Anticipating the Peace

It's incredible how I can get excited about going camping sometimes or how motivated I can get when just looking at equipment. I was looking at some new cookware at Walmart tonight and just starting turning the gears in my mind about a post-New Year trip that I want to take, my first solo. It will be at least a week and a half before I can get out of this web of laziness and do some hiking. I have been home for the break and I have been productive around the house and spending time with my family but I can just see myself lingering on the plans of getting out into the cold weather worthy of hiking and camping in this fine state. The hills of the Ozarks or the flats of the Ouachita are simply glorious and I cannot wait. I think I anticipate this solo more because it is just that. I have never legitimately gone off alone in the woods and spent time on my own, doing everything on my own. I want to be alone and not "not do anything" but to actually "do nothing." Some friends and I spent time talking about the two and I look forward to my trip all the more.

After my first semester at school, I have learned that I need to focus and this retreat could not come at a better time. A refreshment to begin the New Year sits perfectly with my plans. I plan to go to Haiti and do much better in school and I fear that the complacency of being home will hinder those things. I want to be in the best position that I can be in when I fly into Hispaniola, preparing to be shocked by what I find and do my very small yet effective part to move the wheels of faith in that country. I want to learn this semester, not simply get through class. I found that I could have benefited so much from classes last semester had I put stock in them rather than getting by. I anticipate the clearing of the mind, the reflection on this year and the preperation for the next. Maybe I will even get to use some new cookware...

Beyond Backpacking

I was talking with a close friend of mine the other night and she was talking about things that are therapeutic to her and she asked me what things served that purpose in my life. I started off with basketball because in my high school days that was the case; I could work anything out on the court alone. Then it moved to climbing. This past summer I would spend hours at the climbing center here in town just working things out in my mind. Since being in school, I don't think i have really found the therapy that just cleanses my mind of things and the irony is that I feel I'm at a point when I need it the most. She asked what about blogging as being therapy to me and I kind of surprised myself by not thinking of that initially. I have hardly blogged since I have been at school due to the busy schedule and loud dorms and lack of quiet time that I can find for myself. I hate justifying it because that isn't fair, I know I can make time to step away from everything that holds me down, but I don't. I just feel like college is just so heavy and that words seems like it doesn't really apply here but it makes all the sense in the world to me. There is just so much to it that keeps you going and it isn't bad things, just a lot of things. Time management and I have not become friends yet and I plan to fix that when I return for the final three weeks of this first semester.

Thankfully, since I have been home I have been very productive with myself. I have developed a little streak of laziness while being at school, for reasons I think I already acknowledged but no longer! Since I have been home I have been on a 3.5 mile run, a quick mile run, a 4 mile hike, and spent about an hour or so climbing around on Pinnacle Mountain. And it is just Tuesday. I have big plans for myself this week. I will spend a generous amount of time at the climbing center tomorrow and then probably go for a Thanksgiving Day run, just because no one does that and it will definitely take some discipline on my part.

I have come to find that the way I live my life affects every other part of it. When my room is messy, I do worse in school. When it is clean, I find it easier to focus and to just function on a daily basis. When I am lazy and don't workout or push myself physically, I see it in my spiritual life. Trends flow through all regions of what I do and I am coming to find that in an eerie way, they are all connected. The parallels that can be made from me running or climbing to how I am doing with God is so accurate. I don't mean to say that when I don't run, I don't love God or what not but the idea of me being focused and proactive and not lazy or apathetic is evident in all parts of my life. I come in from getting a paper back that I did not do good on to stare into my room that has been dominated by a tornado and I get pissed. I clean and clean, I wash dishes for crying out loud, until everything is organized and without really meaning to, I organize my academics. I find myself very apathetic to God sometimes and I find it hard for me to connect, to make myself vulnerable but then I can go for a run and break my body down physically, while in the process I break myself down spiritually and mentally, allowing me to stop suffocating my mind and give it some air to breathe.

I forget how simple life can be sometimes, if you make it that way. I have all this clutter in my room, in my body, in my life and I find it so easy to do nothing about it all when all it takes is a consistent mindset and focus to take care of one day at a time, in every aspect of life. That may be cliche but as I live out my life at college I realize just how truthful that has come to be. Therapy is needed, yes. Jesus withdrew often to have times of meditation and I know that there will be dire times when I must get away and heal myself, but why do I constantly need that? Why am I trying to live spiritual high to spiritual high? I think because I fix my eyes on them and not the day at hand. There are many reasons to focus on the day at hand and honestly I am a very small reason that will reap benefits if I work day to day. Picking up some clothes here, running and doing some push-ups there, reading a few chapters and reflecting on them...all these things are so simple and crucial and can happen every day while I am at college. It is all so simple and I have made it so confusing, no wonder my mind, my work, and my faith is in shambles. I pray that God will slow me down; that He will guide me through each day, not week or month but each day because I know that I am missing so many opportunities by not slowing things down and living by the basics.

I spent a lot of time talking about how to pack light while backpacking today and it really paralleled with all that I am going through. There are only so many things you need when you hit the trail. You have staple items and then you have so many luxuries that bog you down and that when you break things down, you find them to be unnecessary. There is my life, in backpacking terms. I am fighting a struggle to pack lighter, to hold on the essentials and in doing that I will be more comfortable, more content and my trip will be more enjoyable. So I pray tonight that I learn to pack light and enjoy my trip...

The Stars Align for You and I Tonight

I am bad at parallels. Applying the Bible to my life comes rarely so when I have little epiphanies, I tend to run with them. It is powerful in my mind and heart when I can make a connection that I feel is important in my life and will benefit me to record it. Also, my memory is awful and I tend to forget things even if they are meaningful. I kinda see my brain as a game of telephone. Lets say each person telling the nexy represents a few hours in my brain. So, by the time the message gets relayed to the end of the line (when I need to recall it), it is either distorted or forgotten or something to the effect of me not getting it right. I hate that about my brain, but then there are things that just hit me and stick.

This weekend, I sat under the stars in a field that was pitch black all around and the best part is that the moon was no where to be found. Now I have sat under stars before but never in my life have I experienced this amazing of a view. As I mentioned, the conditions were perfect for laying under the stars. My friends and I just talked about why God would do this. We wondered aloud as to what the point of all this universe was when everything that 'mattered' was going on down on the earth. We even talked about how that may sound selfish, but I think you can understand my logic there. If his mission was on Earth and that idea of getting far from the Earth? Why would he do this? I think of the time when He told Abraham that his decendents would be as many as the stars in the sky. I know that they didnt have electricity and when it was night, it was night so I can guarantee that his view of the stars dominates the magnificant one that I had. Did God make it just for him? Or was he just showing off? Maybe He was just like hey when you think it is only about you on this Earth, let me knock you down on your back at night and remind how small you really are.

