Turning it over...In my stomach and my life.

What is that holds us back from accepting God in our lives? For so many years, I straddled the fence on my spirituality. I went to church but I never really felt God in my life. I knew the stories and facts, I went on Sundays, I went on Wednesdays. Shoot, I even had chapel and a Bible class every day at school. But something wasn't clicking. I was missing something. Or was I? I wasn't missing anything..I had it all along, it was just a matter of me finding it. What I am talking about is my choice to humble myself before God and to realize, "I can't do it alone. I need someone in my life to keep my going." In essence, my choice to give up. And it took my so long to realize that I simply must give it all to God. Such a simple concept but I couldn't seem to wrap my head around it. Or rather wrap my heart around it.

We hold back from this because it is a matter of vulnerability. Now, I feel strongly the the ability to make yourself vulnerable before God and before others is the absolute key to growing in relationships. But so many times in life, a person achieves this state and is turned away. To have been rejected after opening your heart to someone is a crushing blow to a persons mind, heart, and so on. It demoralizes them to the point of fear of relationships altogether. Why then do we shy away from one with God? Do we think that he too will reject us?

I was at Six Flags this past weekend and after I rode a certain ride, I kind of thought on how it applied to my life. The ride was simple. It took you straight up at a really slow speed, held you at the top for a few seconds, then randomly dropped you into a free-fall to about 20 feet above the ground where you slowed. Paralleling these thoughts, the ride to the top is like my life. It is going along pretty easy, no big scares or surprises. But then I come to a moment of uncertainty. I am sitting at the top of a huge tower and I am horrified (And I love roller coasters with a passion, but this anxiety was overwhelming). In the same way, in my life I have decision to make at this point. I fear giving it to God, because what if I am not good enough, what if he doesn't understand me? I sit here with so much emotion going through me and that is when God taps my heart and it pours open. Secrets, hopes, lies, truths, friends, enemies, hate, love. He takes it all away from me. That's when I let go. My anxiety stays at the top of that tower, and it stays there in my life too. I drop from the top of that ride with so much fear in what I know will happen, but no idea how awesome it will be. In the same light, I give it all to God thinking it will help me but when I do, the ride is a rush. More than I could even imagine. A rush of adrenaline that is God's love. It controls me and I can't help but scream and smile. When I get off, I hold onto that feeling. It isn't just a high, not just a rush, but a challenge. God says to me, "This is what life with me is like." I don't feel like this was just a quick jolt, it isn't just a spark...Its a raging fire. It consumes me and I burn long after the initial light. I take it with me and love it. I want to live for that rush. What an awesome high to live on...The pure adrenaline of Christ in my life.