Reflections on the Mount

I have really come to realize lately that God is faithful. Of course he always has been, but there are definitely times, such as now, for me when I just feel distant. You could say I was in a rut. I am constantly looking ahead and not concerned with the here and now and considering my situation I really should be focused on that. I leave for college in 3 weeks. There is no time to be looking ahead because it will be here too soon for me to skip over these last weeks.

I was reading Matthew 6 the other day, skimming through the Sermon on the Mount and I ran across the verses about worrying. The verse at the end of that section really just smacked me in the head when I read it because it is very much what I needed. “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.” I feel as if God used that to slow me down because who am I to say what I will do next week when I have a week of time to live in between then, granted God gives it to me. In addition to that, the rest of Matthew 6 really complements itself. Jesus did a fine job of putting simple thoughts together and making them really blend and mesh as a great thought. It is fundamentals of faith that He breaks down: fasting, praying, and giving. Three items that are crucial, in my opinion, to the development of faith and they all help you in very different ways. I have never been much of a faster but I have attempted fasts from certain things that I feel bog me down and it has really shown to be affective. I find myself putting time into other important things that would have been neglected to my obsession with that which I am fasting from. Jesus tells us that our fasting should be down in silence and not to parade it around, along with praying and giving. It is to be between you and God and no one else. I don’t necessarily think that it is void if you tell people, but it cant be that gloating that Jesus talks about. The point is to advance the relationship between God and yourself and I believe that can still happen if people are aware of what you are doing.

I struggle to pray constantly, it is something that I know is powerful because I have experienced times in my life where prayer was very much a part of it. It was like a cleansing act that just lifted my spirits and gave me a new kind of energy. Lately, I cant say that I have been in that role. I find laziness catching up to me and pulling me down when really I have no good reason to not simply spend 3 or 4 minutes here or there just stopping. It is convicting in the three topics that Jesus addresses that he always leads of with “When you…” It is never if you, or when you have time to, or if it is convenient. Simply, when you do, telling me at least that I should be but then he goes on to regulate that it is not in vain that we do these acts of faith.

Giving is a touchy subject in my mind because I am selfish. I have a good job and make a nice amount of money for a summer job but with that comes more expectations from God to give and I have found that hard. My most recent attempt is to support a cause financially and regularly. I have struggled, as I knew I would because I am just stingy and lately have not handled my money well but it is sad because giving with that open heart really impacts a person, I think. I know that on the scarce, random times that I find it in me to give, I have this good feeling, not that I am proud but that I am doing what I should be. God calls us to give and He said to do it with a cheerful heart, so on those occasions I like to live in them because God has blessed me with it. If people could find the joy to sincerely give, then this world would be a much better place. Period.

I have come to a nice realization this summer. I am a straight sinner. I sin and I always will and it is that simple. I am a unhealthily competitive person and that has a bad affect on me spiritually. For example, when I would practice basketball, shooting hundreds of shots in a session, I would hit so many in a row then miss one and freak out. That definitely transfers over to the spiritual because I beat myself up so much about each little mistake. I get competitive but a lot of times I shut down in those instances and it kills me. I kinda give up because I feel like I will never bounce back from any mistake because that is how my mind works, so my accepting grace and forgiveness from anyone is usually a struggle. I struggle with that struggle and it is a vicious cycle. If ever my earthly mind had trouble with a concept that was so free and eminent, than that is it. I think that my distant mindset is a major factor with that, the guilt sets in and I really don't feel worthy when really I am more worthy than ever in those times.

I am thankful that I don't understand God. The wonder that is God simply reassures that I don't need to understand, yet I am taken care of.