I have been taught all my life that stars are very far away. So far away that, many stars burn out during my lifetime but I will always see its light. As we sat on our blanket under the even great blanket of the stars, I wondered aloud again after we saw a shooting star that 'what if that actually happened 10 years ago and the light just now got to be visible to anyone on Earth.' That blows my mind. It simply rocks my world to try to comprehend that and to think how many shooting stars happen. If you break each one down, its like a monumental experience but they are so common in the Earthly viewpoint. Why does God do this? What is the point of all that? I heard Louie Giglio speak on the "How Great is our God" tour and he talked about sizes of stars that have been found and I won't go through them all, but the biggest star that we know of is compared sized in this way. Let's say the Earth is the size of a golfball, so the biggest star known has the circumference the same as the amount of golfballs it would take to stack to the highest point on Mt. Everest. That is crazy! And why? All so God could show if infinite majesty, perhaps. A friendly and beautiful reminder that He is mighty and simply good. One of my favorite quotes from CS Lewis seems fitting here. He said: "Nature never taught me that there exists a God of glory and infinite majesty. I had to learn that in other ways. But nature gave the word glory a meaning for me." Another reference from Genesis: "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth...and it was good."

I love the idea of God being supreme and I know that so many times I try to box him in and make him fit the Brett mold that is convenient. I also love when he just hammers me with the truth that I have it all wrong. I think the a few verses in Job really sum up my night under the stars. Starting in Job 38:1 then skipping to 31-32: "The the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said...Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its Cubs?" God dominates Job here, as he has done me so many times. Who am I to go against this God who has the power to shift even the universe? May I come to listen to God, but never understand him; to witness but never try to comprehend because I know it is worthless. May I simply accept and appreciate and marvel in the glory and infinite majesty that is the LORD of the heavens and earth.

"Can we sing?"

Honestly, I don't have words for this week. I am trying to put this down so I can come back to it one day to reflect on one of the greatest weeks of my life. I have been reformed this week; i have seen my LORD again and again working this week, showing himself to me through others. I have been hit from every direction with the Spirit and it is so contagious. I was skeptical about Harding from the beginning and as of 3 weeks ago, my plan was to do one year here then transfer. Then about 5 days later I decided maybe sticking it out for two years would do it. On Sunday, I confessed to my grandmother while doing laundry that its gonna three but of course I gave her the disclaimer that this time next week things will probably be different. I was right. I plan on graduating in black and gold and honestly it has nothing to do with academia here. It is purely the relationships that I have made this past week and the things that have done. I find myself in spontaneous acts of pure worship with so many different groups of people. Big group, small group of upperclassmen, boys in my hall, girls older than me. God has used everyone this week to show me how awesome He is. I think of the verse where God talks of how everything is good during the creation. The final thing that He creates and deems good is man and woman. I don't think I have ever thought much of that verse but for some reason, I have a new respect for that because of the different people I have met and have come to know that they are good. I think 'good' is such a loaded word and to see it in the flesh as God made it is a powerful thing.

I don't know where I am going, what I am doing but I know that I am going to be taken care of. I am listening to a song with lyrics that really just move me as I write this: 'How refreshing to know you don't need me, how amazing to find that you want me." I think to the title of my blog and the chapter of Rob Bell's book where he talks of how the apostles did not choose Jesus. They did not seek him out to follow him, instead He chose them. He came for them, asking them to follow him. He showed the world that even this group of fishermen, traitors, radicals, and men like me can follow Him because we are good. Tonight, this morning, whatever it is...I feel that I am truly wanted by God.

I look back on the times in my life when I felt close to God and it seems that they have been major events. I tend to think that they were spiritual highs which in themselves are not a bad thing at all, but what you do with them is the catch. I have fizzled too many times. I have never had consistency in my faith, I jump from big event to big event and try to just hang on in the middle of them. God showed me this week that He is really a simple God. He moves through the simplicity of life and the stillness of life. As I sat with friends I have had for years, some for weeks and some for no more than 48 hours...I find myself connected to them all purely through Him. It is simple and that is how God intended it and that was revealed to me tonight. My hope tonight is that God will continue to work here, in this school and in this freshman student. May he use me and the week I have had to live consistently and with purpose. May I live a simple life, always striving to worship in any way, with anyone, anywhere. May we continue to simply live lives of worship, uncontrollable and radical, never ceasing and always spreading. I may have no mountaintop experience... but tonight, I am consumed with a mere rooftop.

Simply, College.

So i have been busy with college and really havent even had this blog on my mind. Well, in the back of my mind I guess but never really enough to sit down and let go. I am in between classes right now, just got done polishing off some strawberry ice cream loaded with sprinkles...addiction. For the first week really, I felt as if I was still at some summer camp just doing mixers and games and devos but as of this morning it has really kinda settled in, the whole college thing. I guess waking up on my own after living a hard week and an even harder weekend and having to go to class will do it to you. It really has been good despite. I am a night owl but I havent been one having to get up and walk to eat and then go to classes when I could so easily skip. I have already started to see glimpses of responsibility and self-discipline...and honestly it is quite nice, yet weird.

My biggest prayer for school was for me to able to drop into groups where the spritual was important. I am fortunate to have the 8:30 downtown service and if you have any clue of what that is then you know I need not to say more. It is so amazing to be there, but also I have already made close ties to devos and relationships that matter and that is key. I am beginning to see the idea of independence in college unfold, regardless of how close I am to home. I am constantly challenged socially, physically and due to the people I have already met, spiritually.

I see this page as an outlet for me and a place for me to let go of any thoughts that I have had or things I have noticed. I think that my approach to this blog will change and continue to change throughout this year. It may be sporatic and it may be consistent. I tend to think it will go through both phases more than once. It will be a much different take on everything, I think. I went to the same school for 13 years and knew everyone in the hall and every teacher in every room but this is a completely new experience.

God has plans for me, I know that. Currently, I am not quite sure what that is though with regards to my major. Typical college student problems of course, but I like to know what I am doing and where I am going. I pray that I may be able to just give it up, try hard in all the classes and just let God show me what to do, because really that is how all things are but sometimes they come easier so I tend to think I did something to make it apparant. I would be wrong there.

