Breathe Deep

I figured out tonight why I always stay up late, I think. It's simple, but somewhat abstract: it seems that when I am up late and everyone is asleep, everything else in my world goes to sleep. I deal with issues everyday yet around 10:30 every night I am relaxed. I am not sure why but I guess I my own mind psyches itself out to just hide away all the stress and pain.

The past couple days have been bad for me. Getting off track with God and I hate it, because it affects me. I feel like a rubberband sometimes. I can get on these highs where I am so close to God (stretched) yet eventually I am always hit by reality (snapping back). No matter how much I stretch, ultimately I am gonna snap back and I hate that. I shouldn't be like that, a relationship with God should be like, I don't know, something constant. I deal with things that work as that retracting of the rubberband and it really gets me down, depressing almost. I feel so exhausted, mentally usually. I don't know how I am writing tonight because I am worn out.

Maybe my lack of focus comes from not so much a lack of focus, but a misplaced focus. I dwell too much on the worldly and start to have a negative outlook when I should be set on the things of the spiritual realm which really matter and really keep me uplifted. I just finished a book and in one of the chapters its discussed how today's generation is having little connection with God inside the walls of the church, but instead are being affected by more moving experiences such as an indepth talk with a friend, or an experience in nature, or a weekend retreat, or a moving time of worship and I felt that I really related to that. I long for this extreme connection with God and mundane, surface level things...well, I don't even feel a connection there. I want this moving experience because that is how I think God works. I long for that core group that I can talk with on a regular basis. A place where God is present and visible by the events that happen in that time. A breathtaking encounter that God is in every breath of the moment.

I think of the Exodus, when the Israelites get to the Red Sea. I can't even imagine that event, probably the most amazing thing to ever happen in the history of the world, in my opinion. Also, Elijah on Mt. Carmel and God sending this engulfing fire to completely consume the altar and all the water on it. Just some that come to mind, instances all throughout the Old Testament of the power of God and how he uses it. The OT bores me a lot but there are so many stories that simply make me sit there, and to really think on them with my simple mind is awesome. It's what I love about God. I am not supposed to understand him or, recently in my life, his ways. He has this plan that, in this world, I am not supposed to be able to fully understand.

Another thought, God is always there. I said earlier that I don't feel connected to God sometimes, but that doesn't mean that He isn't there. He is constantly moving people's lives and working in subtle ways that ultimately will change others lives. He never leaves us and is constantly working. It is selfish of me to not appreciate that when I am merely in a bad mood and have this crazy idea that God isn't there.

I am getting tired and need to sleep. In closing and off topic, I ask whoever may read this to humbly pray constantly. Simply pray to God to form relationship and gain understanding. Not that we get what we want, but that we may benefit and further the plans that God has. That is something I struggle with and it helps me to put that down.