Doctor, doctor

I think I say this a lot, but I really cannot get my thoughts under control. They are all over the place and I would love to be able to write more but is rare that I have time to sit and think. I love just being able to relax and read a book and think on it, but that hasn't been happening much lately. There are a couple things that I have been thinking on.

The Bible was written for people during the first century; an entirely different culture than ours. I think a lot of times we take Bible verses out of context to apply them to our lives. I think that we pick and choose customs and beliefs from the Bible. One such example that doesn't seem to want to leave my mind is the concept of fasting. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert alone with God, while fasting. Now, I am sure a lot of people in America fast but it has always been a foreign thing to me. As I read that, I think more and more about it and what it means to fast. I kind of developed my thoughts on fasting and they are as follows:

1) Fasting is first and foremost an effort to place all focus on God
2) Along with number one, it tests you and challenges you physically
3) Both of those combined, it is about spiritual self-discipline.
4) I think fasting should be a regular occurrence in one's life and should be planned out and followed strictly, again coming back to spiritual self-discipline as well as overcoming the physical.

I have never done it really and I think that a discipline like that can truly help faith grow. I pray that I can have the strength to do it, because hunger is definitely a powerful thing in the physical realm...

Secondly, I tend to agree with most thoughts from the spiritual books that I read but the one I am on now is really getting at me. One thing it talks about is how to reach out to others and evangelize, that you must be able to offend them. Be able to show them that they are in the wrong and God is the only way. They also use the argument that Jesus offended people and last time I checked Jesus offended a group of people for being self-righteous hypocrites. The Pharisees are the only people he offended and with good reason. The two authors of this book talk of offending those without God in their lives. Why does our society associate the word "Christian" with a negative connotation.? Maybe it is because of people who think that is how evangelism is done. I am sorry but I strongly disagree with that method of thought. If Jesus were here today, I believe he would be in the bars with the lost people and he would be lashing out at self-proclaimed "Christians" sitting in church on Sunday.

I strongly feel that those without Christ should be reached with compassion and love and even more: understanding. People without Christ need to be able to sit and talk, and not feel embarrassed about their sin or lack of faith, but simply be able to talk about it to someone who can understand them and love them, not judge or condemn. I hope to one day be able to reach out to those who want God in their lives and maybe even to those who desperately need him.

I guess I can finish this essay with this, it seems right to me:

11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"
12 On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."

Matthew 9:11-13

All my distress is going, going gone...pressing on, pressing on.

For as far back as I can remember, I have heard certain scriptures over and over and over. They are pummeled into my brain because they are key verses that we should always remember. I can agree with that but one thing I have noticed by reading the Bible in length is that I need to take things into consideration in regards to these verses. Do you ever question why that was written and what was the situation the people who received this message were in?

One verse that comes to mind is a simple one: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Now before I continue, I must preface by saying I have been under a lot of stress mainly because of the start of school. It has been an entire week for me to even log into this blog and that is uncommon. So, I say that to let you know how tired and stressed I am these days. Back to my point, that verse has been taught to me ever since I was little and was always used as an analogy in sports (which I hate, not everything in life can be paralleled by sports. I'll save that for another time...). This verse has simply been an encouragement, yet tonight as I was reading through Philippians it hit me with so much more. It is the verses that come before this one. After reading these verses, I gained an entirely new perspective on Phil. 4:13. In the previous verses, Paul says this, starting in the second part of verse 11: "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to have be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Then we come to verse 13, again: "I can go all things through Christ who gives me strength." And one more point to make that really gives this verse its validity, to show that Paul isn't just saying this to say it: He is in prison.

He is speaking from a jail cell, where he has nothing. Alas, he has found contentment how? Because he knows he can do all things through Christ. Honestly, this past week I have felt like jello. Inside and out. I have been beaten physically and in turn, I have been too tired to spend time with God. Yet here is a man who has been literally beaten and thrown in jail and not for the first time, yet he still recognizes God. And all this has happened because of God. And does he back down and subdue his teachings and writings? NO! He has found hope in God. He is positive that God will deliver him.

One thing that I struggle with is fully depending on God. Paul, here in prison, amazes me. He has been doing the will of this God, yet in turn he is punished. He endures suffering for the one who has allowed him to be beaten. But Paul was always so joyful. He had risen completely above things of this world and had found this serenity in God. If only I could develop a faith to where I am numb to the world. So many instances in the text where Paul simply shrugs off the bad things of the world that happen to him. He knows that they are not of God. God allows them to happen, but in no way are they of God and because of this he has no worry. The things of God are good and it is on these things that he dwells, completely. Staying in Philippians, going to chapter 3, verse 8: "What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ..." Wow. Paul is so in tune with that is that Christ came to show us. Things of this world, bad and good DO NOT MATTER. They can be beneficial, but they themselves are of no value to us. Paul tries to tell us this, yet sometimes we fail to realize the place or position he speaks from. He is basically living a life of ridicule and persecution, yet remains strong in his faith. I have a test in a few days and I simply buckle... I truly thank God for Paul, who has emerged as my favorite figure in the Bible, apart from Christ himself. The way God uses him to speak to these people of these cities...how amazing to have someone ministering to you like that. I guess I am just caught up in this book, but the fact that Paul was in prison and the way that he writes simply brings me to me knees. How can I have that faith? What steps can I take to want to live that life of worship to Him? It's simple, really. Press on. Press on toward the goal by way of faith in Christ.