I expect many good things from college, I just dont know where or when they will come from. I know that the Lord has a will and I need not try to force it. Here is my hope to patience in my everyday life, may I simply let go of any worry and live this new phase of life. Why not, really? It seems simple to me but I cant help but worry so that is where I give up completely and turn it over to God. Hopefully this blog will continue to benefit me as I share thoughts and experiences and lessons from college.

Wilderness.Blog.II

There is a pretty hilarious video on youtube that is simply called “Jesus Video” and what it is is this collection of clips from an old timey video of Jesus and the gospel and is dubbed over with funny voices and dialogue. People say that the video is sacrilegious because of how people mock the story but I beg to differ. But that isn't my point. In one of the scenes, Jesus is sitting in the desert on a rock and a few of the disciples come up to him and announce they have been looking for him and how he isn't their friend. Jesus responds that he is their friend but he just doesn't have time for them. Now, this isn't true of course but I think it does shed some light on something that Jesus was all about. Reading through the story of Jesus, it seems to me that at the beginning of so many stories it talks of how Jesus went out on a hill or to the countryside or the other side of the lake. Then there are the instances when he goes to the wilderness for 40 days to be tempted and when he leaves the disciples to go pray in Gethsemane. Jesus constantly was getting away or attempting to get away, usually to a remote of isolated place.

I find myself needing the same medicine. Getting away from everything is such a peaceful and refreshing experience yet at the same time if can be a dangerous and uneasy time. The wilderness to me is any escape from the comfortable to that which is not guaranteed or easy so that you can either cleanse your mind, body and soul in a way that benefits you. God uses the wilderness in special ways for it is his stage, his playground that He has created. Why should we not use it for the same? He has given us this to enjoy and take in and to celebrate and to be afraid all at the same time. It like the Narnia quote: No, it isn’t safe but it is good. C.S. Lewis has a quote that I definitely can compare to: Nature never taught me that there exists a God of glory and infinite majesty. I had to learn that in other ways. But nature gave the word glory a meaning for me. Getting away from everything that we have come to know and for the most part things that we are able to so easily take for granted is a key to releasing the noise so you can open your life to God. That is how I feel it works, again not just a nature wilderness but a wilderness of any kind...simply an isolated, removed place where change can occur. God is constantly calling for us to change and, in my opinion, he uses the wilderness to allow us to release and connect, as Jesus did so many times. He has given us so much space...maybe so we never have an excuse to not get away, but to take on his wilderness in hopes of radical change.

Wilderness.Blog.I

I have been reading a book lately about finding God and yourself in the wilderness. I decided to keep a highlighter handy because I have a bad memory and for study purposes, decided it would be good to have some stuff colored for quick reference. I thought I was bad at highlighting at first because the intro was covered in bright yellow. The points that were introduced were just straight money, I couldn’t not highlight some of them. It is refreshing to read those because I feel like a lot of times I think things but really wouldn’t be able to tell someone what I am feeling and these kinds of points sum up my airy thoughts. To sum it all up though, the general point that this book wants to get across is that God is found in the wilderness, whatever wilderness that may be. Wilderness isn’t necessarily vacant, remote places in nature but it could be times or places or situations in ones life where it might as well be remote and you feel as if you are alone, ultimately seeking God out because he is the only thing you have in this wilderness, Its beautiful really.

One of the first points about wilderness made in the book is the idea that wilderness stretches our physical and spiritual boundaries, opening us up to the possibility of change. For me, it is knowing that I am away from all that is safe is pure wilderness. God definitely speaks in the wilderness. The story of John the Baptist comes to mind when I think of how God spoke in the wilderness. John wasn’t a normal guy, by social standards. He ate locusts and sported camel...prehistoric Bear Gryllis for sure. But God used him as his prophet, but not on the busy street corner of Jerusalem but out in the wild where it very well could be dangerous. He wasn’t your typical prophet of the times but that was the way God made it. Wilderness draws everything out of you that you may not know you have. It can pull emotions from deep within you, sometimes without you really realizing it but it is because in this state, you...have...nothing...else. That is how I feel sometimes, even in urban wilderness. I sit alone and just feel like I have nothing at that moment but God. It is an eerie feeling that I cant describe but only attempt to relate.

Next, a point that stuck out to me was the idea that in the wilderness you must be in the present. You cannot worry about what will happen at night because too much is at stake, too much to risk, too many possibilities that could occur before that time. You must always be alert as the what is going on in the current moment. I struggle with this because I believe God gives many opportunities and chances to people but so many are missed because people live for tomorrow, which is what I tend to do. I look ahead but don’t take into consideration what God has put on my plate for the very moment. His divine moment is hanging in front of my yet I impatiently move it aside for what I believe is more important...usually, distant. I find myself looking for some great experience and all the while that I look for that, I miss out on the beauty that God has given. I want to seek out a giant waterfall, or massive cliffs, or a rare animal when God has hidden them with his glory, yet I do not notice. All that He has created gets overlooked by my anxiety to look ahead and not slow down and take in the majesty that is all around me. I am not in the present, I am not taking into account what is going on right now and what divine moment God has put in front of me for the time being.

Another good point that I can relate to is this: When one finds themselves in a potentially uncomfortable or unpredictable place, God is put into a new perspective because He is all that you have. In the western culture today, the vast majority of people are control freaks and must be in control at all times. It is the moments when we stand over the edge or stand alone in our personal wilderness that we realize we must let go. As much as we thrive to control what goes on, God shows us that it isn’t possible and we must, at some point in the process of finding ourselves, let go. It is in these moments that a God that so many times we neglect is the only thing we know we have. The vastness is exposed to us in its entirety for we are at a point that is a true wilderness: not in control. For many, they have never experienced that and in turn have never truly experienced God. How can you say that you have experienced God from a comfortable bed and a happy go lucky life. You must be stripped to experience the fullness that he offers, because it is too easy to settle for a comfortable faith. A quote from CS Lewis’ Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe says it perfect: Peter asks Mr Beaver if Aslan the Lion “is safe.” Mr Beaver responds: “’course he isn’t safe...but he’s good. He’s the king.” I currently look to that quote as a foundation for my faith. Nothing about Jesus ministry was safe. He was killed due to it, if that tells you anything. Numerous people throughout history have followed him to martyrdom, a true testament to how precious this is. But it all must start with a renewal. That renewal must come in a place of wilderness and I say it again we must be stripped of all we know and experience God in his rawest form. In my opinion, nature. We must go out and experience God on his stage.

