald Miller lately. His books really make me think about life, God, and everything that goes with it. I never read much, but lately I cant put books down. They are opening my eyes and I think God is using them to talk to me. To open my eyes about my life and where I am going, what I am doing. Hopefully, it will all be revealed to me what to do. But, this week in the mountains was a kick start to my matured faith, I think. So many times I will come home from a retreat or a camp and feel so charged and on fire for God, but soon after getting home I fall right back into my old life. Not this time, I vowed before I set foot on that mountain, even aloud to my group, that this was going to impact me. I knew God was going to use that week and he did, no doubt in my mind. It didnt charge me and fire me up, it set me on fire. I know this is a lot of rambling and all over the place, off the walls kind of writing but I my heart and mind are all over the place as I write this. I will attempt to tune my writing skills for the enjoyment of the reader, but for now...enjoy this. Its what is happening with me today. Ill try to share more thoughts about things in general, but I felt I needed to write this somewhere. In conclusion, I feel close to God yet still am lost. I believe patience is the key and God will reveal what he has planned...but ill try to keep writing.