I guess it would be fitting to close with more of Paul's words in Philippians, from chapter 3, verse 12: "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

Stirred, not shaken

A friend of mine recently told me that she thought that God "constantly stirs my heart" and that really meant a lot to me. But when I got that message, I began to wonder what that really meant. What occurs in me when God "stirs my heart". For some reason, I thought of the pool of Bethesda from the time of Jesus. The story where Jesus heals the paralytic by the pool. Back to my thinking though, I thought on what the pool was and the idea of its healing powers that it was thought to have had. It was said that God stirred the pool and the first to get in the pool as it was stirred, would receive healing. That's it... I think that for God to stir my heart is to bring healing on my soul. And yes, when I think about it, that is what he does. He gives me a peace of mind and heart that relaxes me. He takes me away from the troubles of my world and draws me into him. God is so awesome in that he can simply let me draw my mind away from what is not of him and let me focus on him. I wish that I could always be in this state, but for me it takes time to really open up to God and allow him to do that. I worry, as I started back to school today, that I will be able to find time in this hectic last year of high school that God will not only speak to me and give me peace, but that he will use me. He will use me as a tool to show others the way God can stir the heart and give you peace.

One thing about this peace that is amazing to me is the amount of joy that comes with it. It is almost paradoxical to say that I am at peace yet am bursting with joy, but that is exactly what I feel. I pray that I can continue to be in this state, a state of oneness with God and that I allow him to speak to me this year and give me vision into what he wants out of me.

God is awesome. Hopefully, I can know this every second of my life. I tend to forget, but how? He gave so much for us and I pray that as I continue to mature in my relationship with him, I will find out what it is that he wants of me.

PS - I am getting better in regards to my writing/typing skills, cause spell check says I had no errors. :-)

Turning it over...In my stomach and my life.

What is that holds us back from accepting God in our lives? For so many years, I straddled the fence on my spirituality. I went to church but I never really felt God in my life. I knew the stories and facts, I went on Sundays, I went on Wednesdays. Shoot, I even had chapel and a Bible class every day at school. But something wasn't clicking. I was missing something. Or was I? I wasn't missing anything..I had it all along, it was just a matter of me finding it. What I am talking about is my choice to humble myself before God and to realize, "I can't do it alone. I need someone in my life to keep my going." In essence, my choice to give up. And it took my so long to realize that I simply must give it all to God. Such a simple concept but I couldn't seem to wrap my head around it. Or rather wrap my heart around it.

We hold back from this because it is a matter of vulnerability. Now, I feel strongly the the ability to make yourself vulnerable before God and before others is the absolute key to growing in relationships. But so many times in life, a person achieves this state and is turned away. To have been rejected after opening your heart to someone is a crushing blow to a persons mind, heart, and so on. It demoralizes them to the point of fear of relationships altogether. Why then do we shy away from one with God? Do we think that he too will reject us?

I was at Six Flags this past weekend and after I rode a certain ride, I kind of thought on how it applied to my life. The ride was simple. It took you straight up at a really slow speed, held you at the top for a few seconds, then randomly dropped you into a free-fall to about 20 feet above the ground where you slowed. Paralleling these thoughts, the ride to the top is like my life. It is going along pretty easy, no big scares or surprises. But then I come to a moment of uncertainty. I am sitting at the top of a huge tower and I am horrified (And I love roller coasters with a passion, but this anxiety was overwhelming). In the same way, in my life I have decision to make at this point. I fear giving it to God, because what if I am not good enough, what if he doesn't understand me? I sit here with so much emotion going through me and that is when God taps my heart and it pours open. Secrets, hopes, lies, truths, friends, enemies, hate, love. He takes it all away from me. That's when I let go. My anxiety stays at the top of that tower, and it stays there in my life too. I drop from the top of that ride with so much fear in what I know will happen, but no idea how awesome it will be. In the same light, I give it all to God thinking it will help me but when I do, the ride is a rush. More than I could even imagine. A rush of adrenaline that is God's love. It controls me and I can't help but scream and smile. When I get off, I hold onto that feeling. It isn't just a high, not just a rush, but a challenge. God says to me, "This is what life with me is like." I don't feel like this was just a quick jolt, it isn't just a spark...Its a raging fire. It consumes me and I burn long after the initial light. I take it with me and love it. I want to live for that rush. What an awesome high to live on...The pure adrenaline of Christ in my life.