The wilderness demands us to push the limits, whether physically, emotionally, or mentally. Ultimately, by pushing these limits, the limit of our spirituality is tugged at and it begs to be drawn out more. It needs to be drawn out. When you have nothing left, when you are afraid and when your mind simply wants to quit, all you have is the spiritual because it is not of your nature and therefore doesn’t quit as do all your other earthly natures. Our comfort zone must be breached to allow any sort of transformation. A guide for this apparent need comes from Jesus himself. The gospels constantly talked of Him retreating to spend time in prayer. His 40 days in the wilderness is a prime example that we must get away, we must regain focus and we must be enlightened. You don’t have to go into nature and see how pretty everything looks because unfortunately some people just don’t have it in them to enjoy God’s oldest and most raw creation. It is simply the isolation from what we know, stepping away from the usual to allow change to happen. It is my personal opinion that pushing your bodily limits will allow to become vulnerable which is crucial. Vulnerability is the start of openness, which leads to reflection and can catapult a person to acceptance and realization.

There is so much to be said about God and his utilization of his creation in the lives of humans and I think some of these points can truly act as catalysts for many lives that are broken or are in need of something more. I will stop and say this is my first segment on Wilderness. I will attempt to discuss this same topic on a more personal level, sharing experiences and adventures that I have had that have shaped my view on the importance of God’s wilderness in the development of faith.

The Pharmacy America Trusts

So I have worked for Walgreen's for nearly ten months, to date, and I have never really thought about it until recently as I head off to school that I have learned a lot about people there. Working this form of retail has been a nice, extended psychology lesson. Now, I work in the pharmacy so the pressure is up a notch considering what we deal with and more importantly who we deal with.

Firstly, things change. When I first started there, we had about 1o employees that were on staff back there. Today, not including myself, there is one girl from that initial group of people that still work at Walgreen's and she has worked there for 10 years. She trained me and has trained every tech we have hired since I started and I am sure she trained techs before myself. So the lineup has most definitely changed, but with that the mood or the atmosphere really changed. The manager that I started under was an awesome guy. He was so chill and laid back and so understanding, so I made a smooth move in with Walgreen's. After about 2 to 3 months, he found a better job and took it so we hired a very, very annoying lady. I have never once wanted to quit but after working two nights with this woman, I was sure that I was hot on the heels of our first manager to be out of there. But I stuck it out and things worked out eventually. I just became used to how she was and how she worked. Again, changes affect everyone and that was definitely true for a fiery young teenager like myself. Recently, she has moved to another store in the area to work and our other pharmacist has taken duties as manager and I must say it was a happy day when she first spoke the words "pharmacy manager" while speaking to a patient. With the change in staff, I have learned many things from many different people and have also learned to adapt to a changing situation.

Second, I think this may be a bit rash to make this assumption only taking into consideration my working at this small pharmacy in this small metropolis of a city but I am confident it is a legit statement. People, as a whole, are very angry, rude, impatient, and most of all unhappy. Working eight hour shifts with so many different people coming and going throughout the day has shed some light on my thoughts on people in general. I have dealt with some of the most unhappy and angry people over some of the most ridiculous situations. My friend that I work with and I were talking the other day, as he considers moving jobs, about how depressing it really is. How these patients throw a fit over such petty circumstances and how frustrated they get when most often the issue is due in part to them. Many a time have I been yelled and cussed at for a situation that not only was out of my hands but everyone else's in the pharmacy as well. Problems with peoples insurance, or doctors, or sometimes there own faults pitched off onto me. I have seen people that I know from the past that don't recognize me, some that I went to church with, that will lose their minds over very small situations that come up. It is embarrassing for them, I have to think because I know them and they don't realize how foolish they are acting.

But maybe that anger, that impatience, that unhappiness comes form something else. I haven't seen it yet, but I think a lot of what I have been experiencing could be summed up by the NOOMA "Store". The setting of the clip I have seen is in a grocery store and a woman is checking out, having a friendly conversation with the clerk as she scans her items. As the clerk goes to scan a particular item, it appears it doesn't work and she tries again and the lady gives a reassuring look that it is OK and something to the affect of not to worry, as if she will go get another item that will scan. All the while, the shopper in line behind this woman is obviously becoming angry. His face gives him away immediately as he suppresses anger at the situation. Where does this come from? Why are people so unhappy? Why can we not just slow down and breathe and relax?

I work really hard when I go to places, such as the bank or a fast-food restaurant, to think about the people I deal with on a daily basis. I focus on having a positive attitude, and not just that but a thankful one. It is refreshing when I deal with a person who is genuinely kind to you and thankful. They don't just treat you as a robot simply fulfilling a job, but if you make a slightest mistake then immediately you are noticed. I could compare my job to a kicker in football. Very similar situation. Back to my focus though...I understand how easily it is to have that mindset that the bank teller doesn't need my time and I do not need his or hers because I just want to deposit money and go. Yet, there I am finding myself on the other side, looking through the glass knowing that just maybe a happy and thankful customer could give that teller or fast-food worker the strength they need to make it through an already brutal day.

I deal with problems quite regularly, so my perspective is much different. People come in and act like the children with them over issues with their medicine when they fail to realize that I work on these problems for 8 hours a day. I don't say that to put myself on a pedestal but, by putting this whole situation in perspective, it's really not that bad. I get out of a day full of these problems, some still unresolved...waiting for me to come in the next morning and continue to attempt to resolve them but I feel that I am blessed. I pray for these people that are so wrapped up in simple, issues that set them off. I pray for them because, regardless of my going to church with some of them, they still obviously are missing something in their life. It is apparent as they speed off after purchasing a prescription with a different credit card then the first one they tried that they need something more in their life. Something that will give them patience and happiness, regardless of what happened that day at the local pharmacy. God has a way of humbling people and I have come to see my job as just that. God working through the deranged lives of others to show me how blessed I am and to show me that there is so much more than this life, simply through attitudes that I see everyday. Thank God, I say that quite literally, for his peace because, as I have learned, many people are without it and it visibly affects their daily life, even if it is for a mere four minutes at Walgreen's.

Reflections on the Mount

I have really come to realize lately that God is faithful. Of course he always has been, but there are definitely times, such as now, for me when I just feel distant. You could say I was in a rut. I am constantly looking ahead and not concerned with the here and now and considering my situation I really should be focused on that. I leave for college in 3 weeks. There is no time to be looking ahead because it will be here too soon for me to skip over these last weeks.

I was reading Matthew 6 the other day, skimming through the Sermon on the Mount and I ran across the verses about worrying. The verse at the end of that section really just smacked me in the head when I read it because it is very much what I needed. “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself.” I feel as if God used that to slow me down because who am I to say what I will do next week when I have a week of time to live in between then, granted God gives it to me. In addition to that, the rest of Matthew 6 really complements itself. Jesus did a fine job of putting simple thoughts together and making them really blend and mesh as a great thought. It is fundamentals of faith that He breaks down: fasting, praying, and giving. Three items that are crucial, in my opinion, to the development of faith and they all help you in very different ways. I have never been much of a faster but I have attempted fasts from certain things that I feel bog me down and it has really shown to be affective. I find myself putting time into other important things that would have been neglected to my obsession with that which I am fasting from. Jesus tells us that our fasting should be down in silence and not to parade it around, along with praying and giving. It is to be between you and God and no one else. I don’t necessarily think that it is void if you tell people, but it cant be that gloating that Jesus talks about. The point is to advance the relationship between God and yourself and I believe that can still happen if people are aware of what you are doing.

I struggle to pray constantly, it is something that I know is powerful because I have experienced times in my life where prayer was very much a part of it. It was like a cleansing act that just lifted my spirits and gave me a new kind of energy. Lately, I cant say that I have been in that role. I find laziness catching up to me and pulling me down when really I have no good reason to not simply spend 3 or 4 minutes here or there just stopping. It is convicting in the three topics that Jesus addresses that he always leads of with “When you…” It is never if you, or when you have time to, or if it is convenient. Simply, when you do, telling me at least that I should be but then he goes on to regulate that it is not in vain that we do these acts of faith.

Giving is a touchy subject in my mind because I am selfish. I have a good job and make a nice amount of money for a summer job but with that comes more expectations from God to give and I have found that hard. My most recent attempt is to support a cause financially and regularly. I have struggled, as I knew I would because I am just stingy and lately have not handled my money well but it is sad because giving with that open heart really impacts a person, I think. I know that on the scarce, random times that I find it in me to give, I have this good feeling, not that I am proud but that I am doing what I should be. God calls us to give and He said to do it with a cheerful heart, so on those occasions I like to live in them because God has blessed me with it. If people could find the joy to sincerely give, then this world would be a much better place. Period.

I have come to a nice realization this summer. I am a straight sinner. I sin and I always will and it is that simple. I am a unhealthily competitive person and that has a bad affect on me spiritually. For example, when I would practice basketball, shooting hundreds of shots in a session, I would hit so many in a row then miss one and freak out. That definitely transfers over to the spiritual because I beat myself up so much about each little mistake. I get competitive but a lot of times I shut down in those instances and it kills me. I kinda give up because I feel like I will never bounce back from any mistake because that is how my mind works, so my accepting grace and forgiveness from anyone is usually a struggle. I struggle with that struggle and it is a vicious cycle. If ever my earthly mind had trouble with a concept that was so free and eminent, than that is it. I think that my distant mindset is a major factor with that, the guilt sets in and I really don't feel worthy when really I am more worthy than ever in those times.

I am thankful that I don't understand God. The wonder that is God simply reassures that I don't need to understand, yet I am taken care of.

Those who don't work, don't eat.

Coming off my trip from Mexico, I think that I have developed a much better understanding of what it means to be a servant. It is very similar to Christianity in that it isn't always easy, but it is always right. Honestly, I expected to roll into Mexico and build a house in a few days then leave feeling good about what I had done. I also prayed that God would humble me and I quickly found out that those two could not exist together. I definitely was humbled due to the circumstances of the week and the conditions of the building but it all came together for me as I read through II Thessalonians. In chapter 3, Paul writes to them about not being idle and tells them to constantly be working and to spread the gospel. He goes on as far as to say that those who don't work, don't eat. It really puts my week in perspective because sure the work was hard, but it isn't about the labor and I struggled to see that all week. No, it is about doing the work, not just the work itself. It is the act of service, doing it for someone in the name of Jesus. It is staying away from idleness and doing the work to his glory that matters. I find myself completely selfish when I complain about our week because as someone said on our trip: "Maybe this is just God showing us that we in fact are on His schedule and any notions that we have should be thrown out the window because this is God's trip. Any idea of a feel good mission trip should be checked at the door because this isn't what service is about. It is about humbling yourself so that the light of the LORD might shine on others. Service is tough, but it is right and true." It was humbling and that is more than just a feeling of being thankful for what you have but its also a call to continue serving no matter the place or time because despite my sorry week physically, I have never been more blessed than by knowing this family. I experience God through them in a way I never have before and a simple meal with them in their home was amazing to the point of shifting my outlook on what a servant is and what a follower of Christ is. May God continue to break hearts as He did mine in Juarez, Mexico that week. May he always light the way that leads people to the doorstep of servant hood because I am a firm believer that true faith can be found by living a life that is consumed not by one's self but by the need of the needy and the lost. It is a hope that people can be reached by the good deeds in the name of Jesus Christ and can understand why we do the things we do for this man that lived, died and rose for us so many years ago.

"Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven." -Matt. 5:16

Mexico - An Epic

Compiled over a span of 4 days while in Mexico:



June 25 - "This is gonna suck"

So we just crossed the border into Mexico for our first day of work. Dad's car got stopped...maybe if he wouldn't try to smuggle stuff across the border on a church trip.. Anyway, today is supposed to be our toughest day of work but of course I love that. Mexico so far is a pretty cool sight, but only that. The living conditions are horrible. It is a very busy city here in Juarez, alot of people just out and alot of cars on the road. Our guide is pretty cool, she is a tough one...she doesn't say much. I told Lucas she could probably beat him up so he needs to watch his back. I slept on a church pew in El Paso last night in the ole' Mistral bag and it was a surprisingly good night's rest so as I write I am ready to go. Right now we are driving to the shed to get Kelsey's tools then to the church to unload then to the house to start work.



Kelsey's truck broke down that puts us back a while and also, the cement truck didn't come to the site so another thing goes wrong the first day we are here. They are scheduled to come early tomorrow morning.



June 26 - "It's friggin' hot"

Today has been another difficult day and from the looks of it, a harder day than yesterday. The concrete truck came four hours late, so we are continually being slowed in our progress. I am sitting here at the iglesia during our siesta which is planned to be about a three hour break in the middle of the day to eat lunch and get some rest before heading back out to the site. I am polishing off a turkey/ham sandwich, some gogurt, sun chips, and a gatorade...not a bad lunch for being in Mexico. We have had a few people already get sick on this full day of work and a couple people puked their guts up...exciting start. I have felt fine so far and I really hope it stays that way. The temperature broke 107 today at the site and our days are long. I got a blister from working in the concrete, pushing it around real quickly and everything. But it came up and busted quick so that wasn't fun. I also had concrete up to my shins in my only pair of jeans to work in, so I knew i would have some fun dealing with that. As for my blister, I just soaked it in a wet wipe when i got to the church to clean it out good...it burned. Last night, we had a little episode with cockroaches around 1:30 in the morning so all the girls were up slapping flip-flops and screaming and everything. Lucas and I weren't touched. We had only been asleep for a little over and hour, but when I woke up I really thought it was morning and time to go and I felt ready...a little power nap really did it for me. It wasn't though, so we went back to bed. Despite waking up for that, I sleep very well again. Working so far has been concrete foundation, building walls, posting chicken wire all over the walls and it will definitely be tough on the second stretch of our long day. We go in very late last night so we didn't get to sit and talk about anything really. It was eat and go to bed. From the looks of it, we aren't going to finish by tomorrow night as planned. We may actually end up working up until our dedication time set for Thursday morning.