These words are not enough

This will be short because it is early and I just felt like writing some thoughts...

How awesome is God? I have to say that lately I have been so wrapped up in the mere thought of Him. I have this excitement that I can't hardly explain. He is all I want, all I need. It is truly God's joy inside of me and hopefully working through me. I spent time with some close friends this past weekend and we stayed up pretty late talking about our views on God and about our own relationships with him and with others through Him. That is what God wants from us. He puts others in our lives to keep us going, to bring joy in our lives and uplift us. We have been given so much and I can't help but ask why would I not want to live a life in return to my God? I feel that I grow everyday and that I truly search the Bible for the vision that God has for me. He has plans for all of us, cliche I know, but it is so true. In the past couple of weeks, I feel him growing in me and its something that I don't want to stop. I feel blessed and loved by God. He opens my eyes in the situations where I am lost and simply says, "Why worry? You have me and, you know, that is all you need. I will be here for you and no matter what else happens, that will be enough if you allow me to live in you." It has kind of been a small reformation in my heart this summer, but now I return to school. A good place, but what of its love for God? He has opened a massive door of opportunity for me to simply love others and show them that God is good. He is amazing. He is all that I need.

He is calling me on the adventure that I wrote about a few weeks back. It is a call to live for him. It's so simple, yet so complex. All he wants from me is for me to love. To love others, to love him. But he gives us something that without we would be lost. He gives us hope, hope in his son that we may live a life for him on this earth. I feel that he has put a challenge in front of me. He is telling me to reach out to those in need of him, but the beauty of doing this is that I will grow and find myself while fellowshipping with others. God has made this life a beautiful thing that we can find friendship and love to rejoice in him. The coolest thing of all this is not that I chose him. It isn't that I have found God and liked what he had to offer. The greatest thing of all this is that he FIRST loved me. He chose me, in all my imperfections...He still chose me, he still loved me. Thank God for his glory and may we all remember him every second of our life and rejoice in the future I may have with you, even if I do not know you, because Christ died for me and you so that we may one day join him with his Dad up in heaven and forever live in joy, peace and love. But as it is said: the greatest of these is love. Love. He allows us to love and forever live in it with him.

What Tyler did

A friend of mine once told me a story about a bully back in his home town. One of the most disturbing stories I have ever heard. My friend, let's call him Pete, had a dog. This bully, whom we will call Tyler, for some reason didnt like Pete or his dog. Now, Pete loved his dog and Tyler knew this. So one day, Tyler went to Pete's house and took Pete's dog and tied him to the back of his truck. The dog barking and whimpering as Pete ran out of his house to see the truck take off down the road...

From John 19: 1Then Pilate took Jesus and had him flogged. 2The soldiers twisted together a crown of thorns and put it on his head. They clothed him in a purple robe 3 and went up to him again and again, saying, "Hail, king of the Jews!" And they struck him in the face. So the soldiers took charge of Jesus. 17Carrying his own cross, he went out to the place of the Skull (which in Aramaic is called Golgotha). 18Here they crucified him, and with him two others—one on each side and Jesus in the middle.

Now my first story was not true in any aspect. But which one wrenched your heart more? I will be honest, when I heard the two back-to-back..the first one cut to me deeper. Now maybe not for all of you, but if it did...why are we like this? How is it that a story of a dog can break our hearts more then the very words of our Savior being killed for doing absolutely nothing? Why is my heart calloused to the story of Jesus? We have heard it over and over. Why then does it lack its value. Why does my heart not pound through my chest when I read these words? Many times when I watch the news and see that someone has died, I simply feel for the family and move on. But, this past February when a close friend of mine died, I didn't even understand what was going on. I was so out of it and emotional, that I couldn't control my own mind, body, or heart. What is the difference? I had a much much closer relationship with the latter than the person on the news. The loss of my friend was a much bigger hole in my heart.

And so here I sit. I long to feel the hurt of his death. I long to have the relationship with Jesus that when I read his story, I am overcome by the emotion inside that I feel for God's son. I want my heart to be broken so that he can fill it with his love and passion and emotion. But how? I feel I grow closer to God everyday of my life now. I take the steps that build relationship. One thing that really hit me in regards to Jesus was the movie "The Passion of the Christ". If you have seen it, then you understand the emotion in that movie. It completely cuts through your heart to see in such detail the pain that Jesus went through for me, for you. What a shame that we take that for granted. The greatest act of love ever shown for every man and woman and child...yet we take it for granted. I guess I just have been thinking about being geniuine lately. I long to feel a genuine desire to know God. I feel bad because these thoughts werent really organized and worse than usual but I felt like writing tonight. Not very good to write when I am in this state and I reconsidered putting it up. I am sure I will take it off soon...but for now, here it is.