June 26 - "Don't worry....we listened to Freebird"

So after our siesta, we headed back out to the site to finish off our first full day of slave labor in Juarez. Our initial plan for the afternoon/night was to work from 4:00-8:00...just 4 hours. But of course, things didn't go as planned and we left the site around 9:45 leading to another late meal and short rest through the night. I am sitting here, very tired and on edge much like everyone else, about to lay my head down to sleep.

My shoes were and jeans were nasty from the morning in the concrete, but at least they were dry. I didn't suffer much from them much although it was gross and I know ill have to deal with them all week. On the way to the site, we heard Buy you a Drank and Freebird so we were just positive that it would be a good day. Wrong. The work sucked today because we are so behind and have so much to do. I moved into serious worker mode cause I was getting pissed and hungry. Honestly, I wanted to just go home. I really feel that this trip hasn't rewarded me and that is selfish but I don't like when I cant feel what is happening. I like to feel God working and right now I cant. I know why we are here and what we are doing but I just feel like I'm not on that train but, again like last night, we didn't spend any time talking tonight about what we did because we had such a late night again. I need those talks and those reflections to understand and I wish my outlook could change. Right now I am sitting on my mattress knowing I need to sleep because we have to be on site at 6:00 on the morning to attempt to catch up. Everyone is tired and most are feeling pretty miserable about the trip as a whole...I have trouble blaming them. It definitely didn't help that we had 4 people stay back because we missed the man power that much this afternoon. Getting back to El Paso will be very nice for everyone including myself because the trip is really turning into straight slave labor. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and wont speak up about it of course but I really just don't feel positive. I am really praying tonight to be broken down in a different way tomorrow and to have an awakening as to feeling in my heart why I am here and why I am doing what I am doing.

June 27 - "Te gusta bailar?"

Today has been much better. We go to the site at six in the morning so we could attempt to get back on schedule as best we could. I got very involved with the kids this morning and that definitely helped move the trip into a better light. We taught David and Maria the pancake and the heel-toe and played limbo. They are so carefree and kind and I can already tell that leaving will be tough because of these people. The love comes so freely from everyone we have met here. Although leaving the work will not be missed. We got the whole frame up and got to work on blackboarding the two side walls. This afternoon will be chicken wire and stucco and insulation. We hope to have the house finished and ready to dedicate by tomorrow at noon but we are optimistic about being done earlier in the morning. Apart from spending time with all the kids, I still am struggling to enjoy this trip or attempt to take something from it. It is just touch doing construction all day when you really hate it and so many times you feel as if nothign is getting done. Hopefully this afternoon will be better with regards to work but of course now all I want to do is play with the ninos...

June 27 - "RULE #1!!"

We headed back out to the work site ready to hit it and get the job done today. Little did we know that all of our mishaps so far would be vastly overshadowed by one half day of work. As the work began, we just had many many errors on building that had to be backed up and redone. Everyone was messing up things and having to do them over, with me included. Boards werent flused, chicken wire was done all wrong, things were nailed all jacked up, etc. I really could go on and on about all the mess-ups we had today. Then, as the sun began to go down, rain clouds started moving in but we soon found out that there was little rain but a lot of lightning and wind. Being in a dusty, very flat country with those conditions are not favorable. To make all this even better, my Dad and I happened to be working on the roof during this and I have lightning when it is on top of me so I was pacing everywhere. Kelsey said we had to finish the roof because the rain would get in the house and ruin things, so we definitely pushed the limit, much to my dismay. We worked up until the point when BJ said he was taking us off the roof because it was just too dangerous, even though we weren't done like she wanted. So we all got off and sprinted for the cars. The people who weren't on the roof had packed all out tools in the van so we were set to go once we all got down. Everyone was set to go except the boys that were on the roof, so Dan tossed Lucas the keys to the Suburban to get us going and, of course, it doesn't start. He tries once more...nothing. So I get out and run through all sand storm about 50 yards up to the Expedition and tell my Dad that Dan needs a jump, so pull around. It takes us about 20 minutes to get it started, all the while standing in the sand storm and lightning overhead. As soon as we got it jumped, we took off...only for Dan to make a comment about his low air pressure light being on. We went over a bump and I felt it being more than low pressure. I said, "Back left..?" and he nodded. I knew this was gonna be bad...I rolled down the window and see that our tire is very much flat and getting worse. I am continually checking the tire, watching it get lower and lower and we move past the other cars and I flag them down out the window pointing to the tire to let them know there was another problem. We get ahead of everyone and pull into Rapidito's and survey the tire. It's gone. Lucas and I jump out and head over to the van with all the girls. By this time, I think it is all very funny because everything is going wrong and so we just start losing it. We joked all the way back to the church and even still some when we got there.

The second half of the day was an extreme opposite of the first part of the day. I guess you could say we leveled out but no...the accidents, errors, and mishaps have dominated this trip. God has definitely challenged us, I think, to keep our focus on what this is all about but frankly I just really haven't. All the brute labor really wears you down and pissed you off by the end of the day. Our youth group is built on reflection and discussion and its tough when we don't get that each night of this hard work. Considering that lack of fellowship, the frustration is obvious. It is just ridiculous at this point and people are tired of it all. All I have now is to pray that I realize all we have accomplished on the house and the teamwork we have developed as a group. It is a much different bonding experience, one we aren't accustomed to. It has sucked but hopefully we will find time in El Paso or Abilene to be able to talk about all this week. It has been even more hard for me because I felt so moved on the way down here with my book and and just doing a lot of thinking and a continuous shot like this week has definitely put me on my butt. I just hope that I can really get back on my feet spiritually after this very demoralizing week, but I still have the ride home to spend a lot of time thinking and reading to get my focus back and really understand what we did this week. I still have a hint of optimism in me, but it's fading fast.

June 28 - "Man, we could easily get drugs across this border"

The final day of work....wooo!!! But not really. We got up early again with hopes of finishing by 12 and getting back to El Paso early. As the day moved along, we kept working and working and working and we didn't finish the house until 6:00. We never took a siesta because we didn't think we would need to so we worked 13 straight hours with no lunch, save the food Lucia had for us. We didn't eat until 10:00 that night, so we went nearly 17 hours without a solid meal, working in the sun all day. Of course, the day fit right in with the others and sucked but working that long with that little food, you can expect a rough day. When we crossed the border, I stuck my head out the window and pumped my fist to Lady Liberty but lost my hat...the hits just keep coming. Then, we get to west El Paso and Kelsey's van breaks down...super. Dan, BJ, Lucas, Patrick and I get out and push it about 400 yards into a hotel parking lot and we leave that piece of trash.

As I look back on all that I wrote, I kind of chuckle because even through all that and looking back now...I have memories that surpass all of those. Our family was amazing. There were four of them and even though we couldn't always communicate verbally with them, it was apparent that God helped us communicate in a much better way that only He can do. It was amazing to see the impact we had on them and the gratitude they visibly showed to us. I wont ever see that family again, most likely, and the more I think on it the harder it gets because God brought us all together in those 4 days. Ill miss the love that Raul and Lucia showed each other and us, Jesus always wanting to be helping us and of course ill miss Maria always smiling and just lighting up every time we came around. For all the crap we went through this week, the short time spent at the dedication and saying goodbye with that family changes everything. It puts all the labor and and trials in perspective. It is truly mind blowing that I feel like this after a week with a family that doesn't even speak my language but I know that as members of the family of God, we built our bond on that which surpasses any physical barrier. My heart will always lie in the home of that family in Juarez with the hope that one day we will see each other again and we will pancake and limbo for eternity. I prayed that God would humble me this week and in that moment when we turned those keys over to the family, I was. I fought tears then because it was so overwhelming. I knew then that God had this plan all along and I was selfish to complain about it. I pray that I they are constantly on my mind and in my heart because I know I will never forget the short week I spent in their lives. I thank God for that family and pray that they may be so richly blessed by our efforts but mainly by the LORD himself because they are very much worthy.

Auburn

Written June 24, 2007 on the way to Juarez, Mexico...

So my heart strings are being pulled again by that small town in Alabama. I have just realized once again how passionate I am about going there and how I can't help it. I can't help but think that a desire this strong is more than something I want but that perhaps it is a calling. I don't ever feel that I have had a calling to do something, per say, but this is very heavy on my heart. I talked a lot with Mrs. Pat and Mr. Dan on the way down to Mexico and they really gave me some good insight into living life and being happy with what you do and having no regrets. They talked a lot about doing what you want while you can and that really struck me. I don't want to live with regrets because i plan on college being the most exciting and adventurous time of my life. I want to be going and meeting new meeting new people and new places and experience things that I haven't before. I don't want to be afraid of going to a new place and not meeting people because that is my challenge and if God can make it to where I do go to new places, then I have faith he will take care of me there. I don't want to live in fear of having a good job that pays extremely well. I know the LORD will provide for me but I don't know it well enough to live it. All I want is to live a dynamic life honoring the King and helping others do that exact thing and in a passionate, contagious way. I don't want to be boxed in and if i feel that way at Harding then things must change.

So again, later today I have been thinking about my early motives for Auburn. I thought of how I wanted to do engineering, how Jonathan and I were gonna go together, of the friends I talked to that got me so excited about this place, about simply starting over and getting away to a new place, and of course the gut feeling that I developed about it. We stopped for lunch and I told my Dad about how I had been turning this over in my head all the way down to Abilene and his reaction surprised me. He asked me why I gave up on it earlier. That really got me going about what happened and why I pulled up on pursuing it. When things fells through with Jonathan and engineering, I really backed off. I really just gave up on it. But I look back at all of my reasons and I see that I let some pretty serious ones get away from me. My main desire to go there initially was to start over, to go to this new place that I have heard so much about. This place that would take me away from home and allow me to grow as an individual like never before. Then I visited and found out for myself how amazing it really was. But I let those go. The student center, tradition, town, campus, atmosphere..I let other things beat those down. I prayed earlier about it because I know that I am very lost about it. I prayed for patience, peace and understanding. I feel as if my will to actually do this is twice as much as it was and I cant help but think that God is saying something to me about this. There is nothing I can do physically for a while so I am giving this solely to God. I will simply wait and pray. Also, I know I have to take care of business at school to show my parents that it is worth it to send me, academically speaking, so that if the chance does come then I will be prepared to jump. I also think I can start being more responsible with my money because if this does happen then I will definitely need to do some maturing with my spending, along with me studying. Lastly, I need a plan for my major so that by Christmas when the time comes to seriously evaluate this plan I will have some idea of what will happen if I chose to move. It is going to take some growing up but maybe that is just the plan that God has. Maybe it is his underlying theme of all the madness this plan has in store.

They simply need to hear it.

I was listening to the radio tonight as I drove through the rain to get my sister at work. It was a Christian radio station. I don't normally think like this but tonight when I heard this commercial on the radio I immediately started thinking about what they said and after I put everything together in my mind, I was pissed. The commercial said something to the affect of this man was planning to start a Christian production studio that would like help produce Christian media. I know that sounds fine and dandy but here is the catch...it is going to cost $150 million dollars to do all that he has planned with this studio and production stuff. That didn't make sense to me. I do think that there have been some pretty powerful sources of Christian media and I could name many bands that have impacted me and I would have to say that the NOOMA videos are the best thing out in a while but $150 million!!! I have other examples of this same thing, one from a book by Shane Claiborne. He was interning at Willow Creek in Chicago and they decided to build a massive family life center and it was going to cost a lot of money. He really turned against the church because the fact that they would spend that much money on themselves. His book really got me thinking about how Christ came and lived as a servant.

It just kills me that a group or people can spend that much money on something when there are so many other causes that it could be put to, even right here in America. So many people simply don't know about Christ. It isn't about apathy or disassociation, it is about not knowing and if someone has that kind of money then they have the tools to reach out and send people to the places, be it here or another country, and share the gospel because our world is in need of a savior and I pray that people who feel like that is the best thing to do will have their hearts broken and realize what could be done on a much larger scale with that kind of money. I pray that I stay humble and constantly attempt to reach out to any person that doesn't have Jesus in their life because it is the only way. It is the only way.

Honey-Nut Cheerios and SFGKW Round 2

My mom never buys good cereal. She always buys like Total and crap like that..it sucks. She will mix it up like every 2 years or something so we are on Total right now, although she has made a somewhat progressive move to Honey-Nut Cheerios over the last year or so. Sugar cereal...I'm so spoiled. Anyway, I always eat them because that is the best thing to have for breakfast...its not Total, basically. The crazy thing is that I eat it so much but I never really get tired of it and that blows my mind because if you ate this cereal as long as I have, then you would be tired of it but I'm just not. I tell you this to relay a really strange epiphany that I had, a minor one really but none the less. As I was eating my cereal, I started thinking about all this not getting tired of the cereal business and actually like got spiritual on my cheerios. I thought to myself how I am kinda like a bowl of HNC's and God is the big guy with the spoon. Not saying God is a cannibal but more along the lines of how God doesn't get tired of me. He doesn't get tired of you or anyone else because he is so merciful. He has an incredible patience for us that we really don't and never will be able to understand and for that I am grateful. He shows us so many times how He is gonna stick it out with us not give up, not go buy a new box. Also, the Honey-Nut Cheerios describe humans so much..we aren't anything special but he keeps coming back. I mean, we are no Fruity Pebbles or Cinnamon Toast Crunch but he still takes us in day after day regardless. This was all very strange to me but honestly it was really cool to think about it in that small, goofy way. God has so much patience and mercy for us that we take for granted everyday and I count myself blessed to be able to see that in a bowl of cereal...

This same day, I decided that I was lazy and needed to get back to reading so I chose a book that I have already read but one that I didn't read that closely. It is also a good book to get me back in the joyous spirit because of the humor and the deep thoughts all together. In the first chapter of Searching For God Knows What, Donald Miller talks about the idea of Christianity as being pinned down by certain formulas. He visits this conference and the speaker there tells them that to be successful in writing a good Christian book, it must be structured off and Miller disagrees and I love it. He relates writing this book to how faith really is and he talks about how it shouldnt be do this do that, it is a free flowing relationship, not a set of laws. You have to find God not just obey him because without finding him you miss the beauty of what He is all about. The intro to his first book nails it...he talks about how your faith should be 'blue like jazz'. That is talking about how jazz music is so free and rythmic and good..there is no pattern, it is just the soul speaking put to music and that is just how one's faith should appear...not some strict, uptight do-gooder but a loose, smiling, laughing servant who does things for the glory of God and loves every minute of it. Why? Because the person who does this has truly surpassed a set of rules and stepped into the relationship that makes things click and makes things beautiful.

Act a Fool

I have been reading Acts recently and I have discovered two things:



First, the the believers in the First Century church were amazingly crazy. I say that in the best way possible. These guys were just lunatics for Christ and I get checked everytime I come across an example of this. They openly opposed the "spiritual leaders" of the day to proclaim what they have seen and heard from Jesus. They preached when they have been told not to. They are thrown in jail. They are beaten. They are rejected.



The best part is that



they



dont



care!



There is a verse in Acts after Peter is before the Sanhedrin that just makes me laugh pretty much. It is out of Acts 5:41:

"The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name."

Those guys were just crazy on fire for God and I personally think the first few chapters in Acts are some of the most powerful verses in the entire Bible. It gives us a sincere image of what it takes to truly follow Jesus and I feel that I sometimes feel people like to make light of these verses or just skim over them because, just as I feel now, they really convict you. Jesus called us to something much more than I have been living. Our culture has really digressed from the calling that we have as believers and followers of Jesus Christ.



Second thing is this: Not only were they fearlessly on fire, they were completely selfless. The first church is amazing. It wasnt a place for Sundays and Wednesdays. It was a place where the people gathered everyday and shared everything that they had. It was a completely selfless. I dont see how things ever got done because everyone probably wanted someone else to pick what to do because they were fine with anything. You can just feel the excitement through the first few chapters as the church is developing and increasing. It is almost humorous that such an amazing event is simply in one basic verse. Acts 2:41 is pretty much just like: ..and then three thousand people got baptized that day. What? That is it?? People were just giving up everything to get baptized and join this fellowship of believers that had developed. When the Gentile women were neglected, the apostles were just like well lets fix it so they hire people to take care of them. No big deal...these people arent getting food, so its simple. Just give responsiblilty and it will get taken care of because they care. They dont want people to be neglected.



Read Acts and see the power that the church holds. See what God did and realize what he can do today. I thank God for Acts because it gives me the vision of what it is like to be in that fellowship of believers. It is so much more than just distributing food and hanging out at the temple, it is about the spiritual, physical and emotional care that is thrown around like it is nothingm yet it is greater than anything and that excites me. I get pumped about my God when reading about that first church because they were fearless, something that I truly admire and anyone who seeks a relationship with God should too because it is the ultimate test of faith to stand up for what you believe in without fear...

No Refills Needed

One thing I have learned in my walk with God is that he is faithful. Faithful to deliver and take care of those who love him. He is this power that I can never hope to comprehend and that excites me. I am a problem solver but being humbled by the magnificence of God is truly a powerful experience. There is a line from a song that says "...your fragrance is intoxicating in a secret place". If you cant relate to this line, I pray that you can one day because this line brings me to my knees. I have felt what it is like to be so full of His spirit that I can only smile and laugh and share. But then there is the world.

The world can get to you.

I want to be intoxicated with the fragrance of Christ and his Father. God has given my so much and I want to turn it all over again. It is time that I recommit my life to him.

Passion...it once defined me. I lived with a flare that is my Lord Jesus Christ and I start tonight on a journey to regain that.

I want the dust on my feet again. I want to experience the fullness that he gives.

Colissians 2 is a place that I have found what I am looking for, verses 6-7 and then verse 10:
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness...and in Christ you have been brought fullness."

I have been brought to fullness in Him. Thank God. And I am to overflow with thankfulness.

It has been a long time since I have written but tonight is the night I recommit. I recommit to reading, studying, wrestling...the keys to development. The keys to knowing my maker and understanding what he has in store for me. I know God is faithful and he will deliver me. My redeemer and refuge.

He will always take me back, nothing I do will make him love me any less. I dont have words for one who loves like that. Like I have already said, I thank God that I dont understand him, that I cant comprehend him because if I could, then I doubt I would be sitting here tonight thinking all these things.

He has made me full, no...he has filled me past my limit and I overflow. I have a surplus of love, sacrifice, mercy and grace that I can never understand. I never need a refill, because he has given me more than enough to begin with and he will never let me dry. He will forever restore me and pick me up.

I trust in the Lord that he will carry me and pick me up. My Lord is faithful to me to the point of overflowing. Praise God.